Stalagmite
Grows on the floor o' the cave
Now it's not a stalac-a-tite
On the ground it's more safe
Stands upright
Hangin' above it don't crave
Maybe so scaredy of heights
Must not be so very brave

Guess it don't like,
Hangin' upsidaisily
Or else it's too lazy
They're really sedent'ry
It's some life
And isn't it some artistry
That a gypsum drippy mess
Has such a nicey frame

Gotta snatch calcium
No, no, carbonate it right away
In dark caves it is hid
Forms unique shape like a knob
(Drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip)

Stalagmite
Growin' like a leafless palm tree
Got to have a stalac-a-tite
Keepin' it company
There's no light
So it got no worries you know
Else it might give it a fright
There starin' at bat guano

Ain't just a mound
Ain't no icicle
Made from drips freely
Nature so refined
You wanna visit Carlsbad?
Pay for tourin' in the underworld
Don't need no light or need no food
Listen to that:

Calcium drippin'
Calcium drippin'
Calcium drippin'
Calcium drippin'
Don't be disapprovin'
mmmmm-damp
It's misunderstood
(Wow! Pointy pyramid!)
Stretch it up and reach for the top
(drip drip drip drip drip drip drip drip)
(cone, cone, cone, cone)

Stalagmite
Grows on the floor 'o the cave
Well it's kinda squatty, not lithe
Could use some Jenny Craig
Stalagmite
Popularity is less free
Counterpart stalac-a-tite
'Cus it's more acrobaty
Grabs limelight
Both in the cave we can see
Those poor stalag-a-mites
Are just as neccess'ry

Stalagmite
Stalagmite
Quite phallic-y!