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Song Parodies -> "Nifty Ways To Please Your Lover"

Original Song Title:

"50 Ways To Leave Your Lover"

Original Performer:

Paul Simon

Parody Song Title:

"Nifty Ways To Please Your Lover"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

Is the title spelled, "50..." or "Fifty..."? Archives here are divided about 50/fifty (stop it, T, you're killing me!), but if you look at the actual album cover, or a pic of it (Wikipedia has one), it's clearly "50". Hope that settles it once and for all, though it probably won't.

Never done TOS before, as I don't much care to listen to it. But got a flash(back) of "delayed inspiration" a week or two after reading Guy DiRito's hilarious spin. .. Oh, and another way to please your lover is in fact "delayed inspiration", except sub another word that ends in "-ation" for the second word. ;) ... Done to this OS video.

No problem; she lies beside in bed so readily
De-pants her? It's easy, if you "make it" lovingly
You liked her yelps of pleasure; snuggle after spree
To score, there's ... scores of ways to please your lover

She's red and ready; doffs her habit, getting nude
Not a wh*re, so no demeaning words; they'll cost you getting scr*wed
Be quite discreet; don't tell; do be frisky, but not crude
Perhaps some ... nifty ways to tease your lover
Shifting ways, to please your lover

You just hop on her back, Jack
Hit her G-spot, Scott'
A love-smack on her bun, 'Won
And get her pelt free
Down on her quim, Tim
Do the deed in the dark, Mark
Just climb right upon, John
Men, listen to T.

Ooh, fondle her thigh, Guy
Kiss on the "cat", Matt(hias)
Just be good with your hand, And(y)
And you'll see she'll say, "¡Sì!" [1]
Give her a nudge, 'Kludge [2]
(But don't go for the fudge, 'Kludge!)
A long, hairy horn, Warr'n
Pay heed to TT

Sometimes you'll please her to inflict a *little* pain
Or maybe she's ... a Domme to you and loves to hold the rein
Just have a ... li'l fantasy chat, and get her to explain
Her many fav'rite ways

Give head in bed when you go sleep with her tonight
And when you leave in the morning, "Thanks, again! Fantastic, quite!"
And then you kiss her, her dreams realized, and hug and hold her tight [3]
I say there's .... tons of ways to please your lover
Poorest way: disease your lover

You just plant a soft kiss, Kris
Do something new, Stu
(Go and turn upside down, clown!)
(Seems you are, to me) [4]
OHHH! ... On knee, T-JC, see?
Just leave *her* in a daze, Blaze
She'll be your love-slave, Dave!
And get her, pelf-free

Be nice to gal, al
Know where to lick, Rick
Take your time ere you splat, Pat
She will glisten with glee
Do an ad-lib, 'Rib
Go invent a new thrill, Phil
Give *her* the best sex, Rex
FG, "come" with T. [5]

[1] Spanish for "yes"

[2] Using the intuitive and original (Scottish-derived) pronunciation, before it morphed into rhyming with "huge", which was based on a different word, "kluge".

[3] Remember, guys, even though you've scored, you still need to put the extra point on the board.

[4] Rather rotten reference to residence of Stu in "The Land Down Under", i. e. Australia.

[5] Having self-identified as a schoolteacher, Fiddlegirl is no doubt on a summer vacation, perhaps in Bora Bora, or as far away as it's possible to be from American schoolchildren. Well, when summer's over, maybe the partnership will "fall" back into place, so to speak. ;-)

Tried to get in most of my more-or-less regular male readers over the years and recently. Apologies to those who were missed, but there are only so many lines. ... DK any reader named "Scott", and I kinda owe Mark the double-plug (or something) for my having been a bit brusque a bit back.

© 2010 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.9
How Funny: 4.9
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 17

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   16

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Christie Marie M - July 14, 2010 - Report this comment
Great job as always, TT. Got some great inspirational names of AIR coming out of your shell! Also great how Guy inspired you to write this OS of a parody. (singing): "Give T. some 5's, Clive!"..."Take it to the extreme, Gene" (Sorry but it's the only name I could find that sounds the same).
Patrick - July 14, 2010 - Report this comment
Thanks for the mention, I think. I'm still looking for the original full-length Paul Simon 45 with all 50 ways. It's the size of a manhole cover, so I'm not sure where I'm going to display it. Off topic, but maybe someone out there will know the answer. Did Carole King ever produce a version of the famous "Tapestry" LP with an extra instrumental track. I'm sure I saw one once, but foolishly failed to buy it.
Guy - July 14, 2010 - Report this comment
TT - I had no idea that my "50" inspired you so. Thanks for the accolades. I like how you got a lot of the writers into it. One you overlooked could have been:

No flags at half staff, Spaff.

Oh well it was just a thought. You couldn't get them all in there, but you just had to have me in there didn't you. Why didn't you use Spaff instead. =;-) And that 50/fifty in the top comments made me LOL.

I noticed that you kept to mr. rhodes writing style by using his name in lower case only. I'm sure he'd appreciate that if he'd ever get his butt back on the site. There must be 555 ways to vote this writing.
Handy P - July 14, 2010 - Report this comment
Now this one's a bit rude, dude
Dirty old homme, Tom
You're too old for a flirt, Turt(le)
Just grip yourself, T

LOL & fudge 'Kludge
Mark Scotti - July 14, 2010 - Report this comment
Should be the theme song to a movie about Masters & Johnson!!! Here's to 555 more ways...
Old Man Ribber - July 14, 2010 - Report this comment
Wonderful! You may be a turtle, but this suggests that you are also a Kama chameleon! ;D
UnKnownVotrix - July 14, 2010 - Report this comment
just the mention of our fellow ~Knights oParod~ makes this more real, if not a steal, SenorTaTa, ~The Duke oYelp~ ! !
Ways'ward Turtlephile - July 14, 2010 - Report this comment
Well, you've certainly found 50 weighs-to-lift *my* spirits! Wonderfully funny n' perfectly formed slabs of sly trib'ody, slathered with finely formed fraternal flattery--all wedged between delicious slices o' fuc'acio! Hopefully it'll be as much fun on the way outro as it was intro!
WarrenB - July 14, 2010 - Report this comment
Normally don't comment on or vote on, er, shall we say, er, well, um, lascivious lyrical material, but having seen my name pop up (hmmm, not sure if that's the wording I should use), had to say thanks for the shout out! The Paul Simon number is a nice choice.
Fiddlegirl - July 14, 2010 - Report this comment
Oh, B-r-OTH-er! ;) Full points for creativity and style, though, in finding 50 ways to love your lever... (And $5.55 for a book to help you find a new hobby.)
Ann Hannond - July 14, 2010 - Report this comment
he he he
Tommy Turtle - July 14, 2010 - Report this comment
EVERYONE: Sorry for arriving on site so late, but work ran waaay over, and just finished dinner a few minutes ago.

Christie Marie M: Thanks for the bliss, Chris!

Patrick: DK that there actually were 50 ways in the *truly* OS. Interesting! Thanks for that and for v/c.

Guy: No offense to Spaff, but of my almost 450 songs (including co-author credit), I remember him commenting only at *one*. No offense taken, but as said, first dibs went to the most loyal readers. ... Yes, I definitely wanted you in there, for your many kind v/c, and yes, I'd never have thought this up without your spin. .... have *always* honored alvin's choice, even when replying to his comments. I'm kinda worried -- emailed him a while back, and no response. Anyone know if he's OK, and just on a break? ... thanks again for v/c -- and for enjoying the intro tidbit. :)

Handy P: Gee, thanks, I love you too ;-O ... great reply, and thanks for fudging the comment!

Mark Scotti: Great idea! You sell it to Hollywood, you keep 10%! :-) Thanks for v/c, and yeah, with a little imagination, it never needs to grow stale!

Old Man Ribber: You may be an old man, but you sure can still get up a nice, stiff ... pun.... on cue! .. thanks for the nod to turtle's reptilian cousin, too!

UnKnownVotrix: Thanks.. will have to think of one for the ~Damsels oParod~ some day!

Ways'ward Turtlephile: Heh heh! ... thanks!

WarrenB: Was not aware of your tastes; sorry to have offended. You've just wiped out fifty percent -- I mean, 50% -- of TT's songs. Well, that's only fair, since he DK 100% of yours, I guess. :-D ... and, uh, how did you see your name erected in lights if you didn't click on the lascivious title, eh? WARNING: Thursday's title will be even lasciviouser, but go ahead, read it anyway: who knows what evil -- or good -- lurks in the pea-brain of the turtle? The Shadow knows! .. thanks for v/c-ing against your sensibilities.

Fiddlegirl: Ah, the caps of "BOTH" was a steganographic invitation to rejoin forces (and other things), eh? ROFLMAO at the spoonerism -- we should spoon more often! ... I do have another hobby that does not involve women -- well, *human* women -- and who knows, might be something on that later in the week. (or did you mean, a hobby other than parody?) Thanks for v/c-ing all the way from the South Pacific, and hope you weren't Bora-Bora'd by it. .... Just follow your id, Fid. ;-)

Ann Hammond: she she she, thanks!
Peter Andersson - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Those of us not getting in... no, wait, that came out wrong... those of us not in the song can still add suggestions for the up and coming... no, wait, I did it again... ehhh... for the future full 50 lines version... like... "Just give her your quarter of a meter, Peter"
Kristof Robertson - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Oooh, cheeky! Thanks for the shout out, TT.... though it kind of sucks that all I get to offer is a soft kiss, while Rex and Rick have much more fun! 555
Guy @ Patrick - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
About Carole King the answer is yes. She produced two CD's as you suggested that she may have and I have them both. They came together in the purchase. Why do you think that I often use that music for parody writing? IMHO I think Tapestry is her very best work.
Guy - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
TT - Now that you mention it I realize that Spaff only ocassionally comments at all. I thought for sure that Spaff commented more on your stuff. And you know, how you chose who to write about is your choice and I believe it is a very good one. And I hope you know I was only kidding about "including me out" of the parody. I am happy to have inspired you to do this and I had no idea that I did and I am greatful that you included me in the verses. No worries and thanks for explaining.
Patrick to Guy - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Thanks for the info. I recall seeing the LP with an extra track. This would have been circa 1971. I may be confusing what I think I heard with "Gathering Crowds", the theme from "This Week in Baseball" and the ABC Evening News pre-Barbara Walters. Looking for gems is what collecting is all about. Oh, by the way, the giant size disk with all "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" is just my idea of a joke.
AFW - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Appreciate the fifty niche...Rocket calibre parody, here...
Tommy Turtle - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Peter Andersson: If you have a quarter of a meter, I think you don't *need* any more publicity! ;) ... Would probably go with something like, "Be sweeter, Peter" ... or "repeater/repeat her," fete her - lots of possibilities. We hadn't crossed paths too much lately, so it wasn't in the pea-brain, but thanks for v/c. Will make sure you're in the next plug-fest that comes .... no, wait...

Kristof Robertson: That's just the *foreplay*! Once your soft kiss has her in the mood -- ball's in your court, so to speak... Thanks for v.c!

AFW: Thanks for v/c -- ready to "blast off" yet? ;-)
TT P. S. @ KR - July 15, 2010 - Report this comment
"Come and shoot all your jiss, Kris" ... but as you said, rather cheeky already, and one hates to push one's luck (or the site admin) ;-D
Belle (adagio) - July 16, 2010 - Report this comment
Weeelll.....I know where alvin is and what he is doing, but he is just fine and ,TT, I'll tell him that you have asked about him. He's weird, too...hehe lolol
belle - July 16, 2010 - Report this comment
Oops....u did a teehee job, TT 5's
Tommy Turtle - July 16, 2010 - Report this comment
Belle (adagio): Thanks for the reassurance on alvin -- but what's this "too" stuff, huh? (Hmpph! :-D ) ... Weeeelllll, thanks for the v/c anyway!
belle - July 16, 2010 - Report this comment
oops..(.hands over mouth) btw...might have one ready soon, not much inspiration..
Jonathan S. - July 27, 2010 - Report this comment
As with Warren, I usually don't read the more sultry stuff - but I figured as long as I'm familiar with this tune (and more or less know the pacing by heart), I might as well take a quick look.
I must say, you did a good job with all those lines mentioning all those other writers. That was nice lyricwork! 555
Tommy Turtle - July 28, 2010 - Report this comment
Jonathan S.: I'm aware that the racy stuff has a more limited audience (but appeals *more* to some, LOL), so no problem. Thanks for v/c, and again, was kind of limited on number of writers, and you and I hadn't crossed paths a lot lately. Will try to get you into the next mass-plug, and thanks for kind words on the words!
Patrick - July 08, 2011 - Report this comment
Just noticed how many other readers express reservations about "racy" material. I thought I was unique in that regard. Some I find repugnant, some hilarious. Hard to predict in advance which it will be, and can't really explain afterward. Same goes for music in general.
Tommy Turtle - July 09, 2011 - Report this comment
Patrick: And yet, despite all these protestations, "racy" songs have very consistently comprised seven or eight of TT's top ten page hitters, at any given moment, for the past five years.

For about 4 1/2 years, the undisputed #1 was about, of all things, feminine hygiene. Then it was mysteriously replaced some time this year with a parody of Shakespeare's famous "Hamlet" soliloquy. Which means there could be hope for humanity after all -- but overall, the racy ones get the most page hits over time. Thanks for stopping by.
Peregrin - August 14, 2012 - Report this comment
Awww, I was out of the limelight at the wrong time so far as this was concerned! What line may you have come up with?
Meriadoc - August 14, 2012 - Report this comment
"Just diddle her hair, Per"
Tommy Turtle - August 15, 2012 - Report this comment
Peregrin: Indeed -- my luck in most of life: Never in the right place at the right time. But isn't the homage at the end of "My Fair Fiddlegirl" worth a hundred of these one-liners? ;)

Meriadoc: That would work, although cf. complaints of "racy". First to come (to mind, of course), using the writing name, not the comment name: "Sip tip of the nip, Pip" (love those internal rhymes! ;)

Thanks to both for "coming" by -- a rare double-header of a pleasure! ;-D
Peregrin - August 15, 2012 - Report this comment
Thanks for your joint suggestion Meri-Turt. I think I shall do both!
Tommy Turtle - August 15, 2012 - Report this comment
Peregrin: An agile fellow you are! I can't crawl and chew gum at the same time ... ;-(

OTOH, there was a *brief* mention of using one's ambidexterity to pleasure one's partner in, uh, two "zones" at once, in

"Each Hand Is Very Able; I Am Almost Ambidexterous"

Fiddlegirl (of all people!) expressed concern that the entire parody might be about same, or about pleasuring oneself, I think. (Gasp! Why would she think I would write like that?! ;-D ) Betrayed by one's own partner... (sniff)

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