On a warm summer's evening
On a train bound for nowhere
I met up with a flusher
We were both too tired to sleep
So we took turns a-staring
At the restroom at the darkness
The boredom overtook us
And he began to speak

He said, "Son, I've made a life
Out of reading people's feces
And knowing how their poop looked
By the way they held their eyes.
So if you don't mind my saying
I can see you're out of bungwipe
For a taste of your Pepsi
I'll give you some advice."

So I handed him my bottle
And he drank down my last swallow
Then he bummed a Reeses piece
And asked me for a mint
And the night got deathly quiet
And his face lost all expression
Said, "If you're gonna flush the loo, boy,
You gotta learn to flush it right.

You got to know when to flush 'em,
Know when to plunge 'em,
Know when to walk away,
And know when to run.
You never sort your bungwipe
When you're sitting on the loud chair.
There'll be time enough for sorting
When the flushing's done.

Every flusher knows
That the secret to having dry feet
Is knowing what to flush away
And knowing what to keep.
'Cause every loo's a winner,
And every loo's a loser,
And the best that you can hope for
Is to flood in the deep."

And when he finished speaking
He turned back toward the restroom
Spit out his breath mint
And faded off to sleep
And somewhere in the darkness
The flusher he broke even
And in his final words
I found TP that I could keep

You got to know when to flush 'em,
Know when to plunge 'em,
Know when to walk away,
And know when to run.
You never sort your bungwipe
When you're sitting on the loud chair
There'll be time enough for sorting
When the flushing's done

You've got to know when to flush 'em
(When to flush 'em)
Know when to plunge 'em
(When to plunge 'em)
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never sort your bungwipe
When you're sitting on the loud chair
There'll be time enough for sorting
When the flushing's done

You got to know when to flush 'em
Know when to plunge 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never sort your bungwipe
When you're sitting on the loud chair
There'll be time enough for sorting
When the flushing's done