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Song Parodies -> "Swimmer Wins Oftly, Hitting Bong (Michael Phelps)"

Original Song Title:

"Killing Me Softly With His Song"

Original Performer:

Roberta Flack

Parody Song Title:

"Swimmer Wins Oftly, Hitting Bong (Michael Phelps)"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has proposed that his state legalize marijuana, already a huge industry there -- a recent documentary reported that about a third of the economy of Mendocino County is based on growing and selling the weed, revenue currently not being taxed in a state with a severe budget crisis.

Scare-mongering films of the 1930s and 1940s warned that in marijuana (cannabis) lurked "Murder, Insanity, and Death"! (actually, much more true of alcohol, which is involved in half of all murders and half of all fatal motor vehicle accidents). Those old B&W films were really funny to watch if you were stoned... or so TT has been told... [a]

Ironically, observe the fuss over performance-enhancing drugs in football, wrestling, baseball, and probably chess. Marijuana, being a relaxant, would, if anything, be a "performance de-enhancer" (except for "one certain activity", mwahahahaha, but don't tell anyone). Yet this deadly and ruinous drug doesn't seem to have stopped Michael Phelps from winning more gold medals in a single Olympics than anyone else in history. What am I missing here?
Winning the race by a finger [1]
Training so hard and so long
Swimming for miles, gets so strong
Filling day off he... hits a bong
R&R: boff he: double swinger [2]
No medals, cost he: hitting bong


We saw him win the breaststroke [3]
Backstroke, relay, freestyle
They played the US anthem
Gave us all a smile
And so he is, this young man:
No danger; legalize:

Having a taste of the zinger
Cooking your brownies with herbs
Somehow, this champion got along
Thrilling Olympics: played our song
Winner, his whole life; pot disturbs?
Silly idea, that; thesis: wrong

He spread Olympic fever
Applause from Chinese crowd
Could he do any better
If pot were not allowed?
And by the ev'ning's finish:
Gold medals, they put on

Did you think they subbed a ringer? [4]
Clearly, our laws: morals blurred
Must not be costly, hitting bong
Water: less cough, we: filter, strong
Cannabis tax law: quite absurd [5]
Kill this oft-scoffed law, don't prolong

He swam like Turtle-to-be
He won, if by a hair
And then he lit a doobie
But why does Congress care?
'Cause he just kept on winning
Sinning all life long?

Glory of Phelps, long it lingers
Potheads are not always nerds
Speedo™ suit wore he, not man-thong
Prison is where he should belong???
Dwelling on wrong things: for the birds!
Filling state's coffers, taxes throng

[interlude: Olympic theme, frequently interrupted by USA National Anthem, "The Star-Spangled Banner", as Phelps wins yet another.]

sniff.... mmmm..... whifff..... ohhhhh.... wheee!

Lawmakers: Born in a manger?
Casting first stones at the stoned
Sinless among you: not one soul
You should be hung, you smug a**hole
Selling your souls: rife; not atoned
Hope Devil pokes you with his prong...

He was winning again
Yeah, he's a winner for life
Why can't he lawf'lly hit his bong?
Why regard awf'lly, bit of bong?
Go get your own life, useless turds
Source of your laws be:
Cheech and Chong?

[a] [footnotes to headnotes, expanding TT's -note repertoire and starting a new trend for no one, self included, hopefully] The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved the use of "Marinol™", a pill whose active ingredient is THC (the psychoactive ingredient in cannabis), for treating the nausea caused in cancer patients by chemotherapy and the resulting loss of appetite and subsequent malnourishment. The laboratory-synthesized stuff wasn't as effective as organic, home-grown (nothing ever is), but was still superior to every previously-approved drug. In other words, marijuana is the most powerful anti-nausea agent known to humanity.

However, one problem in trying to obtain FDA approval for the natural herb is that part of drug testing involves determining the lethal dose: the dose that kills half of the test subjects (LD-50). Fortunately, they test it on lawyers, or, if they're all in court that day, on rats. Unfortunately, marijuana, by itself (i. e., not mixed with six Quaaludes™ and washed down with tequila shooters and some X), has never been known to kill anyone: there *is* no lethal overdose, the only substance in the world for which that is presently known to be true. Every year, people die from overdoses of water (quit carrying around your stupid little water bottle); salt; alcohol; aspirin; Tylenol™ (acetaminophen); Ibuprofen (Motrin™ and other brand names); prescription drugs of all types, often accidentally administered in hospitals; heroin, cocaine, etc., -- but no one dies from an OD of pot. You'd pass out long before, anyway. (I guess you could die laughing, or from the resulting OD of Haagen-Dasz™ -- oh, the things researchers must do in the name of science!)

So, the FDA cannot approve it, because the lethal dose cannot be determined. Amazing, but true.

[1] The 100-meter butterfly: Behind for most of the race, came up with a strong finish at the end, though still slightly behind the leader, and at the last second, gave an extra half-kick and thrust his arm forward, touching the wall with his finger, to win the race by ... 1/100 of a second.

[2] (R&R = "Rest and Recuperation" or "Rest and Recreation", a military term) Said to have had a *3-hour* threesome with two strippers. Hey, he's in great cardiovascular condition, and although tall, his arms are unusually long even for his height; and (an advantage for swimmers almost as good as having flippers) has unusually large feet, too. So, I'm just goin' out on a limb here (pun! lol sorry), but I'm guessin' he also ....

[3] As parts of the medley events, which include breaststroke, backstroke, butterfly, and freestyle.

[4] "ringer" = contestant (including horses) deceitfully substituted for a less able one or in a class lower than that of the "ringer". Does the anti-pot crowd think that the Michael Phelps who won all the gold was a different Michael Phelps from the one who enjoys a toke?

[5] The "Marihuana Tax Act of 1937", passed amidst overblown testimony and scare stories at hearings, required anyone in the US dealing in hemp (the fibrous plant that Thomas Jefferson grew, which makes better rope than does cotton) or marijuana (the leaves, buds, flowers, and stems of same) to pay a one-dollar tax and obtain a tax stamp. However, they wouldn't sell you the stamp unless you brought in your load. But then they could arrest you for having an untaxed stash.

I'm not making this up, folks. It's exactly as stupid as it sounds, and the purpose, of course, was to outlaw pot, something that might have been Constitutionally difficult, especially since the Prohibition (of alcohol) Amendment, passed in 1919, had just been repealed in 1933 as being useless; ineffective; making criminals of honest citizens; and causing the rapid growth, enrichment, and power of organized crime.

Eventually, in 1969, the Supreme Court ruled that the 1937 Tax Act violated your Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination (d'oh!). So in 1970, those pure, innocent, wholesome guardians of our morality, the United States Congress, passed a law repealing the 1937 Tax Act and flatly outlawing marijuana. Since only "hippies" used it, it was viewed as a counter-culture substance by those alcoholics in Congress.

"Speedo"® Speedo International.. All else© 2009 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 8

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 5   8

User Comments

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Timmy1000 - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Nice double dose of Phelps and Legalizing issue today.
Mark Scotti - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Nicely done, Tom! It's probably the LEAST damaging of all the drugs(both legal & not) out there! I did my own Michael Phelps in:
alvin - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
and ya even got in a turtle
Christie Marie M - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Funny you should mention it, Tommy! Back in high school I was in the swim team and one of the swimmers in the swim meet I went to in '94 was carrying some performance enhancement medicine. She tried to offer me some but I told her that I don't need drugs to win gold medals, and neither should she take drugs to win the race. I proved it by winning 4 gold medals in every event. Anyways, I'm very high on your song. Enjoyed it lots. You win 555 gold medals on this one!
AFW - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Michael Puffed a bong ashore, hallilujah....good goin'....good writing, here
Gari J - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
I gotta hand it to you TT you have a knack for making some great parodies. Your style is very different to what I've seen from anyone else using short terms of reference in a single line but contains a lot of info eg. Winner, his whole life; pot disturbs? Clearly, our laws: morals blurred Brilliant But my fave line is Pothead and nerds let out a loud laugh thier. Then at the end a paragraph of interesting info (thats worth 5's on it own) anyway here's a load of 5's for you.
Tommy Turtle - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Timmy1000, double dose of thanks.
Mark Scotti, agree... thanks for v/c.
alvin: hehehe, yeah, that was fun :) thanks for v/c, alvin.
Dhristie Marie M: Good for you!!! Thanks for sharing that! ... and yeah, despite the song, nature, love, and laughter are the best highs of all.... thanks for v/c, CMM!

AFWL: LOL! Is that an actual parody, or are you writing it? ... thanks for v/c.
Gari J: Thanks much, friend. Uhh, no question that TT's "unique", but not everyone thinks it's in a good way lol! Glad you liked the style, the song, and the background info. Thanks for v/c, GJ.
Chance Gollnick - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
good job, where did mike go wrong? that we'll never know
Tommy Turtle - June 03, 2009 - Report this comment
Chance Gollnick: Thanks as always for vote and comment. However, the song is saying that *Mike* didn't go wrong, our lawmakers went wrong when they made a crime of something far less harmful than drinking. Thanks again for reading.
Travelin' Man - June 04, 2009 - Report this comment
I Phel for this one 'hook', ' line' n' thinker! Great job and always inTTernesting in n' outros... Pardon brevity; composed on cell phone !
TT - June 04, 2009 - Report this comment
Travelin' Man, hope they let ya out of cell soon! Thanks for "bale" of punny comments, and that'll be $1.60 for those minutes.... thanks for takin' time from travelin', Man. Hope trip going well and safely.

"WASHINGTON (AFP) – A group of US representatives plan to introduce legislation that will legalize marijuana and allow states to legislate its use, pro-marijuana groups said Wednesday.

The legislation would limit the federal government's role in marijuana enforcement to cross-border or inter-state smuggling, and allow people to legally grow, use or sell marijuana in states where it is legal.

The bill, which is expected to be introduced on Thursday by Republican Representative Ron Paul and Democratic Representative Barney Frank, would be the first ever legislation designed to end the federal ban on marijuana.

Sixteen of the 50 states as well as the District of Columbia have legalized the use of marijuana for medical purposes.

But planting, selling or commercially distributing marijuana remains illegal under federal law.

Last year, California citizens voted not to legalize recreational marijuana use, although the debate continues in about half a dozen other states.

Three weeks ago a group of ex-presidents of Latin America as well as former United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan denounced the failure of the global war on drugs and called for urgent changes, including the legalization of cannabis.

Between 1998 and 2008, worldwide consumption of opiates *increased* 35 percent, with cocaine use growing 27 percent and marijuana use growing 8.5 percent, according to the Global Commission on Drug Policy.

June marks the 40th anniversary of the "War on Drugs" launched by President Richard Nixon in 1970, the first major US anti-drug initiative."

(emphasis on "increased" was added by yours truly, to illustrate that the War on Drugs has been lost, along with the billions and billions of dollars spent on it. - TT)

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