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Song Parodies -> "Crazy ass battle droid, lasers my hemorrhoids"

Original Song Title:

"Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes"

Original Performer:

Jimmy Buffett

Parody Song Title:

"Crazy ass battle droid, lasers my hemorrhoids"

Parody Written by:

Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd

The Lyrics

This parody song is a piece of Star Wars fanfic. The title (which I couldn't resist) is not quite representative, because it's actually kind of a sad love story where our protagonist stormtrooper/Romeo goes AWOL with his beloved android/Juliet during some kerfuffle aboard a Death Star, but it turns out in the dark he heisted the wrong droid.

A YouTube version of the original song can currently be found here.
We took off from our Death Star one night
Darth Vader would choke us I feared
Pay was a shoestring, we crammed an old x-wing
And then we just both disappeared
I'd fell in love but the dark light was on
I'd been horny and I misjudged my bride
I thought she's the one, but when she was turned on
I just had to stand down for the night

I ran off with a battle droid, thought she was android
All-purpose sexbots I blame
I forced back my cursing, cos there's no reversing
If I couldn't please her I'd go down in flames

No more a-marching around in old spaceports
Mos Eisley was the worst that I'd been
Seeking assistance to hide out much better
Forced me to go back there again
At some moisture farm we stayed and laid low
Cos I couldn't jab well with the Hutts
They sent a Rancor, but my lady spanked her
She wheeled in, and man she kicked butt!

I'm in love with my battle droid, she can have me destroyed
I am a robowhipped man
Our love was sure unplanned, but now with her helping hands
To stay on the ground's my retirement plan

We're raiding the Tuskens for contraband moonshine
Their breath kinda smells like methane
Lightyears away from the Gungans and Bothans
So we trade with the Jawas instead
We're free in the eye of beholders
And this now is where we belong
There's two moons in the sky, and from sand rot I'll die
With my clone trooper warranty gone

Now my crazy ass battle droid, lasers my hemorrhoids
Old age is changing some things
Since I started squeaking and I started leaking
She's keeping me up with her med-kit syringe
My aim is so bad that I'm missing the ring
Sarlacc Pit Hospice feels no longer fringe

© Peter Andersson. (This one was for the current round of ONE WEEK NOTICE challenge, this time hosted again by Matthias. You too can be a host and help us save Amiright, or for starters simply join a round for your own fun - details are to be found under "Amiright Events" on the front page).

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.1
How Funny: 4.1
Overall Rating: 4.1

Total Votes: 16

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   2
 2   1
 3   1
 4   2
 5   10

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Matthias - May 25, 2018 - Report this comment
This song was out of this world! Great timing with “Solo” being released in theaters today I believe. Lots of great jokes and name drops throughout this entire song. I think that this project is great practice for you because each week you seem to be getting funnier and funnier!
Agrimorfee - May 25, 2018 - Report this comment
Some deep SW universe stuff here, especially good because you didn't make it too trite and simple. This was like a Han Solo parallel universe story about would have happened if he never found Chewie. (I guess you might have been inspired by my Buffett "Nerfherder" parody. The farce is strong with this one! 555
Onslaught - May 25, 2018 - Report this comment
I didn’t see this advertised on the front page. Did I miss something or not know where to look? 555, BTW.
@Onslaught - May 25, 2018 - Report this comment
I do notice that that this week's One Week Notice did not get listed in the Amiright events section. As Peter, myself and Matthias have been the only consistent partticipants, it is sadly understandable the One Week Notice would get, er, unnoticed. Tune in next week, the next host I hope will not forget!
Peter Andersson - May 25, 2018 - Report this comment
Sometimes there's a delay between various sections updates because they have different mods. Other times it's human error on the other side. Shi*t happens. We'll be back at normal front page routines next week I hope. If you want to make sure to never miss an OWN or a Reunion Project etc you can also follow the boards here:
Onslaught - May 26, 2018 - Report this comment
Thanks, I just didn’t know if it was me.
Peter Andersson's slow brain - May 26, 2018 - Report this comment
Kudos to Agrimorfee for the funny comment I did'nt get until second read - yes, it became a One Week Unnotice! :-)
Rob Arndt - May 26, 2018 - Report this comment
Good job, so 555! But please tell AG to get real. I'm the true Warsie here. The meager 10 SW refs you made here are not deep at all. AG seems to really know nothing of the SW universe except simple refs from a few of the movies. He would be destroyed on any deep SW online fan site. Warsies not only can cite the canon and non-canon info, but can spot all the cookies in the movies and tell you of every error. I just saw "Solo" and could tell you more than the 6 cookies they found. I spotted 15 myself. Also, that movie is timed back to the origin of the Resistance. FYI guys! Btw, YES, Darth Maul DID survive being cut in half! And Mandalore armor is seen in the background (look for it). . Also, the boycott of the SJW Disney themed movie is working. It's only made $40 mil domestic Thursday-Friday which is pathetic and dismal. Even if Memorial Day does well, domestic is projected at roughly $115 mil instead of over $250 mil earlier projection and no one believes this will hit the $700 mil total domestic to be profitable. It cost $250 mil to make with Ron Howard and all the reshoots. The film is SJW all the way. Landon is turned into a Pansexual, the film is top heavy with women and minorities, a Droid fights for Droid rights in the film, and the Empire ground battle scenes are German infantry WW1 trench shots. Han's famous blaster has also been taken off the movie posters with Anti-gun marketing! I saw this once. That's it for me.
Rob Arndt - May 26, 2018 - Report this comment
* Lando (damn Spellchecker)!
Peter Andersson - May 27, 2018 - Report this comment
@ Agrimorfee: Hey AG, Rob wants me to tell you to get real about science fiction! ;-)

@ Rob: I'll happily keep my own level of SW knowledge just a few inches deeper than household kitchen for parody mix bowl purposes. I'm sure your level makes you a blast for movie date night. Most Hollywood sagas of heroism have plot holes the size of planets. Thank Gawd! How else would we find that extra force to make parody of them here at our own hardcore forum Amiright? As for Star Wars canon I do have one layman/layfan gripe though - I can’t stop wondering why, for about ten human life years after the events in The Phantom Menace, no-one on the Jedi Council thought of taking the just a few days long trip back to Tatooine to BUY Anakin’s mother Shmi Skywalker out of slavery. It wasn’t as if Watto was loaded with moolah and would have been able to resist a generous offer (or the threat of a light saber colonoscopy). No, instead they left little Anakin, a kid they knew from day one was a few gyros short of a restored balance, to a fumbling mentor himself trained by the only Jedi in a thousand years to lose a man-to-man combat with a Sith, and what they regarded as a suitable upbringing just within spitting distance from the best and worst among the warmonging pros and cons in the Galaxy Senate! No wonder he ended up as a Dark Side gangbanger doing Death Star drive-bys.

Do the Warsies have any explanation for that?
Rob Arndt - May 27, 2018 - Report this comment
Shmi Skywalker Lars!!! Jinn's obsession over the supposed force-balancing "Chosen One" was felt by the Jedi Council to be dangerous. The boy held a bad attachment to his mother and was considered too fearful to start Jedi training. Fear leads directly to the Dark Side. She was sold in time to Cliegg Lars who had a moisture farm and was safe enough until the Tusken Raiders abducted her during the beginning of the Sepetatist Crisis. Jinn was wrong to want the boy to destroy the Sith. Now, we learn from TLI that the Force controls the balance itself. In other words, Anakin needed to suffer to become Dark and balance the Light. The Separatist movement against the Empire threatened an imbalance. Jinn himself was considered unreliable and unstable by the Jedi Council which didn't help. He too was reckless with the Force. But that's yet another story!
AG @Rob - May 27, 2018 - Report this comment
My entire point is that Peter wrote something a little more beyond than the average SW cute parody would be,,,which is likely all I can ever do, and all I really care to do. There is no need to piss all over people at their lack of knowledge of something, particularly if it's something that they really don't give a damn about. Ok, you know a lot about SW, we get it. Move on.
Rob Arndt - May 27, 2018 - Report this comment
My apologies AG... I hope you and Peter see "Solo" and can understand it, spot the cookies and cameos, and see some mistakes. It's getting harder even for hardcore fans because Disney and Kathleen Kennedy want to warp the SW universe with diversity, gender neutrality, feminism, and all- inclusiveness which is NOT what Lucas imagined or intended with the sci-fi franchise. The old SW is dead. The new trilogy and Rogue Adventures are politicized to death. I won't be surprised if they kill off the last original characters in Episode IX. It's gotten that bad. Lando's character is also now ruined. Sex has no place in a SW story. So sad.
@Rob - May 27, 2018 - Report this comment
Apologies accepted.
Peter Andersson - May 27, 2018 - Report this comment
I went to see "Solo" Sunday evening and quite enjoyed it, including how they're setting things up for the possible sequel Solo 2, or more likely future reusing of all the surviving figures in the inevitable Bounty Hunter Boba Fett movie. No big gripes. A certain baddie shouldn't be there in the last scene for time line reasons, but then again maybe it's just a look-a-like or a clone or a twin brother or something. L3's femirobotism was a bit over the top (I'd probably would have worked a reference into my parody above had I known) but just like the most promiscuous girl in any old fashion slasher movie she had to bite the dust, so both sides of the political spectrum in the west could be happy with that/her in their own way. The "tunnel down to the planet" was a total "Star Trek Insurrection" rip-off (OK, that one bugged me a bit, but then again Insurrection's so despised it's like it's almost not ST canon anyway). Woody Harrelson puts in one helluva performance, credit to where credit's due and SW has this tradion of putting aging actors you'd not expect to see in sci-fi in more or less load bearing roles - glad to see they succeeded with that once again! Let's end on that happy note! :-)
Rob Arndt - May 28, 2018 - Report this comment
Good for you spotting the timeline error with Han AND Darth Maul (yes, that WAS him in the end). Did you notice the female dominance with Qi'ra and the female marauder and her disenfranchised tribe that are part of the beginning of the Resistance? Lando got screwed for having sex with L3-37, which should not even be in a family movie at all. Droid rights was also absurd. But at least we know how Han got his last name and why C3PO couldn't quite understand the Falcon's language or why Han said "Hear me Baby, hold together!" She is part of the entire ship now. We also got to see the original single defense gun, the flat parabolic array dish, and escape capsule although the landing scene and poor CGI lessened the impact. The 12 parsec routine also was not as glorious as promised and Han winning the sabaac game at the end with Lando's hidden card was also anticlimactic. Lady Proxima was short lived as was Han's demoted Infantry soldier status. Liked Drydens powerblades similar to Praetorian Guard weapons and did you spot the Mandalore armor in the background of his collection? There was mention of Bossk and tatooine crime family (the Hutts). Beckett also mentioned killing Aurra Sing, a female bounty Hunter seen on a cliff during the pod races in TPM. The sabaac golden dice good luck charm, Han saying "I feel good about this" instead of bad, and Chewie already knowing how to pilot the YT-1300 (along with the smuggling holds) because he was 196 years old all added to the fun. I gave it 3 out of 5 stars. If it wasn't politicized it would have been much better. Beckett giving him his famous Blastech DL-44 ( a Mauser C96 mod) was great too. I got a free mini poster with it intact, pre-marketing Anti-gun! Btw, Alden was signed for 3 Solo movies. He will encounter both Fett and Vader as well as another non-clone Mandalore, Rova Feret if they stick to more non-canon events. Episode IX is next. It starts filming in July. Hamill is fighting Disney to not appear as a force ghost.
Peter Andersson - May 28, 2018 - Report this comment
I don't remember the name Maul being mentioned, and with a franchise already full of clones anyway we'll leave that open, right? I consider it kind of a future money shot "plant" for fan speculation about future stand alone movies, almost all big movies have stuff like that now in or after the actual movie, and somehow they'll wrestle themselves out of that timeline "mistake" just like they did with the "12 parsec" bumble from the original (and I agree it was done in a tad disappointing way here now). As for droid sex did we even see the same movie? I remember L3 and Qi'ra having a moment specifically talking about that NOT happening between her and Lando, though technically it would be possible to arrange.

As for female lead revolution, have you noticed what's happening in Iran right now, with women leading the way throwing off their hijabs and standing up to the religious oppressors? We have female viking warrior graves in Sweden. Every nation in Europe has. Just because America is the only* nation on Earth that hasn't had females starting a revolution doesn't mean you have to be negative about it. Again here in "Solo" it's probably a plant to be able to do new cool things with robot CGI in future movies, pretty much everything that can be done in movies with none-AI robots have already been done so it's kinda necessary.

*Technically not true I guess, one minute of googling and I find that women got as revolutionary over tea prices/taxes/etc in Boston as men did:
Rob Arndt - May 28, 2018 - Report this comment
After Obi-Wan cut him down, Maul was barely alive, somehow managing to cobble together his cybernetic legs and attach them to his torso, all held together by the Force, though his isolation and injuries drove him mad. In a rather complicated history involving his brother Savage Opress and Mother Talzin, Maul eventually had his sanity and well-being restored through magic, now sporting a pair of cybernetic legs rather than six of them. He eventually formed the criminal alliance known as the Shadow Collective in order to combat the forces of Darth Sidious as well as the Galactic Republic. This criminal army was in part comprised of Mandalorian exiles known as Death Watch and the crime-lords the Hutts, but the alliance eventually crumbled due to warring factions within the ranks. So far, the connection to the Crimson Dawn crime syndicate has not been revealed, but perhaps it was Maul’s second attempt at assembling such a nefarious organization. ~ Collider, see also Wookieepedia
Glen Parks - May 28, 2018 - Report this comment
Don't forget the American suffragette movement.
Peter Andersson - May 28, 2018 - Report this comment
I take it all that about Maul is from books or the animated series or both. I haven't followed either, don't know where the line is currently drawn betweeen canon and discarded, and don't care. So far at least I figure all the ten movies are canon. You're the Warsie here, enjoy your "win" and the supreme knowledge of details beyond that.

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