On an abandoned highway, without a single care.
Hot smell of coal fires burning through the air.
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a frightening sight.
He pulled me over for avoiding a stoplight.

I was forced to stay there for the night.
There Eldonna stood in the doorway.
I heard the church's bells.
And I was thinking to myself,
"This place must have gone through hell"
Then she picked me up and she showed me the way.
I heard voices in the corridor,
And I heard them say.

Welcome to the Hotel Valkenvania.
Such a ghastly place (such a ghastly place)
Such a gruesome fate.
Doom and gloom at the Hotel Valkenvania.
They come here every year (every year).
Always filled with fear.

Eldonna stood there, by a smashed up Mercedes Benz.
With the two creepy cousins, and the cops are all friends.
How she works in the junkyard.
A place to remember, that i'd rather forget.

So I called up Judge Alvin.
"How can you stand living here? It barely seems fine.".
He said, "I've been living here since nineteen forty nine."
And I hear the voices calling from far away,
They woke me up in the middle of the night
So I could hear them say.

Welcome to the Hotel Valkenvania.
Such a ghastly place (such a ghastly place)
Such a gruesome fate.
Stuck as a prisoner in Hotel Valkenvania.
What a horrid sight (a horrid sight).
Should have brought my alibis.

Stalactites on the ceiling.
Mr Bonestripper's not nice.
The judge said "You're now a prisoner, of your own device"
And in the judge's chambers.
They gathered for a feast.
I gagged at this unpleasant sight.
It made me sick to say the least.

Last thing I remember, I was
Trying to find the door.
But I couldn't find the passage back.
To the place I was at before.
"Relax, " said the police-man
"I was ordered to receive.
You can check out of here any time you like,
But you can never ever leave."