I stick my right arm out
And tuck my left leg in,
There's a danger of cursin' and scraping of all my skin
There are times with my wife
When I say "never again!"
Try to live through the PAIN

Then my left arm slips
And I hit the floor,
Yeah we thought we'd make love at the seaside, upon the shore
(ah-hah)
Now I'm cold, wet and tired
And here we both lie
So frustrated that I - could CRYYYYY

It's abrasive!
With a tear in my eye, I can hardly tell left from right - ah!
Oh-oh, it's abrasive!
When that moment arrives, I dunno if I'll be alright,
Yeah, it's abraaaasive,
And I'm swearin' at Claire for my desperate parts tonight.

A trip down the aisle, a perm and a vacation -
A fortune spent to buy her diamond rings,
Long's the journey, hot the destination -
All was goin' so well, till we got down to "things" .... Yeah!

I took her to a ball,
I took her for a walk,
Took her smoochin' and kissin'
And ALL that lovers' talk.... oh yeah!
Swept her off o' her feet
Now I'm burnin' alive
It scratches and stings... like kniiiiiives

Ow! It's abrasive!
With a tear in my eye, the Family Tree's alight
Ooh-oh it's abrasive!
When the mornin' arrives, I dunno if I'll be alright,
Yeah, it's abraaaasiiiive!
And I'm sayin' a prayer for my desperate parts tonight...

Desperate parts! Desperate parts!
Ee-oo-ah-oo-ee-ee-oo-eh!
Oh! Whoa, no! Whoa no, wah-dah-dow, wah-dah-dah-dah-dowwww!

Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, oh-ohh!


(There follows an heart-rending series of baleful moans and incomprehensible cries of anguish that wail on long into the night - upsetting locals, other honeymooners and stray cats alike - before trailing off into whimpers of childlike self-pity.)

"So, from all of us here at amiright, remember:
That night - no end of trouble - it could be you!
Good night!"

(Da da da-da da, da da-da.....)