[Instumental intro]

Down in the library.
In Classic Fiction.
A scriptwriter from ITV.
This is a project.
A screen adaptation
Of something by Austen or Charlotte Bronte.

And I wonder if we are ever gonna see
Something made that was written this century?

[Chorus]
We don't need more costume drama!
With Helena Bonham-Carter!
All we want is what's beyond the Classic tome.

Looking for something
That we can rely on
To not have a Heathcliffe or Mr D'arcy
Oooh... But they've run out of Austens
So you can be sure that
The next one will be Wilde or Thomas Hardy.

Oh why can't the folk at the BBC
Produce some stuff by guys like Mike Ripley?

[Chorus]
Don't want a dashing, pouting hero!
You can keep that Gwyneth Paltrow!
All we want is what's beyond the Classic tome.

Can't they make something more hard-edged?
'Cause this junk surely ain't!
It just makes us Brits look so twee.
And makes the Yanks think we're quaint!

I've had it all up to here!!!

(Instrumental break)

[Chorus]
We don't need 'Great Expectations'!
Or other Dickens adaptations.
All we want is what's beyond the Classic tome.

All the children say...

[Chorus sung by kids]
We don't need more costume drama!
No Emma Thompson or Ken Branagh!
All we want is what's beyond the Classic tome.

[Chorus]

We don't need more costume drama!
We Brits must try much harder!
To produce something note from a Classic tome.

(Instrumental to fade)