First time you SMILED, int'rest was mild
I’d heard that you were fun
I met you through a friend from work
Who said “He could be the one.”
She saw you far across the bar
And motioned: “come this way”
As she said your name, I held my hand
Out, TO be swept away

Your hand was damp and clammy
You DID-n’t squeeze at all
I think I’ve felt a stronger grasp
From an OLD and ragg-ed doll
You can’t believe your charming grin
Will hide that you are bland
Your greeting habit’s THE one thing
That this girl real-LY can’t stand

You need to SHAKE my hand, I’m tired
Of your grip; it’s limp and cold
Painting YOUR-self as a spineless gent
My dis-DAIN I can’t control
This meet n’ greet’s a poor attempt
To prove that you’re a man
I view you as a WIMP, you see
‘Cause you CAN-not shake my hand

This all might have been different
If you’d GONE in for a hug
MIGHT have thought you FOR-ward
Better THAN hands LIKE a slug
But now I’m glad that I know
‘Cause by looks, it’s hard to tell
You might HAVE nice hair and clothes
But “th’shake’s” an A-larm bell

(instrumental)

I wonder WHY you did it
Did you THINK my hand would break?
If you’d been more assertive
Might’ve WON more THAN a shake
Instead your time’s been wasted
Promise YOU won’t get my call
‘Cause, Fella, your loose granny grip
Did not impress at all!

The shaking OF my hand’s required
‘Less you’re ninety-eight years old
Since you WERE-n’t firm, ass-umed it meant
Being LIMP is how you roll
And nothing will make YOU exempt
Applies to EV’ry man
I’d kick Vin Diesel TO the curb
If he couldn’t shake my hand

It’s just an-noy-ing, and absurd
When a guy can’t shake my hand