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Song Parodies -> "H - M - D'Oh!"

Original Song Title:

"Be Our Guest!"

Original Performer:

Beauty and the Beast - Disney

Parody Song Title:

"H - M - D'Oh!"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

Ever wonder what managed health care's like for the Simpson's? ... Turns out Springfield's pretty much like everywhere else... YouTube instrumental version here.
Dearest subscriber 568-A-JRK--0FF— It is with the deepest ennui and flattest affect that we incuriously welcome your managed carcas. And now, we invite you to wait… wait… cough up several co-pays… then wait… as Springfield's Wellness n' Ancillary Nuclear Storage Facility apathetically prepares – your admission!

H – M – O!
[Dr. Julius Hibbart]
Hell, that ‘H’ is just for show!
And I'll, yes—under duress—confess
Our ‘M’ is also faux!
When you come here all sick
We’d prefer you ‘check out’ quick
[Mr. Burns]
Linger-on—our profits suck it
[Nurse Krusty]
Be a pal and—kick the bucket!

[Mr. Burns]
Our ‘health’ plans—games of chance
Rigged to harvest cash from pants!
Though we love your ‘quid’ we’re stingy with ‘pro quo’
[Nurse Krusty]
Bring on your hemophilia
I’ll stiletto ‘heel’ ya’
Hey Van Gogh!
‘Ear you go…

If I'm ill, indisposed,
Ruptured spleen’d or broken nosed?
[Sideshow Bob]
Or my 4-plus hour stiffie’s smelling iffy—?
[ Nurse Krusty ]
Guys, you’re hosed!
Massive stroke, turning blue?
[ Krusty ]
Here’s a Band-Aid—scram, adieu!
[Sideshow Bob]
Quell my outrage!
Quit complaining?
[Mr. Burns]
My accountants *know* you’re feigning!

“We’ll deny - care you want”
[Mr. Burns]
Read your contract’s 3 point font
‘Cause ‘OurAss®’ is all that’s covered don’cha know?
Enjoy ze Mu-zak tracks—
While we de-booze our quacks
Are HMO’s - Satan’s grail?
[Mr. Burns]
Ask our spokesman - Christian Bale!
[Dr. Hibbart]
Down I go?

[Dr. Hibbart spoken: Now, take in a slow, deep breath…]
[Homer, sung]
What's that sweet aroma?
[Dr. Hibbart]
Most our staff have “Phelp’s Glaucoma”
See our clerks brush-up on ‘jerk’ in mute tableaus
Ah, those good old days of fee-for-service...
Suddenly they’re ‘Doc n’ Pony’ shows!
Hours we keep you waiting—
Thins the herds—
it’s Tesh-ly grating!]
[Mr. Burns]
Yet these tactics buy my jets and haute chateaus
Denials are the life-blood of my system!
Reining and constraining—
And we call it “Health McBlaine'ing”!

I limped in – broken toe...
You'll depart – a kidney low!
Don’t be pissed—it’s on Craig’s List
So you can buy it back, you know!
ADD? Broken legs?
Say hello to Doctah Dregs!
M.D.-J.D.’s manning gurneys—
We're our own defense attorneys!

[Drs. Hibbart & Dregs]
Like Doc Phil - and Kildare
We’ve degrees in ‘savoir-faire’
Charming bullies pulling woolies o’er your eyes!
Barrack can’t save you, Mitch—
[Mr. Burns]
The FDA’s my bitch!
It’s no surprise
On my case
For spreading LIES!

HMO - plastics, Whoa!
Butt, where else you gonna go?
You’d trust Bed, Bath and Behind™ ,
Or Circus Titty’s ‘Dome Depot™’?
[Dr. Hibbart]
We’ll re-‘vamp’ - your bust’s ramps
[Dr. Dregs]
With our peanut-paste implants!
Flying cheap Dow™ ‘Nutty Jugs’ in—
Oops! Yours landed in Jen Hudson!

B i g – t i m e – c r o o k s!
M e d i - M o b!
[Sideshow Bob]
Bada bing’ing ‘Doogie Schwabs’!
And I've just retained the perfect C.E.O.!
So doff your minion’s hat off
To Chief… Bernie Madoff!




[ All ]
IT’S... H – M – DOUGH!!!

(Krusty, spoken: Don’t worry, you’ll only feel a little prick…)
(Homer: ..Ooo!)


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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 11

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   11

User Comments

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AFW - February 19, 2009 - Report this comment
You've written a Hollywood Scream play, here
Arwen - February 19, 2009 - Report this comment
As huge fan of both the Simpsons and of fabulous parodies, there was no way I wasn't going to love this, TJC! All of the names in the middles threw me off a little bit...but it was SO worth it to imagine each character singing their assigned lines. Great fun!!
TJC - February 19, 2009 - Report this comment
Thanks guys! And Arwen, I realized the [insert character name]'s well and truly messed with the flow, but, like Homer, couldn't imagine my way around it!
Tommy Turtle - February 19, 2009 - Report this comment
Not a Simpson's fan, so surely missed half the refs, but still way TMGLTM: quid pro quo, stilleto heel ya, the kidney on CL, and "Bed, Bath and Behind™ ,Or Circus Ti*ty’s ‘Dome Depot™’" was a RFL... DK who Jen Hudson is, but "landed in Hudson" was a wonderful connection to a recent event. "Barrack can’t save you, Mitch—The FDA’s my b****!" Brilliant, and I won't tell the Prez ya misspelled his name :-)

555+++, and where TF are all the votes and comments on this doctorpiece (that's higher than a masterpiece)?
John Jenkins - February 19, 2009 - Report this comment
I don't watch the Simpsons, but this is an outstanding parody. Definitely TMGLTM and TT listed most of my faves anyway, but the "hat-off/Madoff" couplet also stood out for me.
alvin - February 19, 2009 - Report this comment
wow...great job....more than a song parody...its a short syory
Gari J - February 20, 2009 - Report this comment
Excellent parody well written pace is perfect, This should be submitted to the simpsons producers i'd love to hear the characters belt thisnumber out 555
Stuart McArthur - February 20, 2009 - Report this comment
TJC taking on Be Our Guest to a Simpsons theme - anticipation from new submissions level doesn't get much better - dazzling work here TJC - are you going for The Big 7 by any chance? - hope so - 555 - loved the finale
Claude Prez - February 20, 2009 - Report this comment
Yeah, this is awesome
Dee Range - February 20, 2009 - Report this comment
Nothing short of a brilliant masterpiece. Every writer on this site would love to have written it.
Phil Alexander - February 20, 2009 - Report this comment
Marvellous.. I'm a sucker for "Be Our Guest" parodies, and this is absolutely first class. Send it off to Matt Groenig - see if you can get it used. Now, *that* would be brilliant :-D
Mark Scotti - February 20, 2009 - Report this comment
An epic masterpiece!!!!
TJC - February 20, 2009 - Report this comment
Thanks so much all!

Tommy: Thou art truly kind, sir... but thou knowest, Homer-opathic medical humor almost writes itself! And, thanks for such a pro-max NFL-style highlight reel!

John J: Thanks! A bit of a reach but it was either 'hat off' or 'Mad Hoff', either sufficiently Simpsonesque, eh?

Alvin: Appreciate it! This OS doth runneth on... and on...

Gari J: Thanks... wouldn't that be a treat?!

Stuart: Awwww! Gracias! And if by 'Big Seven' you're referring to Chancroid balanitis, HPV, Gonorrhea, Sarcoptes scabiei, Chlamydiae, Herpes and Syphilis..., well, been there--done that!

Claude: Thanks... (BTW, I love your stuff!)

Dee: Yer generous of spirit but way too kind, sir... in fact 'they' might be better served ogling your ever excellent and expanding oeuvre!

Phil: Thanks guy... I was heavily influenced by your 'up-tempo' take on this classic OS--"I'm Erect!" Now there's a 'master'piece'... on *so* many levels!

Mark: Appreciate it... I've just started looking at your emerging slant on things... great stuff!

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