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Song Parodies -> "Nifty Ways To Sleeve Your Boner"

Original Song Title:

"50 Ways To Leave Your Lover"

Original Performer:

Paul Simon

Parody Song Title:

"Nifty Ways To Sleeve Your Boner"

Parody Written by:

Andy Primus

The Lyrics

Johnny = condom

The problem is if you can’t afford that johnny fee
Or if you have money, but you’re tight an’ miserly
Or you’re embarrassed when you buy that pack of three
Then use my…thrifty ways to sleeve your boner

So, when you’ve nearly got some woman in the nude
Carry on, as long as certain that your date was not once dude
You must protect yourself…when the gals are in the mood
An’ use my…thrifty ways to sleeve your boner
Nifty ways to sleeve your boner

You get gut of the yak, Jack
Tie at one end, friend
You put that on your toy, Roy
Bit messy, but free
Dreadin’ a leak, Zeke
You drip jizz an’ you’ll cuss much
Leave some in the she, Lee
An’ kid’s a maybe

Ooh, bag on the knob, Rob
If polythene, Gene
You won’t fertilize egg, Greg
You be single an’ free
Put on a hat, Pat
You don’t heed an’ you’ll cuss much
If not on the pill, Phil
Then Kid’s a maybe

Date said, “You peeve me so; to be here is such pain”
I’m now at a “Grab the Granny” do…to get some tail again
I think, “Urgh, an ugly ol’ bat”…but here’s where I’ll remain
To get me fifty lays

She says, “With rubber on, I’ll sleep with you tonight”
And I believe, on a Harley, there’s a part to fit me right
So I’ll be hopin’…that an inner tube, once cut an’ tied, is tight
I love them…thrifty ways to sleeve your boner
Nifty ways to sleeve your boner

I’ve just made it the fave, Dave
Needs a good rinse, Vince
An old bit of a bike, Mike
Sure satisfied me
Now she’s hopin’ I pay, Ray
I don’t think it was worth much
Coz she’s eighty three, Lee
An’ dribblin’ pee

If with a ho, Joe
Use a good sheath, Keith
You should cover your dick, Rick
You must listen to me
Risk of the syph, Cliff
You don’t want to piss pus much
That sure ain’t a lark, Mark
There’s pain when you pee

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 10

Voting Breakdown

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    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
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 5   10

User Comments

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Mark Scotti - February 02, 2012 - Report this comment
That was the most unique (W)rap song I have ever read...LOL
Shelly - February 02, 2012 - Report this comment
In days of old
When knights were bold
And rubbers weren't invented
They tied a sock
Around their c*ck
And babies were prevented

LOL at concept and title switch alone. Great job on all subs/rhymes, for a "hard" and "trick"-y OS. Faves were "not a dude" ROFL and using parts from a Harley. Improvise.... Here are 555 more condoms, Try to find a better target for them. :)

"Come" to think of it, with an inner tube, could you even feel the chick? Could just use the innner tube alone, and save the money. .... and LOL @ Mark's comment!
Solo - February 02, 2012 - Report this comment
You forget to mention the old tube-sox-on-the-cox routine, a la Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Peter Andersson - February 03, 2012 - Report this comment
Just ask for a blow, Joe...
LJ - February 03, 2012 - Report this comment
Great substitutions, very funny. Fives.
AndyP - February 04, 2012 - Report this comment
Thanks to Mark (LOL), Shelly (It was harder than I expected. "better target" - UK saying = "any port in a storm"), Solo (don't know much about RHCP, so wasn't familiar with that until I just looked it up), Peter & LJ
pragmaTisT - February 05, 2012 - Report this comment
"any port in a storm" = US, too, both literally (weather or problem) and figuratively, any "relief" in a bad situation -- including this one. Identical UK-US.
Meriadoc - September 12, 2012 - Report this comment
Looks like you had this parody... just about all wrapped up...
AndyP - October 14, 2012 - Report this comment
Very late thanks to TT for pointing out that the saying is UK & US.

Late thanks to Meriadoc for checking this one out & commenting. I really should check my "latest comments" page more often!
Peregrin - October 11, 2022 - Report this comment
Again, I just got here. Very enjoyable, funny how this OS lends itself to dubious subject matter! Picking up on the comments above, I am glad johnny was explained, because whilst it may be identical in US/UK usage, have not heard of it in AUS.
Andy Primus - October 13, 2022 - Report this comment
Very surprised you'd not heard of that one
Peregrin - October 13, 2022 - Report this comment
If I had been asked to guess, I would have guessed that it referred to the appendage in question. In one of the other parodies of yours I read your opening comment described 'norks' as Aussie slang for breasts. I have always thought of that word as British slang used sometimes by Aussies. I can sort of see Frankie Howerd saying it (and Benny Hill thinking it!). Interesting how people see things differently isn't it?

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