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Song Parodies -> "Nifty Ways To Please Your Lover, Vol. II: Advice (Tributes) To Women"

Original Song Title:

"50 Ways To Leave Your Lover"

Original Performer:

Paul Simon

Parody Song Title:

"Nifty Ways To Please Your Lover, Vol. II: Advice (Tributes) To Women"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

The "flip side" of the advice to men in Vol. I, inspired by UnKnownVotrix's comment there, about the ~Knights oParod~, and TT's reply that he should do one about the ~Damsels oParod~ some day. So, UnKnownVotrix and all other Damsels, this one's for you!

This is all of the distaff side that TT recognizes from the apparently-female names on the Author list. Since the site is about 90+% male, and TT DK some of the ladies, there was a deficiency of names, vs. the surplus of male names, some of whom didn't get worked into Vol. I.

Truth: that made this one a lot harder to do, but if TT missed anyone he should have remembered, he'll crawl into his shell in embarrassment and never come out again. ... Done to this OS video.

The problem: So many women cried, "Men: mystery"
We really are easy if you treat us lovingly
We love to help you; show off masculinity
There's lots more; other ways than under covers

Sometimes he needs his space; bad habit to intrude
Do not bore or nag, demeaning: love will cost; nice, Miss, not rude
Your love: complete himself; men hate risk of being shrewed [1]
Your kind and giving ways will please your lover
Bliss: the days when pleased, your lover

You just make him feel phat, Cat
Stand by your man, Ann
Pippin: Meriadoc, rock!
And let him breathe free
Say, PMS, "Yes!"
Thrill more, Andria Kilgore!
Be darlin'. dear Arwen
And his, you will be

Ooh, never condemn, Em'
Be, NorCalGal, pal
Just take care of his aches, "Cakes"
Gals, listen to T.
Treat him real swell, Belle
So sweet: Melanie Lee, be
Like Christie Marie, see?
Win his love for thee

You must believe me: Never leave your man in pain
There is more than *one* thing you can do to make him smile again
Your kind words alleviate that; speak good of him to friends
Telll them, your man: amaze!

Misled, not; wants your troth; don't sleep around; not right [2]
And when he leaves in the morning: "I can't wait until tonight!"
Don't ever dis him; and his ego size, just prop up: proper height
Works so hard, -- his hair grays, to feed you; love him
Works hard days; he needs your lovin'

You just give this a whirl, Girl
Make him a man's man:
Top banana, Susanna
You'll "Finnish" ere he [3]
Oh, make him intrigued, 2Eag'
Though sometimes, men will cuss much
Just lady-like be, see?
In bedroom, be free [4]

No stab-in-back flak
Go with your man's plan
Word and deed: bring your boy joy
Ignore p*ssin' on seat
Don't make a fuss, thus
Or your man, you'll nonplus much
Just follow your id, Fid
(Psst! Hey, you *and* me!)

[1] It's not in the dictionary as an active or passive verb: "to be the victim of a shrew" ... What power, to hold a Class A Poetic License! -- and presto: neologismic trick! (Real word "shrew" played on here is no relation to other real word, "shrewd", i. e., clever.)

[2] Although we usually think of "troth" in the sense of "betrothed" = "engaged (to be married)", assuming that we think of it at all, which, quite frankly, most of us don't (unless we're Shakespeare fanboys/girls), by itself, it also means "faithfulness, fidelity, or loyalty" -- as used here. By your troth, aren't you glad that you know that now? (i. e., "on your honor, by your solemn word")

[3] Most convoluTTed ever; probably deserve to be shot at dawn, except I never get up that early.
RoTTen pun: If you treat him right, he'll obey the rule that "Ladies always come first", heh heh ;) -- combined with an even Rotterdam pun on Ms. Viljanen's nationality. (yeah, I know Rotterdam is in the Netherlands. One bad pun deserves another.)

[4] One more way of restating the old description of the ideal woman: "A lady in the living room, and a wh*re in the bedroom".
Another way: always a lady in public, but when we get behind closed doors ...

R. I. P. Royce Miller, one of the greatest writers here of *either* gender. TT is very glad that he wrote two tributes to Royce while she was still here to see them.

© 2010 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.8
How Funny: 4.3
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 6

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User Comments

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2Eagle - August 11, 2010 - Report this comment
Give your lover another chance before you leave him.
DonaDosOuevos - August 11, 2010 - Report this comment
SenorTaTa, indeed I do live by this philosophy: I know so well who the ' TopBanana ' is, Sir !
Paw'd Simon - August 11, 2010 - Report this comment
Fantastickle take from the otro POV, Sir Tommy... Garfunkle and I offer our profound thanks--we're already reaping benefits! Can hardly wait for your bardtastic follow-on, "Fifty Knaves'll Sheath 'er Duffer"
OK, I'm finally Finnished!
SnottyValGirl - August 11, 2010 - Report this comment While we are on the subject, Angelina Jolie is a woman who really knows her place. In case you can't figure that out for yourself, she pleases men and has babies.
Tommy Turtle - August 11, 2010 - Report this comment
2Eagle: Unless you're Bristol Palin, in which case I say, enough already! ... Otherwise, good advice. Thanks for v/c.

DonaDosOuevos: ... which doesn't bar having the female on top -- kinda enjoy that, here ... oops, TMI. And no anti-feminism intended, just that mutual support (mutual ego-stroking) feeds any relationship. Thanks for v/c.

Paw'd Simon: LOL @ the suggested title switch ... but, uh, Gafunkel had nuttin' to do with TOS; they'd long since split, despite occasional reunions. ... thanks for echoing the Scan(dalous)dinavian play!

Snotty ValGirl: (sounds like 2Eagle, but not -- who else lives in the Valley? - San Fernando, not Jolly Green, that is.) Didn't see anything at that link that connects here, sorry. I thought AJ only *adopted* babies. Personally, I think she's nuts, while her father, with whom TT once had lunch, was a very nice guy.
          Can't say as how having babies always pleases men -- often, *not* -- and there was no "know your place" here; the advice to men in Vol. ! was to be equally as supportive as the advice here. Works both ways -- check the link in the intro.

I don't think that seducing BP away from JA while together on the set of "Mr. And Mrs. Smith" (*lousy* movie) fits in with the lines here about fidelity and not sleeping around. But thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment!
TT @ 2Eagle/SnottyValGal - August 11, 2010 - Report this comment
BUSTED! ... In the Information/Digital Age, there are no secrets, mwahaha! 2Eagle is the only writer who's posted cheezburger links @ TT parodies before... and 2E also a Valley Gal.
          Coincidence? I think not.... ;-D
Patrick - August 12, 2010 - Report this comment
I like creating new words, too. Where do I get one of those Poetic Licenses? And how much do they cost? I have a concealed carry handgun permit from New Hampshire. Only cost $20. But they just raised the price for non-resident to $100. Greed. Some day someone's going to go all the way with all 50 ways. We'll need a CD the size of a wheel cover.
Tommy Turtle - August 12, 2010 - Report this comment
Patrick: You get one by posting songs here, and they're free; the only cost is your imagination and wit.

Resident concealed carry permits in my state are $65, but they're reciprocally valid in about 30+ other states. Does your own state not issue them? (Missouri, IIRC). ... They *do* have some costs in processing, including the complete criminal history and fingerprint check, etc., so the fees aren't that unreasonable. And it's harder for a State to check on a non-resident. (Gotta communicate with their state of residence, etc., for things that might not have gone into the NCIC or other Fed database.)

I suppose I could do 50 names some day if both genders were included, but this one isn't drawing all that much of a response so far, even among the tributed.. DK that version. Do you have a link? ... Thanks for v/c.
Meriadoc - September 12, 2012 - Report this comment
A great companion piece to your original advice, and appreciate being mentioned. I wish I had not been so out of the loop the last few years - there is so much good stuff I missed. Must disagree with the last two lines of the bridge though, remember the words of the late Sippy Wallace: "Women, be wise - don't advertise your man!" ;)
Peregrin - September 13, 2012 - Report this comment
TT: What? From here?????
Tommy Turtle - September 13, 2012 - Report this comment
Meriadoc: Point duly noted. How about just not bad-mouthing him to your gfs? ... Thanks for the kind comment, and glad you finally saw your shout-out.

Peregrin: I thought you visited the US on occasion? ;)
Truth: This was written two years ago, almost to the day. (Theme from "Outer Limts" plays.) I. e., long before we started corresponding privately, and from the AU-hosted web site, inferred that Merry, too, was in AU. (rhymes!)
  "Inferred" sounds so much better than "assumed", and avoids the clich√© response about assuming. Possible put-down: "When I infer, I make an "in" of "her" (In- [of]-fer) and me." ... sheesh, that was bad.

btw, have you never heard of phone s*x? lol ... and I hear that there's this marvelous thing out there now, the Intercoursenet or something.... I tried cyber6 once, but kept having to wipe off the screen. ;-D Thanks for read and "long(distance)-ing" comment!
Tommy Turtle P.S. @ Peregrin - September 13, 2012 - Report this comment
Just checked -- at Vol.. I of this duo (linked in the intro), didn't you say that you could indeed follow the suggestions from both Merry and TT? ;-D
Peregrin - September 14, 2012 - Report this comment
TT: To assume makes an ass out of u and me. I Ass-eweme you have heard that one. Phone s*x sux, to old for that carry-on, I am from the days when holding a bakerlite phone for too long wore one out. Combining the two could be fatal. Let's put it another way - actions speak louder than words, and that's the way it should be. As for visiting there (the US), well, once! And that seems so long ago now...

As for the second comment, but of course I could. Could do it with my eyes shut ha ha.
Tommy Turtle - September 14, 2012 - Report this comment
@ Peregrin: Exactly the cliche I was trying to avoid, thank you. :P .... ;-D

The "lol"s and winks were attempts to convey facetiousness in the comment. I seem to be doing poorly at conveying that. I'll add the actual word in the future. : grin:

As for your being unable to take care of poor Merry, well, what are friends for? So, with your permission, good Sir .... (FACETIOUS)

btw, "facetiously" is one of only two (common) words in the English language that contains all six vowels in the same order in which they appear in the alphabet. Do you K the other? ... Stu grumbled that TT "beat him to it" in using the other one in a parody .

@ Meriadoc: One of the reasons for the not-so-shameless plug was that I saw that you had not seen (or at least, not commented) on your shout-out, so I wanted you to see it, but not give away what I hope was a pleasant surprise. Hope that was OK.
Peregrin - September 14, 2012 - Report this comment
Yes. Yes I do! Now that i looked it up...
Meriadoc - September 15, 2012 - Report this comment
Ah - indecent proposals - music to my ears...

Oh crap! I read facetious as lascivious...
Tommy Turtle - September 15, 2012 - Report this comment
@ Peregrin: CHEATER!

@ Meriadoc: Wow, have you come to the right place... and TT tends to read the racy into the reality regularly. (also alliterates alot).
  Music to your ears? Here is your indecent proposal:

(rarely quote "security code" coincidences, but "PM2"? Pippin/Meriadoc 2 great writers! ;)

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