If to Pole up North you go,
There's a fellow who goes, "Ho, ho, ho!"
With a jolly inflection
He tells his predilection:
"I'm dancin' with my elf."

His wife doesn't think it's right
To cavort with one so slight.
And his favorite song:
"Short People." That's so wrong!
Fat guy's dancin' with his elf.

He travels all over the world
With gifts for each boy and girl,
But before he flies,
Twinkle in his eyes
As he's dancin' with his elf.

Call it a Kris Kringle kink--
At least he doesn't dress in mink
Like his maiden aunts.
Shocked, Rudy looks askance
At him there, dancin' with his elf.

He's dancin' with his elf (2x)
While his missus reproves,
She admits: got great moves
As he's dancing with his elf.

He travels all over the world--
Coal for the boy who's a churl,
But before he flies,
He's twistin' his thighs
As he's dancin' with his elf.

Call it a Kris Kringle kink--
At least he's not given to drink
Like his maiden aunts,
Who get smashed, go on rants.
No, he's just dancin' with his elf.

And those cranky aunts
Put some Ben-Gay in Sant's
Bright-red underpants,
But he's nice, so he grants
Leeway to his aunts,
'cause he just wants romance.

There's no doubt that they are bad girls.
Santa don't care as he whirls
Like a dervish who flies,
With one half his size,
Yes, he's romancin' his elf.

His ratfink aunts sit and drink
Then pass out, and he's in the pink.
Off have come his pants;
From his sack he implants
A tip-dipped lagniappe in his elf.