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Song Parodies -> "The Lesson of Baseball and Football"

Original Song Title:

"The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"

Original Performer:

Gordon Lightfoot

Parody Song Title:

"The Lesson of Baseball and Football"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

Is he doing THIS song again? Yes, he's doing THIS song again. This, along with "Seven Words You Can't Say On Television"... which I believe is now down to five... is George Carlin's signature material, though it won't sound like him with all the rhymes. And I couldn't use every line, not just because of the length of the song (for once, not long enough), but because some words just don't rhyme well.
The legend lives on from the stadium on down.
We're the fans, games can't go on without us.
These two forms of sport, the most popular sort.
What do you think that this says about us?

Baseball, you see, is 19th Century.
It's a game that is very pastoral.
But football, in turn, is a struggle modern.
Technological, it ain't so moral.

Baseball is played in a park, very staid.
But football's played on a gridiron
in a stadium named for veterans of a war
where the bullets and shells, they were firin'.

Baseball begins in the spring when it seems
there's new life and sun is all shining.
The start of football, it will come in the fall
when the leaves and other things are dying.

Baseball is calm even when there's a storm
but in football, there's stress and there's terror.
In football, you see, you're assessed penalty
but in baseball, you just make an error!

In baseball, a cap, with not even a strap
while in football, your head's got a helmet.
'Cause while on baseball field, your head won't have to yield
while a good tackle can overwhelm it!

In baseball, no clock, and all night we could rock
even into the 25th inning.
But it would be a crime if football is not timed.
Even if death is sudden, there's an ending!

Baseball, we kvetch at the seventh-inning stretch.
Now would be time for rally a-borning.
But football, we see has its top urgency
when the ref sounds the two-minute warning.

Football has cheering for clipping and spearing.
Unnecessary roughness, that's not nice.
They don't use this phrase for the blocking on plays
but in baseball, you bunt for "sacrifice"!

Football is played despite weather that's sprayed
in the rain, snow or wind, quit complaining.
But there in baseball, the game just might be called.
We can't go out to play if it's raining!

In football the tune floating over the room
from the band, it's a march song for all game.
In baseball the theme, is a waltz, it would seem:
three/four, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"!

The two games' objects, different as it gets.
'Cause the quarterback, he's the field general.
He's throwing the bombs, bullet passes along
so the enemy's defense disassembles!

The enemy might blitz, yikes, and because of this
your poor quarterback might need the shotgun.
So assault aerial keeps you marching until
the six-point score, the touchdown, you've got one!

On ground you attack, push the enemy back
until his territory, you locate!
In baseball your wish is to get to the dish:
You just wanna go home where you'll be safe!

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.2
How Funny: 4.1
Overall Rating: 4.1

Total Votes: 11

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   1
 3   1
 4   0
 5   8

User Comments

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alvin rhodes - October 14, 2005 - Report this comment
one of my favorite carlin bits and you captured it beautifully...very impressive...5s
AFW - October 14, 2005 - Report this comment
All women should read this...most never seem to truly understand the rules of sports games...very good job..fives
Michael Pacholek - October 14, 2005 - Report this comment
I know one woman who might understand it better if I put it like this: In football, the ball is the One Ring, and the end zone is Mount Doom. In baseball, we have better things to be nerdy over.
John Jenkins - October 14, 2005 - Report this comment
Good parody, but I would have liked a little more punch in the ending. I did enjoy the "kvetch/stretch" and "helmet/overwhelm it" lines, though.
Johnny D - October 14, 2005 - Report this comment
As baseball songs go, this one's bigger than most, with a parody author well-seasoned.
Rick C - October 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Very good, Michael. Well thought out comparisons. 555
John Barry - October 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Clever melding of Gord and George. 5s
Arwen - October 16, 2005 - Report this comment
Hmmm...thanks for the mini-lesson, Mister Pacholek, but you should know by now that the woman of your dreams GETS sports. Sheesh.

Growing up, I idolized my older brothers, and wanted to do everything that they did. So...I watched baseball. All summer. And when it was over, we went outside and we played baseball with all the other kids on the block. All night. And I LOVED it. Of course, being the cutest and the most manipulative with my pout...(some things never change)...I was allowed as many strikes and/or pop flies as were needed until I could actually get a base hit. =)

As for football, I didn't really love it until I was in college...but now it's something of a big deal to me. (college ball only...I've never liked the NFL...except on Super Bowl Sunday...=)...) That said, anyone who knows a little bit about my 'real' life...and who has the ability to check College Game Day scores, will understand that I'm not in the best of moods today. =( In fact, I'm totally depressed.

I'll go ahead and leave basketball discussions for another day...but yeah...I'm a little bit obsessed there, too...

Anyway...I dig the parody...=) Nice really brought out a rare smile in what has not been a smiling afternoon/evening/night. Thanks for that, at the very least...=)
Michael Pacholek - October 16, 2005 - Report this comment
A low blow from the Lobos? Don't worry, Arwen, Colorado State doesn't exactly look that tough. The Bronze Boot is coming home to Laramie.
carol - October 16, 2005 - Report this comment
nicely done. I would have gladly thrown these three 5's your way sooner, but my 'puter got hijacked and I couldn't connect for several days.
Arwen - October 16, 2005 - Report this comment
Michael...I DO love that you do your homework...=) I am somewhat nervous about CSU, though...just because I WAS confident about our last two games...and look how that ended up. =( You're a peach made me smile...AGAIN. Thanks.
Brian - January 14, 2013 - Report this comment
Great parody. I think you eloquently captured George Carlin's comedy sketch in this parody. I gave you a 3 for pacin, and a 5 for humor.

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