Man, I've got a gripe 'bout bagpi-i-ipes
They're an instrument that I abhor
I can't bear them, it's true-ue-ue
So obnoxious, stop it du-ude
Ma-an, I've got some gripes 'bout bagpi-i-ipes
Really hate them, it's the tru-u-u-uth

When I hear that screeching ho-o-onk
I start begging it will stop real quickly
That neverending caterwau-au-aul
Is a total musical trave-esty-y-y
Never sounded good, can't lie-ie-ie
Don't think that I'll stop despi-ising it, you see-ee
Unadulterated crap
Got no trips to Scotland planned, obviou-ously-y
I remember
When I first hea-eard
That noise in my noggin
Wanted to dislodge i-i-it
With a large brick

And so, I've got a gripe 'bout bagpi-i-ipes
Shitty instrument that I abhor
I can't bear them, it's true-ue-ue
I don't care if I sound ru-u-ude

Please shut it

Could say I'm an asshole
To dismiss culture with su-u-uch gusto-o
But I still think it blows
I'd rather eat old haggis, a-a-also-o
May say that I've heard them twi-i-ice
I've heard them a few million ti-imes (my ears bleed)
From cinema
Games and TV
I-I'm utterly si-ick o-of
Ev'ry damn part of it
Bagpipes just suck

Said that I've got a gripe 'bout bagpi-i-ipes
Heinous instrument that I abhor
I can't bear (I can't bear) them, it's true-ue-ue
Cause they butcher ev'ry tu-une
So-o, I've got these gripes 'bout bagpi-i-ipes
Like a bag of cats, that I abhor (bag of cats, can't bea-ear)
Yeah, that sounds (sounds) awful, du-u-ude
So stop practising, you foo-oo-ool

Yes, my list of gripes 'bout bagpi-i-ipes
That dumb instrument that I abhor (really feel it's lame)
Have been flared cause of you-ou-ou
Playing all night like a too-ool
My long-held gripes 'bout bagpi-i-ipes
They're exacerbated by you, dork (put that thing awa-ay)
I can't bear when it too-oo-oots (when it toots)
Cut it out right now, you too-ool
A-all my long-lived gripes 'bout bagpi-i-ipes (wish you would not play) (all my bagpipe gripes)
Aren't helped by you playing Braveheart's score (it's annoying, stop)
Might burn down (take my matches out) that thing soo-oo-oon (now)
If you ever dare resu-u-ume