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Song Parodies -> "The Inspections of Colonel Fitzgerald"

Original Song Title:

"The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"

Original Performer:

Gordon Lightfoot

Parody Song Title:

"The Inspections of Colonel Fitzgerald"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

On this Memorial Day weekend, a song for our troops: May they never have a guy like this as their commanding officer!
The legend lives on from the Pentagon on down
of the big flake with chip on his shoulder.
The Colonel, it's said, made men wish they were dead
every time his heart seemed to get colder.

When they load up the ship, twenty-six hundred men's trip
was off to the war zone that's Iraqi.
Some against the war, others still standing for
but to all of them, Colonel was wacky.

These green were the crew of the red, white and blue
come from New York, Nevada, Wisconsin.
But even Mississippi didn't seem all that dippy
when they heard crazy Colonel's responsin'.

Concluding boot camp with a twenty-mile tramp
they were posted inside Baghdad's Green Zone.
But enlisted men knew, as the officers did, too
that where Colonel is, that's quite a mean zone.

The bullets speed 'round with a tatteltale sound.
Were they fired by Shia or Sunni?
It mattered not much, for their fears, they were such
they preferred it to C.O. who's loony!

The Colonel's great loves were the two rubber gloves
that he wore to check out the troops' lodging.
If one speck of dirt, someone's gonna get hurt
and their service, they'd wish they'd been dodging.

When suppertime came, the big loony called shame
for one man had blood on his shoelaces.
"But Colonel," he said, "it's from my buddy, dead!"
Now with toothbrush, he's cleaning the bases!

The Captain wired in he had exhausted men.
All the cleaning might leave them imperiled.
That was not so nifty: "Now drop, give me fifty!"
Even he was not safe from Fitzgerald!

Does anyone know, when they went on patrol
what had happened on overnight hour?
The JAG's office said that he ended up dead
with a heart attack inside his shower!

They might have covered up how the man really died
though that's not worthy of all those grown men.
They hated him so, and you might as well know:
The old b@$+@rd was shot by his own men!

A fusillade shot at the Arlington plot
from the honor guard of each branch of service.
It echoed in kind, but the men, they don't mind
for no longer will he make them nervous.

And six feet below, the flag-draped coffin goes.
It's surrounded by many a hero.
And o'er his remains is each man who complains:
"With Fitzgerald, our chances were zero!"

In a musty old hall at Fort Leavenworth they
are relieved that the freak's out of battle.
But chills run their spines for the six hundred times
of the inspections of Colonel Fitzgerald!

The legend lives on from the Pentagon on down
of the Colonel who left troops so gloomy.
"Fitzgerald," they said, "he deserves to be dead.
But my conscience is clear, go and sue me!"
There: And without one single word about how I feel about the war. And nothing about George W. Bush, either, although I did think about sneaking in a verse about him giving Colonel Fitzgerald the Congressional Medal of Honor.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 3.7
How Funny: 2.5
Overall Rating: 2.3

Total Votes: 23

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   6
 2   0
 3   2
 4   1
 5   14

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Max Power - May 27, 2007 - Report this comment
Lot of effort you made there 555. Just hope the mass voting 1 voters won't come in this time despite the fact that I've happened to disagree with your politics for the most part but you're still one of the amiright greats, have they voted on your parodies based on your work instead of politics you're average score would've been higher than it is now.
AFW - May 27, 2007 - Report this comment
Good story, and if John Wayne were alive..I could see him playing the rigid Colonel in a movie make of this..except, I guess the Duke always did came thru at the end as the hero..even tho' he was tough and went by the book
alvin - May 27, 2007 - Report this comment
amazingly, this was funny and horiffic at the same time
Below Average Dave - May 27, 2007 - Report this comment
Well, Max, I think eventually they'll find it, the thing is. . .we just have to accept that those who do it are doing it to get under our skin, we have to ignore them. . . we should feel sorry for them. . .apparently they lack the ability to speak, but then again-whatever goes on inside the minds of someone who actually takes the time to clear their cookies and 1 a song over and over again on a personal website featuring a bunch of independent writers who are non-profit, maybe it's better they are mute. . .great as usual Mike
Mike Juergens - May 28, 2007 - Report this comment
Sh*t Happens. Lessons in there for everyone. Gotta mark you down some for lines like "But even Mississippi didn\\\\\\'t seem all that dippy..."
JuiceAndTeas - July 07, 2019 - Report this comment
Pretty funny, and dealt with these types while I was in. 5/5/5!

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