“HALITOSIS” By Jon Goldney 1/1/2011

(Sung to the tune of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”)

I really don’t know what to do:
I don’t suppose I ever knew –
I’ve just received my doctor’s diagnosis.
He stated this: “The issue is –
I’m not sure how to tell you this –
The problem is that you have Halitosis.”

Halitosis, Halitosis, Halitosis, Halitosis

I wondered why you wouldn’t stay,
That day you tried to run away –
You asked me if I suffered from necrosis.
I only tried to stroke your hair
And kiss your lips as you lay there,
But you inhaled and breathed in Halitosis

I guess the penny should have dropped:
Each time I spoke, your eyeballs popped –
My breath was bad but, hey, I didn’t notice.
Remember when we said our vows?
I knocked you down: you didn’t rouse –
I swept you off your feet with Halitosis

Halitosis, Halitosis, Halitosis, Halitosis

There was a time you tried to tell
Your sisters of your private hell –
I bet they weren’t surprised: they both have noses.
One night I tried to cuddle you:
You said, you caught a whiff o’ poo –
I wish it was, instead of Halitosis

Halitosis, Halitosis, Halitosis, Halitosis

Maybe there’s a God above
Who could have shown you how to love
A decent man whose breath was so atrocious.
I’m sure you offered every prayer
To exorcise my evil air
And purge me of unholy Halitosis

Halitosis, Halitosis, Halitosis, Halitosis

You said that when we lay in bed
And I respired – you wished me dead:
It’s hard to hold one’s breath when one reposes.
And when I snored, I do recall,
It peeled the paint right off the wall –
I wish I’d known that it was Halitosis

Halitosis, Halitosis, Halitosis, Halitosis

I tried my best but not enough:
You must have found it bloody tough –
But none of us can claim to smell of roses.
And even though my breath may pong,
I’m not afraid to sing this song
With nothing on my tongue but Halitosis

Halitosis, Halitosis, Halitosis, Halitosis… Halitosis etc.