I took off all my clothing last night
Just to pose like the Pet of the Year
I was so hairy, oh dear, it was scary
Ponderin' where I'd lather and shear

Sashaying onward, transition so wrong
I was manly but I wanted some fluff
Squeezed into a bra and a dress like my ma
And I wound up girly, yet buff

It's these changes in pantyhose, changes in scanty clothes
Now I am simply divine
With all of my snogging and all of my jogging
If I couldn't mince I'd go out of my mind

Mowing the lower nine in some guy's golf course
Inspires me for a makeover soon
Dreams of relaxing while bikini waxing
Makes me want to be Heidi Klum

Wish I had me a figure like Monroe
And a swell pair of gams like Bacall
Hair like a rocker, inflatable knockers
The sexiest guy of them all

These changes in pantyhose, changes in scanty clothes
Practicing prances and struts
With all of my shagging and brown paper bagging
Without a cross dress, I confess I'd go nuts

I think about Paris and her sex tape divine
I wish I could make one myself
Wearing some tights with my booty in motion
God, I wish I could dress like an elf

Oh, something nice over the shoulder
A slit skirt that's still in good taste
There's just too much of me that no one wants to see
It's a shame that it's going to waste

With these changes in pantyhose, changes in scanty clothes
Airing my grievances out
With all of my swagger and posing like Jagger
I still like to vogue and assume a trout pout
Without a cross dress I confess I'd freak out
If I weren't an Eagle I'd be a Girl Scout