I’ve got to find myself a place to live,
On tranquil suburbs I am hooked,
Far from the craziness of city life,
With a garden that isn’t overlooked.

See me driving south from Shooters Hill,
To get that smog out of my lungs,
Trying to digest all my relatives’ advice
On the perimeter of Orpington’s.

Oho, I’m a purchaser, a prospective purchaser
Of a bungalow in Petts Wood.
Oho, I’m a purchaser, a prospective purchaser
Of a bungalow in Petts Wood.

Don’t want a penthouse flat in Pimlico,
Don’t seek a timeshare in Torbay,
Just need a bungalow near Orpington,
With a bus stop not very far away!

Don’t need a bedroom with an en suite shower,
Don’t need a staircase with a rail,
Don’t want a paddock for some future horse,
I’m not searching for the Holy Grail.

Oh no, I’m a purchaser, a prospective purchaser
Of a bungalow in Petts Wood.
Oho, I’m a purchaser, a prospective purchaser
Of a bungalow in Petts Wood.

While comparing properties, I need a brain like Socrates’
For weighing up the benefits and snags,
Liaising with three agents, exhausting all my patience,
Their brochures weighing down my shopping bags.

Don’t want two rooms above a take-away,
Can’t bear to live amongst the dregs,
Just need a bungalow near Orpington,
With a garden in which to stretch my legs.

Don’t want a semi down in Sydenham,
Don’t need no cottage in The Weald.
I’ve found a bungalow near Orpington,
I won’t say where, for now my lips are sealed.

Oho, I’m a purchaser, a prospective purchaser
Of a bungalow in Petts Wood.
Oho, I’m a purchaser, a prospective purchaser
Of a bungalow in Petts Wood.