My doc's a baldheaded man,
Around him combs get lonesome
His life is a medical mission
Smart as a whip, but he oughta' get stoned some
Or take his own meds that he's dishin'
My diagnosis, constipation, too much bad food
He says, I need fiber to get unglued
Gotta' lay in more veggies, less meat that is red
Stop the reckless breakfast, no bacon, eggs, soft spread

Life with the whole grain
All that tasteless cardboard junk
Life with the whole grain
Gettin' healthy is punk..

Eager for hotcakes, cinnamon rolls
Need Mickey D action, not brown stuff in bowls.
Look at those lucky people, need no powders and pills
Never gaseous and farty, they'd eat buffalo kills
No asparagus spears are forkin' their face
I'm just turnin' green with envy, like to spray 'em all with mace
Boredom is dieting, cholesterol-light
Keep my eyes closed while eatin'..or I'd gag at the sight

Life with the whole grain,
Nasty grub that doesn't bind
Stuck with the whole grain,
Life with the whole grain,
Don't even feel I've dined
Life with the whole grain

Cravin' and starvin', feel like I'm hearse'd
My wife says I shouldn't whine..regularity's first
I said, "Listen Gretchen, you should have to eat this stuff
Powdered fiber in your OJ..you'd know why I've had enough"
She said, "Heed the doctor, and eat your cornmeal mash
For dinner, you get soybeans, and delicious succotash."
Found my body on the freeway, damn that concrete wasn't soft
I didn't care, I was just dyin' to jump off, now no more...

Stuck with the whole grain,
Awful grub that didn't bind
Free from the whole grain,
Free from that whole grain,
Farmers kiss my behind..
No more the whole grain,
Unstuck from whole grain
No life with whole grain..