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Song Parodies -> "You Need to Shake My Hand"

Original Song Title:

"The Leader of the Band"

Original Performer:

Dan Fogelberg

Parody Song Title:

"You Need to Shake My Hand"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

The assignment was to write about something that is annoying. Being as easily annoyed as I am...I could have gone with a LOT of different angles. HOWEVER...when meeting a new guy...I'm ESPECIALLY annoyed when he gives me the limp wristed hand shake. It's a deal breaker. Barf!
First time you SMILED, int'rest was mild
I’d heard that you were fun
I met you through a friend from work
Who said “He could be the one.”
She saw you far across the bar
And motioned: “come this way”
As she said your name, I held my hand
Out, TO be swept away

Your hand was damp and clammy
You DID-n’t squeeze at all
I think I’ve felt a stronger grasp
From an OLD and ragg-ed doll
You can’t believe your charming grin
Will hide that you are bland
Your greeting habit’s THE one thing
That this girl real-LY can’t stand

You need to SHAKE my hand, I’m tired
Of your grip; it’s limp and cold
Painting YOUR-self as a spineless gent
My dis-DAIN I can’t control
This meet n’ greet’s a poor attempt
To prove that you’re a man
I view you as a WIMP, you see
‘Cause you CAN-not shake my hand

This all might have been different
If you’d GONE in for a hug
MIGHT have thought you FOR-ward
Better THAN hands LIKE a slug
But now I’m glad that I know
‘Cause by looks, it’s hard to tell
You might HAVE nice hair and clothes
But “th’shake’s” an A-larm bell


I wonder WHY you did it
Did you THINK my hand would break?
If you’d been more assertive
Might’ve WON more THAN a shake
Instead your time’s been wasted
Promise YOU won’t get my call
‘Cause, Fella, your loose granny grip
Did not impress at all!

The shaking OF my hand’s required
‘Less you’re ninety-eight years old
Since you WERE-n’t firm, ass-umed it meant
Being LIMP is how you roll
And nothing will make YOU exempt
Applies to EV’ry man
I’d kick Vin Diesel TO the curb
If he couldn’t shake my hand

It’s just an-noy-ing, and absurd
When a guy can’t shake my hand

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 3.7
How Funny: 3.7
Overall Rating: 3.7

Total Votes: 21

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   7
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   14

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Glen S - May 05, 2009 - Report this comment
Not familiar with the OS, but I'll be back when I have more access to youtube. But I already agree, strong and firm is a good thing.
Matthias - May 05, 2009 - Report this comment
Boring OS but this was still a great parody with a very original topic! "Cause, Fella, your loose granny grip/ Did not impress at all!" stood out.
Arwen - May 05, 2009 - Report this comment
2nz...can't wait to see you again, then. =) I parodied this OS once before...a long time ago...and was surprised by the number of folks who didn't know the OS. I must have been over-exposed to light rock in my upbringing. ; )

Matty...LOL! When I was writing my top comments, I almost said something like, "And even though I realize that Matthias, our fearless leader in this competition, is going to call the OS boring...I'm willing to enter this anyway." I've noticed a trend in your're a harsh judge on the OS choices at times. ; ) retort, while it's light rock at it's most light...and might be "boring" to you...I'm not ashamed to admit that I think the OS is just really pretty...and touching, if it catches me in the right mood. ANYWAY...thanks for the comment...and for the 5s. I hope my new lyrics made the boring OS at least somewhat entertaining for you. =)
alvin - May 05, 2009 - Report this comment
giving you fives and a nice firm handshake
McKludge - May 05, 2009 - Report this comment
As the chairman of the Amiright Committee, it is my privilege to extend a laurel, and hearty handshake to our new ...
Michael Pacholek - May 05, 2009 - Report this comment
You always leave us shaken, and stirred, Arwen.
John Barry - May 05, 2009 - Report this comment
Mark Scotti - May 05, 2009 - Report this comment
I have to "Hand" it to you, Arwen, that was a very clever parody!!!
Ash - May 05, 2009 - Report this comment
This song is a CLASSIC. How do people not know it? That's just crazy to me. And Arwen, as usual, you astound me with your wit and talent. I think I'll offer you a high 5, (or three) cause I'm scared my shake won't hack it. :)
Arwen - May 06, 2009 - Report this comment
Wow...SIX triple ones over night? SWEET!! Is that any sort of record? Probably not. I'm flattered, however, that those six one givers (or that one one giver, who did it six times, somehow) decided that when they wanted to waste their time...they'd do it with me. I think I might get a little emotional.

Alvin...thanks very's appreciated! your new what? I'm on the edge of my seat here...

MP...well, mission accomplished then, sir. Thanks!

John...hee hee...thanks!

Mark...and a clever comment, too. Thanks!

Ash...agreed about the classicness of the OS. I mean, seriously...I think people might not think they know it...but when they hear it, they know it. I mean...come ON. And your handshake is more than adequate...but I'll take your high fives. =)
Below Average Dave - May 06, 2009 - Report this comment
Unfortunately Arwen, Max Power seems to hold all one-bomb records, with most of his garnishing 20 to 30 overnight, BUT it's cool isn't it, it's so awesome to see how much you can get people to erase their cookies and vote ones, makes you want to write more. . .well I always do when I get one bombs anyway. . .5s here though
Jeff Reuben - May 06, 2009 - Report this comment
This would actually make for a good recording, since the backing track is most if not all guitar. If one knew how to play guitar, of course :) Anyway, this sounds like a classic by Limp Handshake, the parody band of Limp Bizcuit. Funny song, a handshake can tell you everything about a man :)
McKludge - May 06, 2009 - Report this comment
Arwen, I'm afraid I'm too nice a guy to complete the quote on this website. Just watch Blazing Saddles.
Leo Keough - May 07, 2009 - Report this comment
Reminds of the time I took my mother to her hairdresser and shook hands with the guy - it felt like he had no bones at all in his hand - eeeyukkk! - Great job - 555!!!
I_listen_to_delilah - May 08, 2009 - Report this comment
So if a date describes her yeast infection over supper, should i still shake her hand?
Arwen - May 11, 2009 - Report this comment
Dave...thanks a bunch. I agree with you that the 1s are just funny. When I first joined the site...and I think this is the case for a lot of people...they really bothered me. But now...I just love that I evoke that kind of reaction from anyone. =)

Jeffy...I suggest you learn how to play the guitar. I'll be over tonight so we can lay the track down. If you could also make me some brownies, while you're learning to play the guitar, that would rock.

McKludge...I haven't watched Blazing Saddles in years. Like, since before dirty references sunk in with me. So sad. I've gotta go dig it up now...

Leo...SERIOUSLY!! That is exactly what I'm talking about. Pet Peeve!!! I'm glad you get it. Thanks!

Delilah I just submitted something, to be up tomorrow, that I think you're going to like. might hate it...depending on how you feel while you're listening to Delilah. for your question...whether or not you shake her hand is entirely up to advice is only that if you DO shake her hand...don't shake anything else. =)
Matthias - May 11, 2009 - Report this comment
Sappy songs like this are only good for comedic recordings so basically what I'm trying to say is that this would be amazing as a recording. It would kinda remind of a Stephan Lynch song.
bobpiecheese - May 18, 2009 - Report this comment
(Ages2) Myself, I prefer the 'sock in a cart' handshake to the 'crusher' handshake, that makes you die of hand-squeezy death (to borrow from Eddie Izzard). Great job, Arwen. 555!
Melanie Lee - May 20, 2009 - Report this comment
(Ages) A weird thing just happened...I was listening and reading your parody, and the OS got to me. I'm weeping now. Anyway, the parody looks very clever and reads well. What's up with all the one-bombs; do they come from limp-wristed men, or from nonjudgmental women? Anyway, 5-5-5, but I may have to return for a second listen to place your order in the contest.
Invisible Boy - May 20, 2009 - Report this comment
I loved you unique twist on this OS that I know so well.
"Being LIMP is how you roll" made me lol. Great write !!!
Below Average Dave - May 20, 2009 - Report this comment
Still don't get how this could possibly get under someone's skin, I mean, it's funny. By the title alone Arwen, honestly, I didn't expect to find a lot of humor in this one, and it started off good, but built up and got better, and better and better. . . "Did You think My Hand Would Break?" Got a Pepsi burn laugh in my nose, pleasure getting my butt kicked by you in this competition, in the words of some great writer from some great decade "Thank You for the Music"
Glen S - May 21, 2009 - Report this comment
Im back, last again. You put a lot of work in to match the many changes in the accents of the original, and that work shows. It reads well with the song, which must have been REALLY hard to achieve with the way he sings. Well done, Arwen. See you around the site.

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