Hypertension, Down syndrome, rubella, polio
Scarlet fever, Warkany 2, peritonitis

Meningitis, cretinism, neoplasm, aneurysm
Silicosis, synovitis, cystic fibrosis

Common cold, cowpox, ebola, chicken pox
Herpes, that lyme disease, and my constant bouts with fleas

I don't need no vaccine, migraines got me keeling
Phenylketonuria and paratyphoid fever

My "needs" are really dire
I have no diseases
Not even the sneezes
Hypchondriac, am I?
Well, you're right, excuse me
Must fake symptoms, sorry

Diarrhoea, flatulence, plus fecal incontinence
Dyspepsia, dysphagia, constipation

Blister, edema, epistaxis, tremor
Cataplexy, hypothermia

Dry mouth, weight gain, chest and abdominal pain
Muscle weakness, vomiting, dsyuria and belching

Weight loss, tinnutis, anasarca, jaundice
Nausea, apnea, hematochezia

My "needs" are really dire
I'm making it all up
Just to make a damn buck
Cash onto which retire
Pretend to have tussles
With my bones and muscles

Clavicle, mandible, and both longitudinals
Triceps brachii, intertransversarii

Humerus, radius, proximal phalanges
Sternocleidomastoid, don't forget "my" haemorrhoids

Stomach's churning, trick knees, fat's clogging arteries
Runny nose, gall stones, six or seven broke bones

Brain clots, fractured skull, going deaf and vision's dull
Need a doctor, pronto! My appendix will blow

My "needs" are really dire
To what I owe it all?
My Diseases journal
Ev'rything's gone haywire
In Emergency Room
Makes me laugh to see 'em

Alzheimers, asthma, and "my" emphysema
Doctor, oh please, cure "my" Farber disease

Hairy cell leukemia, and "my" kleptomania
Cure "my", please Miss, multiple sclerosis

Krabbe and Pompe disease, plus "my" mild insanity
Can't believe, you can't see, hypochondriatic me!

My "needs" are really dire
Most of these you won't know
But that just goes to show
You can call me a liar
Yes it is all for fun
Just to see the freaks run

Here we go, once again, in the theatre again
Get cut, blood spot, no problem, get caught

I was faking, can't tell lies, yelling "You dirty guy!
Wasted all our precious time! We'll get you back into line!"

Go to court then, thrown in jail, for "pretending one was frail"
Store some files, for a while, escape, run for miles

Make a couple brand new mates, get my stuff shipped in with crates
Legally I change my name, THEN THE WHOLE THING STARTS AGAIN!

"My "needs" are really dire"
Ev'ry time I get caught
Run and find a new port
Provoke ev'ryone's ire
I'll do it in CA
And also in LA and CO and DE and GA and MA and PA and VA and WA and WI

My "needs" are really dire
I could spend forever
Swindling doctors - suckers!
Easier than a fire
Can't believe they're pulled in
Think they need an asp'rin