Oh no, what's this I'm seein'?
The worst customer out there
We all call him The Sampler
And why is easy to see
You never see him buyin'
Any of our useful products
No, ev'ry day, he walks up
And he begins his speech
He says "You there, I would like
To peruse your tray of nibbles
To see what they'd be good for
And I'm gonna take a-a while
I guess you could call me picky
Honestly, that hurts a little
Now your tray's somehow empty
The fault is yours, not mine"

Oh, it's yours, you greedy moron
Cause the sign says "One Per Person"
But you just plain ignored it
Then ate them all quick-like
Yes, of course we friggin' mind it
Love how my manager put it
Said "If you don't buy food today, sir
You can kiss your free samples bye"

You'd think we'd know not to let 'im
Eat all the samples
But ev'ry single day
He eats a whole bunch
Might work out how much money
He's cost us by eatin' nibbles
From small drinks to ti-iny brownies
I'll bet i-it's a ton

When the samples go
Down his gullet, he starts whingin'
That all of them have gone away
Forgettin' his feast
He's not much of a sinner
He's yet to punch a cashier
But the way that he whines for more
Of the tiny-ass treats
It keeps all of us wishin'
That our front doors weren't auto
Then we could slam shut them
When we look and see
The Sampler walkin' t'wards us
But we should all sto-op dreamin'
And see if we can work out how
To deter this food creep

First thought we had was to ban 'im
Cause we can't stand 'im
Forgot last Saturday
We tried, was a dud
Because he knew to focus
On the new employees, bastard
By the time he wa-as discovered
He had ha-ad his lunch
Somebody had offered poison (offered poi-oison)
Had to refuse 'im (must refu-use hi-i-im)
Can't poison one square, nay
Cause he would catch on
When we'd push that one brownie
And the whole lot can't be poisoned
Cause then no-one e-else can try 'em
And that wou-ould be dumb
Post guards? He'd worm his way past 'em
We can't deny 'im
Cause then he'd swear away
And make such a fuss
His shtick is real annoyin'
It seems none of us are able
To think of how we-e can stop 'im
Steve, put do-own that gun