I want a rude pug
One that won't learn a trick --
One that's surly and smokes cigars,
And makes me feel like a dick!


I want a rude pug
One that don't do what's said --
One that won't listen when I cry,
"You hump my thigh, you're dead!"


One that'll make me nervous
Wondering what he'll do --
One that makes me feel like it's me who's the one who
Must go outside to poo


I want a rude pug
One whose breath smells --
One that don't floss too much,
And barks at doorbells!


I want a rude pug
One that won't shut its yap --
One that won't let me sleep at night,
One that won't go outdoors to crap!


One that'll make me nervous
Wondering what he'll do --
One that makes me feel like it's me who's the one who
Must live on dry dog food

"LIVE ON DRY DOG FOOD, HUMAN!"


( --- instrumental with various snorting and barking noises --- )


I want a rude pug
One that grunts like a hog --
One that won't let me own a cat,
One that bones every neighbor's dog!


I want a rude pug
One that is proud --
One that won't wear a choke-chain lease,
And in my face barks loud!


One that'll make me nervous
Wondering what he'll do --
One that makes me feel like it's me who's the one who
Must go outside to poo