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Song Parodies -> "The Tech Faced a Gun Double-Barreled"

Original Song Title:

"The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"

Original Performer:

Gordon Lightfoot

Parody Song Title:

"The Tech Faced a Gun Double-Barreled"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

As I write this, at around 6:00 Eastern Time on April 16, the story is still unfolding. I have no idea whether the f gun the b@$+@rd used was actually double-barreled. The death toll is currently 32, making it the worst mass shooting in U.S. history -- 33 counting the gunman. Before anybody tells me, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people," tell me how many people would have died if he had a knife, and how much longer it would have taken him to build a bomb than to buy a gun.
The legend lives on from the Blue Ridges on down
of the campus in hill town of Blacksburg.
The Tech, it is said, now has 32 dead
from a crazy gun-wielding attacker.

With a load of sad lore, 1764
was the first U.S. killing in classes.
Some Indians inflamed, killed and scalped and were shamed
by their elders for killing young masses.

The people had cried on the Pennsylvania side
and a worse one, 1927.
In Michigan, screams, in the town of Bath, seems
45 children bombed up to heaven.

Charles Whitman, no bomb, first he gunned down his mom
and took bell tower at U. of Texas.
He snipered away 'til the cops saved the day
but school violence and guns still infects us.

It's more of a shock in a land where to lock
and to load is not common occurrence.
Montreal did shriek at Ecole Polytechnique
with a shooting that brought such abhorrence.

But still, NRA, their gums flapping away
saying it's not the guns that do killing.
But if they had knives, tell me how many lives
would have been ended with some blood spilling?

Some punk full of snot took his gun and he shot
a few kids in Arkansas, Jonesboro.
Then two Nazi kids who had flipped both their lids
killed 13 in Littleton, Colorado.

Now Virginia Tech has to ask what the heck
led this guy to fire gun and imperil.
And before the cops came and they took in the shame
'twas the Tech, faced a gun double-barreled.

Does anyone know why the love of guns goes
when the shootings turn minutes to hours?
Someone should have said that few would have been dead
if he'd done slashing instead of fire-shower.

They might have fired back if they'd also been armed
but who knows if they'd hit like they oughta?
And all that remains is the faces and the names
of the shocked parents, sons and the daughters.

The newsvans roll down Interstate 81
through the heart of the Appalachian Mountains.
By Clayton Lake's stream are educational dreams
while the Tech school produces good sportsmen.

And farther below, as there blows a light snow
the investigators try to find out
why somebody shot folks all over the lot
and he closed up by blowing his mind out.

In a musty old hall in Virginia they prayed
and also in a megacathedral.
The church bell chimed 'til it rang 32 times
for each Tech-er who faced double-barrel.

The legend lives on from the Blue Ridges on down
of the shootings at campus of Hokie.
I'd like to write song for you to laugh along
but today I'm not feeling so jokey.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 2.7
How Funny: 2.4
Overall Rating: 2.4

Total Votes: 29

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   17
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   12

User Comments

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Critic - April 17, 2007 - Report this comment
Try telling me how effective all your unconstitutional commie laws were at preventing him from getting a gun. Then explain why all his victims had to be unarmed and couldn't put a stop to his rampage, you socialist rat-bastard hypocrite! I hope the next law-ignoring gunslinger turns up at your school and you're in his path with nothing but one of your worthless commie fish-wrappers like the New York Slimes in your hands! It would sure serve you right!
alvin - April 17, 2007 - Report this comment
on the cutting edge and well written
Michael Pacholek - April 17, 2007 - Report this comment
Alvin: If only HE had been on the cutting edge, instead of the shooting end, he might've been stopped after one. Mr. Critic -- and when I say "Mister" I'm being very loose with the language -- gun-control laws are completely constitutional. It's right there in the Preamble: "...establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense..." And neither you nor the killer belonged to "a well-regulated militia," so the Second Amendment doesn't apply. His victims had to be unarmed because if everybody was armed, we'd have one of these things every damned day. And as I pointed out in the parody, what makes you think any of those terrified students would have had time to get their guns, and then could steady themselves for proper aim? One more thing: Calling something you don't agree with "commie" makes you look infantile. It's time to join the 21st Century, and you haven't even joined the 20th. Go watch reruns of "Gunsmoke": You'll notice that Miss Kitty didn't allow firearms in the Longbranch saloon, and Marshal Dillon did his duty and confiscated them. Get over guns, and get over yourself.
Jason - April 17, 2007 - Report this comment
Seems OK, even though Sir Pacholek is in one of his super-political modes!
Max Power - April 17, 2007 - Report this comment
Don't forget the security took about two hours to respond.
Jason - April 17, 2007 - Report this comment
Well, perhaps they were short-staffed or something, the security. Just make a bulletproof vest as part of the school uniform.
AFW - April 17, 2007 - Report this comment
Good job...and you're sort of technically correct on "Double Barrel" since there were two guns, with a barrel on each
John Jenkins - April 17, 2007 - Report this comment
Michael, it was very ambitious of you to write a TWOTEF parody in less than a day. You are to be commended for creating a very poignant work, but your assault on the Second Amendment does require a response. First, Alan Dershowitz, who is highly regarded as a liberal expert on the constitution considers the Second Amendment to cover individual rights, not just militia rights. Second, most studies of which I am aware indicate that allowing citizens the right to bear arms (and defend themselves) leads to fewer, not more, homicides. The horrific shooting in Jonesboro, Arkansas (to which you referred) occurred in one of the places where having guns was already illegal. Such gun control laws risk creating situations in which the good guys cannot defend themselves against the bad ones.
Critic - April 17, 2007 - Report this comment
Pacholek, I see that you are illiterate: the Second Amendment clearly states "...the right of the people to keep and bear arms SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED." The "...well-regulated militia..." part is a dependent clause that in no way indicates I have to be part of any militia, well-regulated or otherwise, to own guns. In fact, the dependent clause indicates that most people ought to own guns and be familiar with them, so that we can instantly form a "well-regulated militia" when it becomes necessary in times of emergency, as in this latest incident at Virginia Tech. Appealing to Gunsmoke, of all things, only reveals the vapidity of your argument all the more: like all gun control nuts, you have to appeal to total fantasy because reality does not support you on so much as one single point. The places where gun ownership is not restricted have not had any of the daily bloodbaths you envision, and no gun control law has ever helped anyone but criminals and tyrants. I can't say as how I'm surprised, though, considering that, judging by your songs, these are the only people you've ever helped either.
stuart mcarthur - April 17, 2007 - Report this comment
awesome turnaround time - you are a parody machine - and I admired the artistry of "Some punk full of snot took his gun and he shot" - as for the topic, I couldn't agree more with you - although psycho Martin Bryant killed 35 in Port Arthur Tasmania in 1995 in eerily similar circumstances (and still lives - in jail) and we have very strict gun laws here in Oz - 555
Red Ant - April 17, 2007 - Report this comment
Great turnaround time and pacing, though honestly I'm a bit disappointed you focused more on gun control and less on the tragedy at hand. Just as a note, he could have rented a car and driven 80mph into a crowd of students and killed just as many. Bombs are easier to build than you'd like to think. Putting politics aside for the moment, you summed up my funny vote with your last two lines of lyrics. 533
Gun Control Reality - April 18, 2007 - Report this comment
US has very lax gun control, Britian has very strong gun control. . . 590 people died by homicide related to guns in New York City last year (New York's Population is about 8.1 million people) 46 people died by homicide related to guns last year in all of Britian (Britian's Population is about 53 million people) Numbers speak for themselves.
Agrimorfee - April 18, 2007 - Report this comment
GCR has a good point above. Irregardless, I won't rate on the politics, but on MP's balls and speediness to tackle the topic. 555 here doesn't mean that it's funny, but that there is some heartfelt sincerity (unlike another parody that I just read today, "Cho Seung Hui", sung to the tune of "Hong Kong Phooey"--atrocious!)
Max Power to Jason - April 18, 2007 - Report this comment
They did that because they though it was domestic so they didn't bother to do anything until it's too late.
Jedi - April 18, 2007 - Report this comment
Britain has completely outlawed guns. Even the Olympic team has to travel out of the country to practice. With guns being illegal they still had 46 (est.) killed. Looks like gun control really works huh? Gun control laws only effect law abiding citizens. Criminals WANT gun control because they will be the only ones with guns. Look at the strict handgun laws in NY, still plenty of deaths right? Now look at Kennesaw GA. Since 1982 there have been virtually no crime. Why? Because it is a city ordinance that there is to be a gun in every home. The 2 things that scare criminals the most are 1) Being caught by the police. 2) Being shot by the intended victim. This sick SOB does not need to be parodied anyway. Why give him the publicity?
Max Power - April 19, 2007 - Report this comment
Turns out he bought the gun legally, I wonder how much does he paid anyway?
Actual Gun Control Reality - April 21, 2007 - Report this comment
New York City has very strong gun control, too, and see what it gets the place! Concerning school shootings, the numbers do indeed speak for themselves: 3 died in the Appalachian Law School shooting before two people were able to get their guns and stop the murderer; 33 died in the Virginia Tech massacre and nobody could stop the murderer because no one had any gun to get. That's an 11:1 ratio! To compound the idiocy of it all, Britain, which this gun control freak praises so highly for "only" having 46 gun-related homicides is now trying to institute knife control, and has even prosecuted people for defending themselves with knitting needles, sandbags, etc. As the UK's ominous example demonstrates, gun control freaks really are the enemies of liberty and friends to every rapist and murderer around, especially the murderous and rapacious nanny-state government. Yes your true nature is revealed, GCR: you'd rather we all lie down and take it than stand up for ourselves. Better not cry when it's your turn, you simpering eunuch!
Max Power - April 22, 2007 - Report this comment
You should've seen it on youtube, it was ugly the comments I mean, it is filled with some anti-USA trash and there were some idiots who lump all the Asians to this prick.
Ice Cold Milk - April 27, 2007 - Report this comment
To make things worse, naturalized Asians and their offspring are actually some of our best citizens, and have demonstrated some of the most effective gun ownership in the nation: during the L.A. riots, many ethnic Korean shopkeepers in particular kept the rioters away from their shops by firing their guns into the air to warn all those thugs and looters to keep their distance. Even in their frenzy, the rioters chose to attack the parts of town that weren't so well defended instead.
Jason to Max Power - April 28, 2007 - Report this comment
I thought that stuff on YouTube wasn't allowed or something. And yet I admit to being a diehard YouTube fan myself.

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