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Song Parodies -> "The Confections of Edmund Fitzgerald"

Original Song Title:

"The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"

Original Performer:

Gordon Lightfoot

Parody Song Title:

"The Confections of Edmund Fitzgerald"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

Number 1,250 isn't exactly a milestone, but here it is. The following is, sadly, not about an actual bakery. (Which is why I didn't rhyme "Street 72" with "9th Avenue.") Why do I keep parodying "The Wreck" over and over and over again, my friend? Maybe somebody put a spell on me.
The legend lives on from the bakery on down
of the big bake they call "Rich and Gooey."
The bake, it is said, never fails those it's fed.
It is loved 'cause it's so moist and chewy.

With a load of big dough, twenty-six tons of it go
in the oven so it won't be empty.
That big oven true will bake stuff to be chewed
making people gain weight 'til they're lumpy.

The shop was the pride of the Upper West Side
on the Avenue named for Columbus.
That's 9th Avenue, just case some of you
want to go to there and kick up a rumpus.

Concluding some deals that will spoil some meals
and make mothers back home very angry.
But kids of each age will eliminate that rage
when they show their moms why they were hungry.

A review in the Times made a tattletale sound
when the critic tried Edmund's Napoleons.
And also creampuffs and some other good stuff
and he's laying down lots of simoleons.

The babka we tried and we got apple-pied
and the cake that was chocolate nine layers.
The praises I sang of Fitz Lemon Meringue
and the cute girls who act as displayers.

When suppertime came and Mom served me that dreck
I asked, "Mother, why this stuff you feed me?"
At seven PM, that food tasted so grim.
Went to Edmund's place feeling so greedy!

The order wired in for some devil's-food sin.
My cholesterol level's in peril.
When doctor asks, "Mate, why you gain so much weight?"
It's the confections of Edmund Fitzgerald!

Does anyone know a gym where I should go?
To work this food off could take twelve hours.
Dieticians all say, "Don't pack so much away."
But Ed's snacks have got me in his power!

We might have split pants and we gained one more size
and we might have all gotten much fatter.
And all that remains is the stakings of pains
that Fitzgerald puts into his batter!

Bake cinnamon rolls, their praises I sing
in the walls of my crumby apartment.
The pecan pie steams, forming young men's dreams.
Their eyes get so big, poor deportment.

And farther beyond, pastries of which I'm fond.
So's my girlfriend, so those things I'll send her.
Their praises she'll sing far out in Wyoming.
Not just Elves have that magic, remember!

In a musty old hall in New Jersey I pray
I will make it to baking's cathedral.
The register cries for the 29 pies
that I bought there at Edmund Fitzgerald's!

The legend lives on from the bakery on down
of the big bake they call "Rich and Gooey."
The bake, it is said, never fails those it's fed.
It is loved 'cause it's so moist and chewy.
Writing this song was not a piece of cake. It was not easy as pie. Tough cookies, I had to write it anyway.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.7
How Funny: 2.9
Overall Rating: 2.9

Total Votes: 29

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   2
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   26

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Michael Pacholek - April 20, 2007 - Report this comment
How, skanky bozo?
Der Schpincter - April 20, 2007 - Report this comment
Nice job, Michael. Maybe you can do something with an idea I couldn't get anywhere with: 'The Dreck Salvaged Only By Meryl', about that Prada crap I just saw the other night.
Michael Pacholek - April 20, 2007 - Report this comment
Thanks, Der, but I've never seen that movie. Despite her New Jersey roots, I've never been a Streep fan. However, if Anne Hathaway were to come my way...
alvin - April 20, 2007 - Report this comment
lots of good rhyming baked into this one
TJC - April 20, 2007 - Report this comment
A fourteen stanza layer-cake of parodic perfecttion... and, please correct me if I'm mistaken, aren't those two tiny figurines on top minatures of Michael and Arwen?
Michael Pacholek - April 20, 2007 - Report this comment
That depends: Is it a wedding cake? What color is the bride wearing? (What color is an Elf's wedding dress supposed to be?) I hope the figurines aren't posed, if ya know what I mean. (If you don't, see the film "Bull Durham.")
AFW - April 20, 2007 - Report this comment
A tasty and sweet pastry parody...fine job
Yoidy - April 20, 2007 - Report this comment
I got cake on my face after reading this. 555!
Rick C - April 21, 2007 - Report this comment
This is not just dessert, it's the whole cart. 555
malcolm higgins - April 21, 2007 - Report this comment
and I'm trying to lose weight.. damn 5-5-5
malcolm higgins - April 21, 2007 - Report this comment
Hew Michael, lets do a glop of "wreck of" parodies? you in?
Michael Pacholek - April 23, 2007 - Report this comment
Hopefully, they'll be better than "glop." And as parodists go, we write much more than most.
Christie Marie M - October 01, 2010 - Report this comment
Now this one takes the cake, Mike! I got the biggest sweet tooth in America! You know, for every comment you make on those "TWOTEFs", you bring lots of good luck on the site, I've been meaning to tell you that on my parody. If I eat anymore of those sweets from this menu, I might end up as big as the Edmund Fitzgerald! LOL!! Baking you 5 cakes, 5 pies, and 5 cookies for Edmund's bakery! Great work and neatly paced!

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