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Song Parodies -> "Crusader Rhapsody"

Original Song Title:

"Bohemian Rhapsody"

Original Performer:


Parody Song Title:

"Crusader Rhapsody"

Parody Written by:

Susanna Viljanen

The Lyrics

Inspired by the movie "Kingdom of Heaven"; one of the few Middle Ages' films I could watch with full satisfaction on historical details. (Oh, almost...) This is my version on what happened during those fateful years 1185-1187.
[Raymond de Tripoli]

Is this the crusade -
is this the Holy Land?
Caught in a nightmare
I can't really understand -
Confess your sins
the end of the king-
dom might be -
Lusignan's crowned, and he has no common sense
And now poor Baldwin's dead, Guy's the king
Saladin will cheer and sing
Anyway, the kingdom
is on the verge of catastrophe!

[Reynaud de Chatillon]

Mylord, I did break the truce
attacked on a caravan
slaughtered Muslims to last man
Mylord, war will sure begin
it is now the time to crush the infidel!
Mylord, o-o-o-o
now summon all your knights,
It's time to have the battle with Saladin
carry on, carry on, he's gone for Tiberias

[Guy de Lusignan]

March now, we will crush the foe
'Cause the Lord is on our side
unprepared we can now ride
Goodbye Jerusalem, we will cross desert -
even if we have no water nor supplies -
Hattin - o-o-o-o (in our throats the wind blows)
they are all over us
it seems we've fallen in a trap of Muslims...

[Gerard de Ridefort, Master of Temple]

I see a horde of Saracens to be slain
Deus vult! Deus vult! Couch your lances and go charging
Crossbow bolt and arrow piercing bone and marrow now!
Saladin-o [Saladin-o!] Saladin-o [Saladin-o!]
We want to get - now Tally Ho! -

[Balian d'Ibelin and Raymond de Tripoli]

We will lose the battle, this is oh so foretold
gather all my troops and charge with knights of household
Spare this kingdom from disaster of Hattin -
Close the ranks, protect flanks, now it's time to go -


Bismillah! No, we will not let you go - let you go
Bismillah! we will not let you go - let you go
Bismillah! we will not let you go - let you go
Will not let you go - let you go
Will not let you go - let you go
No, no, no, no, no, no, no -
it's Ferengi, it's Ferengi, it's Ferengi now undone
Allah akhbar! Now the Christians are put aside for me, for me, for me -

[Saladin to Reynaud de Chatillon]

So you thought you can cheat me and spit in my eye -
Now think I'll behead you and leave you to die-
Oh Arnat! Now pay for your crimes, oh Arnat!
Just gotta slay you - just gotta slay you in name of God!

[Balian d'Ibelin]

Every man to arms!
Jerusalem's besieged!
Prepare for the last stand of city!

Hope king Richard will come!
The film "Kingdom of Heaven" presented the politics of Outremer pretty correctly. The young and wise - and so unfortunate - king Baldwin IV perished from leprosy 1185, leaving his infant nephew Baldwin V to rule the kingdom. He was in turn poisoned by arrogant upstart Guy de Lusignan, who was haughty and aggressive, but had absolutely no skills of neither king nor general. He was crowned 1186 as King of Jerusalem. Meanwhile, count Reynaud de Chatillon, who bore burning and insane hatred on islam, had attacked a caravan, provoking sultan Saladin to war. The fate of kingdom were now on hands of three incompetent morons - king Guy (a dumb bully), count Reynaud (an embittered fanatic) and Master of Temple, Gerard de Ridefort (a delusional megalomaniac) . The only people with common sense, Balian d'Ibelin (Constable of Jerusalem) and Raymond of Tripoli, were overruled. Saladin had laid siege on Tiberias. King Guy hastily summoned all the knights and foot soldiers of Kingdom of Jerusalem, and against all warnings they marched cross the desert, and were ambushed at Horns of Hattin, 4th July 1187. Half-dead from thirst and exhaustion, they still put up a stiff fight, but result was inevitable. The Christians were utterly defeated, and only Balian d'Ibelin and Raymond de Tripoli and their contingents, some 3000 men, were able to escape the carnage back to Jerusalem. In the end all Christian leaders were captured, and Saladin had Reynaud (in muslim sources Arnat) beheaded for his crimes. Meanwhile, Balian d'Ibelin arranged Jerusalem's defense, which was now besieged by the Saracens. Jerusalem eventually surrendered after a bitter siege. Since the town surrendered and was not taken by assault (unlike it was 1099), the lives of the inhabitants were spared. The disaster of Hattin sparked the Third Crusade, led by Holy Roman Emperor Friedrich I Barbarossa, King Richard Coeur de Lion of England and King Philippe II August of France. "Ferengi" is the Saracen name for Crusaders, a corruption from "Frank". The Star Trek Ferengi are said to have been formed after a Saracen caricature of the Kingdom of Jerusalem, by overdoing the Franks' usual caution, leaving out the Franks' military prowess in the time of need, and replacing the Frankish role of women in the society by that of the Arab.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.8
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 9

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   2
 5   7

User Comments

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Royce Miller - May 06, 2005 - Report this comment
Your huge amount of work here deserves 5's.
Johnny D - May 06, 2005 - Report this comment
Red Ant - May 06, 2005 - Report this comment
If you were my history teacher perhaps I would have done better in that subject as well ( you already know I failed Latin ).

That is the longest footnote I have ever seen. No clever way to say 555 this time so I wont. :)
Kat - May 06, 2005 - Report this comment
(whistles) I'm impressed.
Dumb Ass Kid - May 06, 2005 - Report this comment
Very impressive, however, I had to mark you down for the pacing errors I kept meeting. I certainly didn't think it had 'lots', if any humour in it, but a full 5 for effort as I can appreciate the effort which has been put in. Gratz. 425
Phil Alexander - May 10, 2005 - Report this comment
Excellent, Susanna - I see what you mean about "Knights who speak Latin" being an appropriate sequel.
Tarek Z. - June 05, 2005 - Report this comment
hey, i'm an egyptian muslim. Crusader Rhapsody is really impressive. i don't know what the band meant by "Bismillah" in the song... any way your work is amazing.

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