On a warm summer's evenin'
With a brain crowned in snow-hair
I met up with the old fart
We were both too tired to pee
So we stood there a-strainin'
At the ur'nals in the men's room
'Til our prostates relented
And we began to leak

He said, "Son, I've made my wife doubt,
Love-makin' still awaits us,
And knowin' that my hardness,
Died away ain't swell or nice.
And if you don't mind me sayin',
I can see you're also mate-less,
For a plate of your Friskies™, I'll give you some advice."

So I handed him my cat's food
And he ate my kittie's kibble
Then he hummed a minuet
And blasphemed forty times
And the men's room got so quiet
I could hear his indigestion
Said, "If you're gonna lay the dame, boy, ya gotta learn to stay up-right.

"You got to know when you're golden
Know when you're olden
Know when to stop and say -
Old men, you're one!
You never mount your honey
When your stiffy's slack as cable
There'll be time enough for mountin'
When Levitra's™ done

"Ev'ry old fart knows
That the secret to up-risin'
Is takin' what the doctor says
Will grow an' stoke your steam
'Cause ev'ry gland's a dripper,
And ev'ry gland's an oozer,
And the best that you can hope for,
Is a dried-up wet dream."

And when he'd finished speakin'
He turned back towards the ur'nal
Picked out a cigarette
That tasted of new pee
And somehow got it lighted
And then he smoked it wheezin'
But from that wise ol' nerd I found the way to my wood tree

You got to know when you're golden
Know when you're olden
Know when to stop and say -
Old men, you're one!
You never mount your honey
When your stiffy's slack as cable
There'll be time enough for mountin'
When Levitra's™ done