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Song Parodies -> "Holiday Travel's Dire"

Original Song Title:

"We Didn't Start the Fire"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Billy Joel

Parody Song Title:

"Holiday Travel's Dire"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

There's always the threat of holiday-season travel getting you killed, as a result of a motor vehicle (car, bus, train, plane) accident, either on the way out or on the way back. This year, though, there's the chance it could kill you through spread of COVID-19. My Thanksgiving dinner will be only one town over, so I'm likely to be safer than most. Still, you never know. The scenario described below is bad enough.
(instrumental opening)

Get off early Wednesday, head start on the getaway.
From Pacific to Atlantic, we all gotta go.
Four-day vacation, get to Grand Central Station.
Hudson, Harlem, or New Haven, gotta make it pronto.

Roads are jammed, no fun, when’s a taxi gonna come?
Subway, better ride? Jammed up on the East Side.
Eyes are burning, smog scene, making me feel very mean!
Mobs of people, I get touchy! Santa’s lucky, got sleigh!

Holiday travel’s dire!
Whether taking planes, automobiles or trains!
You know that
Holiday travel’s dire!
We can never right it, but we try to fight it!

Traffic’s stallin’, streets are clogged, I could use some egg nog.
Go to Starbucks, pay my five bucks, arteries block.
Cell phone, traffic cone, double-park in tow-zone!
Don’t trip! Don’t fall! Damn, look at the clock!
Oy vey, torn jeans, Brooklyn Bridge is looking mean.
Metro-North, total jam, onto bus I should cram?
Oh, no, you a pest! Port Authority stressed!
Big disgrace in that place, trouble, smells like sewers!

Holiday travel’s dire!
Whether taking planes, automobiles or trains!
You know that
Holiday travel’s dire!
We can never right it, but we try to fight it!

Watch the clock, can’t go back! Can I make it on Amtrak?
Nudniks on the fly, bridge traffic will not fly!
Get to Penn Station’s hall, ticket machine won’t play ball!
Border on homicide, I just cannot get a ride!

Uh-oh-oh!
Holly-jolly? No, sir! Getting mad like Mafia!
Jump through hoops? Aw, no, Amtrak is a no-go!
Sold out, ain’t no seats! Airport now, to Kennedy!
Grubby suckers, psychos, taxi’s hurting my nose!

Holiday travel’s dire!
Whether taking planes, automobiles or trains!
You know that
Holiday travel’s dire!
We can never right it, but we try to fight it!

Heading way, Queens, man, strange but not Long Island.
Feels like Berlin after Red invasion.
Midtown schizophrenia, L.I.E. mania.
Van Wyck again, neighborhoods like Paterson.
Traffic makes me stop short! Gotta reach the airport!
JFK plane delay! What else do I have to say?

Holiday travel’s dire!
Whether taking planes, automobiles or trains!
You know that
Holiday travel’s dire!
We can never right it, but we try to fight it!

Flight control says we’re in, finally taking off again.
Paid some big bucks, finally had luck.
Turbulence time, terror on the airline.
I need airsick bag again, rushing’s something I can’t stand.
Too-late touchdown, crappy ride, felt like metal suicide.
Taxi stand yet again? Faster if I ran?
Finally get to the door, Mom is yelling, Dad is sore!
Bought no turkey at the store? I can’t take it anymore!

Holiday travel’s dire!
Whether taking planes, automobiles or trains!
You know that
Holiday travel’s dire!
And when we think we’re gone, it will still go on and on and on and on…

Holiday travel’s dire!
Whether taking planes, automobiles or trains!
You know that
Holiday travel’s dire!
We can never right it, but we try to fight it!
(repeat ‘til fade)

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 2.0
How Funny: 2.1
Overall Rating: 2.0

Total Votes: 33

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   24
 24
 24
 
 2   0
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 3   0
 0
 1
 
 4   2
 0
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 5   7
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 8
 

User Comments

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Dave W - November 23, 2020 - Report this comment
The crazy pace of holiday travelers......Good shtick for a good pick
Patrick - November 27, 2020 - Report this comment
My brother just called to tell me he made it from Kansas City to Denver in 8 hours by car. Sounds like you're still stuck in traffic in NYC. I drove 50 miles to visit my sister in Missouri. Non stop, maybe an hour. No traffic to speak of. Haven't taken a cab or a bus in this century. Rode the one streetcar just for fun. Amtrak has two trains a day between KC and St Louis. Who wants to go to St Louis? "We Didn't Start the Fire" is what I call a "high speed" song. My mind finds it hard to follow and harder still to write. You have turned it into an adventure in very low speed travel. The scene you depict is how Midwesterners view New York/New Jersey at any time of the year, not just holidays. Those who go there and return are regarded with great awe, and not a little sympathy for what they have endured.

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