Hey there Ossifer
I think you should know
That I am not as think as you drunk I am

Did you just seriously
Pawn out my engagement ring
Shit, I don't think I'm singing the right lyrics!
Yes, I speak eloquently
When I'm acting soberly
Did you just say my B.A.C. was one-fifty?

I can tell that the cuffs that you clipped 'round my wrists
Were made from nickel 'cause my hands are five times their size... now.
And when you shoved me headfirst
Into your precious cruiser, I think
I felt my head, felt my head splitting wide open

'Cause it hurts
Like a mofo
And Excedrin isn't helping it
It's not fair
To arrest me
'Cause I cannot afford an attorney
You, you, you oughta know!

I drove very well
Just hit a tree
And maybe a sweet opossum family

The only thing I might have
Possibly done wrong was
Drive twenty-five miles over the speed limit
I recall your request for
My license and registration
And I gave you a Playboy subscription

I can tell that the cuffs that you clipped 'round my wrists
Were made from nickel 'cause my hands are five times their size... now.
And when you shoved me headfirst
Into your precious cruiser, I think
I felt my head, felt my head splitting wide open

'Cause it hurts
Like a mofo
And Excedrin isn't helping it
It's not fair
To arrest me
'Cause I cannot afford an attorney
You, you, you oughta know!

Ugh... (repeat)

'Cause the bitch that you threw in the cell that was me
And I befriended the toilet in the midst of my threatening cellmate
Who then proceeded to threaten me
With contraband that she hid in her suit,
Deep in her suit

My head hurts
Like a mofo
And Excedrin costs an arm and a leg
It's not fair
To arrest me
'Cause I can't afford a good attorney
You, you, you oughta know

That my head's
Pounding like mad
And I didn't hear half of what you said
Something 'bout
Keeping silent
'Cause what I say will be used against me
You, you, you oughta know.