The tabloids are screaming and the fans are howling
Like mad here in Hollywoodland
There's a man in the kitchen with a Dutch apple pie
And a fork gleaming in his hand

There's gossip in the air and there's pictures everywhere
Of a Mel that's lookin' like a freak
Oh, but here in the kitchen where the muffins are rising
With a layer of butter, oh boy
Drownin' in butter
He was eating enough for a week

Oh bacon, you're so tasty when you're brown and curled
So juicy, crisp, and lean
It's gastronomy bliss when pastrami and swiss
Aim for my teeth and fly between

Cause I gotta pig out
I gotta break out the chow
Forget the vultures on my lawn
Yeah, I gotta get this roast down before I remember
That it's over for me
Up on the movie screen

It's a fat-out for Mel
I'll be big as a ferry boat
Till the meal is over
In this fat-out for Mel I will bloat, bloat, bloat

It's a fat-out for Mel
Gonna eat like a starving goat
But when the meal is over
And my gut hangs down
My butt bursts through my pants
Then I'll get thinner, make Mad Max four through seven
And come crawling back to my fans

I'm stayin' off the highway, now I'm callin' a cab
When I'm loaded on jungle juice
When my temper is hot and I'm google-eyed angry
I'll think happy thoughts about the Jews

Eatin' onion rings and some buffalo wings
Anything to cut me some slack
I'm stuffin' dinner rolls
I'm stuffin' doughnut holes
I'm bitin' what don't bite me back

And I know that a ham is the easy way out
And maybe some Spam in a pinch
Just to get me on my feet to get out of my house
You know they'll need a hydraulic winch

Well, if it's gotta be Spam, you know I'll settle for Spam
Chompin' through a case or two
If it's gotta be Spam, you know I don't give a damn
Gotta be Spam, you know I'll settle for Spam
Gotta be Spam, you know I don't give a damn
Chompin' through a case
Stuff it in my face
Chompin' through a case or two

Oh bacon, you're so pretty, you're my Golden Girl
You're curvy, shapely, and hot
Culinary delight, each and every bite
You're always gonna hit the spot

And I gotta grub out
I gotta make with the chow
Forget that CNN is on
Yeah, I gotta get this roast down before I remember
It's more over for me
Than even Charlie Sheen

It's a fat-out for Mel
And the world is my dinner plate
Till the meal is over
In this fat-out for Mel I'll inflate, flate, flate

It's a fat-out for Mel
Gonna grossly increase my weight
But when the meal is over
And my manboobs swell
And lard flows through my glands
Then after dinner I'll make another "Passion"
And come crawling back to my fans

I can see myself filling up the screen
Fatter than even Orson Welles when fully nude
With an image fix, that'll do the trick
I'll hang out with Hassidic dudes

I've got a comeback to make
But I can't stop thinking of food
And I'll never feed this glutton urge without a full buffet
And I'll never feed this glutton urge without a full buffet

So I'm downing the contents of the menu at Burger King
Double-fisted at the foot of a burnin' grill
And I think somebody somewhere must be roasting a pig
And the last thing it sees is my mouth
Still eating
Oh, take me into the potty
And then run away
It's a fat-out for Mel

Now I'm cleanin' out an Arby's with a pitcher of horsey sauce
Corn and biscuits and a boar on a flaming spike
And I think somebody somewhere's closin' down Taco Bell
And I'm thinkin' that someone is me
Still eating
Still eating
Oh, take me into the potty and then run away
From the fat-out for Mel
From the fat-out for Mel
From the fat-out for Mel
From the fat-out for Mel
From the fat-out for Mel