Vision's getting blurry, All my muscles ache
Getting older really bites... It's baloney
Once looked good in underwear
Now I'm wrinkled everywhere
Yell at children and I'll glare while picking fights
So far from spry... my skin's all dry... more pills I'll bu-u-uy... I'm still alive

I see you brought some gifts out, Another fleece sweater's found
Guess I shouldn't throw a fit but it's too tight
Angry cause it's my birthday
And gained another year in age
My hairdo is balding with a... bunch of grey
I'm damn near blind... my bones all grind... crap I can't fi-i-ind... I lost my mind

Also deafened it seems
I hardly hear my Matlock on TV
My wife's obsessed with frills and lace
And my couch is plastic encased

I'm not dressin' in jeans
Pulled those pants that are pleat to my teats
When I'm driving... My voice turned gruff
Yelling at those speedy punks

I know that there's hair in my ears and my face has a constant sneer
You think that it's a day to cheer...What? Are you high?!

Need a new liver and a spleen, Munchin' prunes and cottage cheese
I walk so slow at a sloth's speed and... it's a blight
Such a slow stride... soundin' so snide... cane's by my si-i-ide... It sucks outright

This party really is the pits... because all my pals are in the casket
Chompin' with false teeth this cake is... no delight

Hair's got a bunch of grey, Think I need a new toupee
Had a crush on that Fay Wray she... was my type
Steaks I can't bite... just drink soup brine... Replace my spi-i-ine... Slow when I drive

"Back in my prime... once spent a dime... for a good ti-i-ime... and danced to jive"
Ceaselessly whine... about long lines... and more..."