I went golfing one day
with the Author John J.
I was still on the fairway in "7"

I did not play too well
In fact I stunk like hell
Was the worst that I ever had played, sure

Ooh, ooh my ball lies on the fairway in "7"
And then John said "Hey, Paul,
you're not really that poor
'Cause your swing has some factors redeeming
Off the tee you don't hook
If you lengthen your swing
perhaps some of your shots will gain distance"

Oohhh, and it makes me mutter
Oohhh, bad oaths were uttered

I was getting upset
my golf game was a mess
From the fairway deep divots I'm leaving
All my shots from the tees
barely rose above my knees
I tried hard not to do any sulking

Oohhh, I can't use my putter
Oohhh, all my shots grass-cutters

And I whiffed on a few
your score that sure will ruin
when you're still on the fairway in "7"

There were some par threes where in "two" shots I reached the green
That was a cause for me rejoicing
And later somehow I canned a long putt
but my game still sucked
I played just terribly the whole round

Oohhh, bad oaths I uttered
I played so crumby that my ego
began to sink low
My mind set was becoming quite grim
Then later right around the 8th hole
I started to moan
Dehydration had begun to set in

So while the others made the turn
For fluids I began to yearn
Drank lots of Gatorade; real cold
And on the back nine; could not go
I ate a burger; made me full
And after that stayed in the cart
I felt much better very fast
When we were done I was relaxed
My round did suck, I had to fold

Every fairway; was lying in "7"