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Song Parodies -> "Grape Man"

Original Song Title:


Original Performer:


Parody Song Title:

"Grape Man"

Parody Written by:

John A. Barry

The Lyrics

I drink" I'm sommelier-fated*
'Cause I'm sippin' dry white wine, a good appellation.+
But all around me everybody's multi 'bibing,
Ill. I'm talking like a wine man.
They don't know better than not to slam it down too fast;
Don't gauge it, and they spew, man.
I repair to the bower at this chic winery;
I am a grape man.

I think Bordeaux's overrated; White Zinfandel's despised;
I sip and spit--there's no gustation.
A phyloxera** infestation means vegetation dissuasion:
It negates bee pollination.

The grapes aren't safe when sharpshooters++ bore.
It will make me cry if brew (beer) I must pour;
You'll hear me wail away if I swill a Coors.
My fate's as a grape man.

I'm a grape man, I'm a grape, grape man, I'm a grape man.
I'm no drink-grog man, I'm a grape, grape man
I'm a grape man.

'Cause compared to the tuns where they make ale, dry,
A barrel's the apple of my eye.
So it's rare that with booze myself I will ply.
I am a grape man.

In grapes' evolution, we have created the Chablis
And the molto-tannin tongue-thrill. . .butts.***
Give me half carafe that's tanked up with a fine Rhône clone,
Sipped with cheeses that crumble.
'Cause the only time that I'll eat a cheese
Is with nectar produced from those vinous trees
On which grow grapes like breasts I sees. . .
Antitpodal [sic]+++ nape man.

I'm a gape man, I'm a gape, gape man, I'm no nape man.
Wink at pink knobs man, I'm a view-two man,
Gaping grape man.

I look through a window. What do I spy? A thigh.
Glom a paired protrusion, twins bobbin' up high, eyed.
When I've spied round red nippers, retitnas [sic] thrive;
I gape like an ape, man.

When they're busty, see me gape at girls.
Amid the must**** in Napa, juice of grapes I swirl.

I'm a grape man, I'm a grape, gape man, I'm a grape man.
I'm a drink/knobs man, I'm a gape, grape man
I'm a gape man.

Fined yeasts and tartrates;++++ two liters drain,
But double vision then becomes my bane:
I see four bazongas, no longer a twain--
Bust-gaping grape man.

I'm a gape man, I'm a gape, gape man, I'm a gape man.
I'm no drink-grog man, I'm a view-two man,
Gaping grape man.

I don't feel; gape through a girl's chador;*****
I soak up the wine; then a boob-seer chore.
I'll be in jail one day if I gaze much more--
Man-grapes eyed by gape man.

* sommelier: wine steward
+ French method of designating a wine's region, type of grapes used, and quality; short for appellation contrôlée (French pronunciation, with 4 syllables)
** plant lice that attack leaves and roots of grapevines
++ The glassy-winged sharpshooter (GWSS, Homalodisca coagulata) is an insect that causes Pierce's disease in grapevines
*** large casks
+++ intentional misspelling of antipodal, diametrically opposite
**** unfermented grape juice
++++ tartaric acid and potassium hydrogen tartrate are two of the principal acids in wine
***** long dress with veil

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 3

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   3

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

alvin rhodes - June 22, 2006 - Report this comment
my favorite of the day
Lionel Mertens - June 23, 2006 - Report this comment
I'm glad this wasn't about hemmorroids. 5's
Stuart McArthur - June 23, 2006 - Report this comment
out there and loony JB - would not have guessed the OS was this long - liked the "retitnas [sic]" and all the other grape-wine wordplay - 555

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