If you see a tiny ad flashin' on your webpage that says
"If you're sick go see Doc Quack"
Doc Quack, yeah-eah-ee-yeah
My offices are just o-off the highwa-ay
May look like a dump, that's okay
Lit'rally a du-ump, come on, sta-ay
A qualified surgeon who's havin' a sale (do-on't run awa-ay)
On nose-jobs, so come down to see Doc Quack (you-ou'll be oka-ay)
You don't want a nose job? Oh well, what a pity (ho-ope, anywa-ay)
I'm pretty good, that's what the voices tell me

I'm Doc Quack, come down to my clinic where
Weird lumps I will seve-e-e-er
I'm not cra-azy-y (I'm Doc Quack, tru-ust me)
Doc Quack, I'm not a hack
Doc Quack, germs I will whack
Doc Quack, limbs I might hack (well, maybe, if they look whack)
Doc Quack, I'm cheap as crap (so crazy, my fees don't stack)

You say "Ew! Are those your tools?
Not clean, goodbye you o-o-old quack"
Wait, don't be alarmed, I was gonna get them cleaned
I just finished my lunch and cutlery I la-a-a-ack
So, what do you need, the-en?
Beer gut to slice awa-a-ay?
Somethin' to quash that cou-ough?
Or a surprise today?

I'm Doc Quack, book a meeting if you dare
Anaesthetic? Neve-e-e-er
I'm not la-azy-y (just mad, maybe)
Doc Qua-a-ack, cheap medic man
Doc Qua-a-ack, no healthcare plan

Curin' and a-healin', that's what I love doin'
Although trial-and-error is involved rather often
I earned my degree
I'm just forgetful, see?
Have to work with me, now let's get to doctorin'
Cured now? No? Cured now? No? Cured now? No? Cured now?
Your nose isn't workin', let's try this stack of pills, trust me
Wait a few minutes, can you smell me now?
No? Well, that's annoyin', how about this new pill, trust me
Swear I'm not a quack, I'm all smart and crap

Welp, that didn't work, mark that down as a fail
That's not the end of this tale
Cause we can still try invasive surgery
But first, there's the bill matter, so pay me

I'm Doc Quack, I can fix up that growth there
Born like that? No matte-e-e-er
Fix that ea-easy-y (just like that, ea-easy)
Doc Quack, can't say no, man
Doc Quack, I can fix that
Doc Quack, slice in a snap (you're bleeding, better stop that, yeuch)
Doc Quack, don't run, stop that (stop, buddy, don't be a twat)

Wait, wait, wait, you can't go, buddy
I was only gettin' started
Stop, stop, stop, please don't go, buddy
I must fix you
Please, please, please, you can't leave, buddy
Totally a well-trained doctor
No, no, no, please don't leave, buddy
I can heal you
Stay, stay, stay for a while, buddy (I'll make your parts larger)
Can't, can't, can't just run out, buddy
No, no (stay right here, buddy)
Please, please (you can't go)
Stop, stop (I'll cure you, buddy)
Wait, wait
Please stop
The truth, busted

Doc Quack is a real quack
Doc Quack will pay you back (fair, buddy, all your cash back, yeah)
Doc Quack's brother ain't crap (truth, buddy, he knows his craft)
No more from Doc Quack (no more dirty trickin', here's my bro's location)
I'm a real hack