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Song Parodies -> "A Rack Of 'D'-Awesome T*ts: Pair, Build"

Original Song Title:

"The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald"

Original Performer:

Gordon Lightfoot

Parody Song Title:

"A Rack Of 'D'-Awesome T*ts: Pair, Build"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

Came up with the title independently, but checked and found that AFW did a title switch also starting with "A Rack" used thusly back in 2007, so this had to go in an entirely different direction from his.

Eleven years: none; barely, nipples can be found
And by teen-age, this gal's gittin' gloomy
"My fate, I'm afraid: never will I get laid
"All the guys want bazongers; won't do me"   [1]

Stuff a load of cotton balls, wantin' sex-'ppealin' to soar
But Victoria's Secret™: still empty
That good chick, though cute, was alone and not scr*wed
Wth the males deprived Freudishly or'lly   [2]

"Equipment": full, wide, is what Americans eyed
"Baywatch": watching well-filled Pam An-der-son
As they jiggled to-fro, they kept viewers engrossed
Men are fools! With mere silicone, teasin'!

Protruding, no squirm: plastic bubbles: unreal, firm   [3]
Still, she left to get loaded in "Cleave"-land
Inflated till tight; bag of saline, hang
Proud is she: brought forth grins; maid, appealing

Well-twinned; fanned the fires; blades would battle to pound
As each knave stroked; love: her, be nailing
But Mary Ann knew that their passion was due
To the twitch at the thought of her, feeling

It Dawned: ingrate; they had breast-lust, not soul-mate   [4]
Wantin' tail, the stiff members came thrashing
But after poon, dame felt a sleazy pain
Dig their face: polyurethane: chest, trimmed

To shtup her: fine game, but just nook; no respect
All the fellows brought not: love she needed
They'd do her again, but no "match made, heav-en"
She said, "Shallow t*t men, could you go now?"

Though rack admired, sin: naught but rotters strumming in
Proudly stood nips, but now feeling nasty
Belabored insight: They were blight, and so, contrite,
Came reduct'- 'stead of augment'-mam'plasty   [5]

Does anyone know where used silicon goes?
To the nerds who make miniature towers?   [6]
The search starts this day for this maid: true love's way   [7]
Feeling pristine, more smiles, she'd find her

Decided: flirt, not; feeling newly baptized
One day, have bloke sweep her to altar
Who, faithful, remains, and her, graces with his name
Make her "wife", and have sons and granddaughters

Love pure, unfolds; she cheerier, sings
From the wooing of her nice, warm companion
He's smitten, it seems; her true self, esteems
A diamond: display of his courtship

Her father aglow: great scenario
Loves "son"; partake: dowry of splendor
With the bridesmaids in tow, off to marry her, they go
Joined by vows that none render asunder

In a lovely church hall, hymn adroitly played
For our Mary Ann: Hail, hymeneal   [8]
The church bell chimed for these young lovers, sublime
Woman, man, on a new-found path, herald

The lesson is plain: Want to slip on bridal gown?
Know that big fakes draw men, shifty, to thee
Superior: a guy who likes what's in your head   [9]
So, all gals, please remember this story

[1] Unlike many males, I would.

[2] "orally", and that's all yer gettin' out of this footnote. For Freud's theories of infant oral deprivation caused by lack of nursing, esp. true as women entered the workplace en masse in the past half-century, and the resultant craving by said males for "overcompensation", go look it up yerself. No more help here.

[3] Personal taste of this writer: The artificial ones jut, but don't move; as noted in one of the songs linked in the outro, they feel like "a box of rocks ... filled with epox' ". (The research one must do in the name of science! ;)

[4] "Easter egg" hunt: Props to who can figure out why "Dawned" was capitalized. (hint: preceding verse)
Extra props if you can prove the knowledge without giving it away. ;)

[5] Proper medical term for boob job: "augmentation mammoplasty". Reduction in size, sometimes done to the naturally-huge to reduce discomfort, back strain from luggin' 'em around, etc., is "reduction mammoplasty".

[6] I. e., desktop computers, or "towers" (+ monitor and keyboard).
"Silicone", with an "e", was the choice for breast implants until health concerns caused it to be replaced by saline (salt water), whereas "silicon", without the "e", is a key ingredient in computer chips. (Hence California's high-tech "Silicon Valley".) But "silicon" matched better on the final syllable to "God" in TOS, and it sets up the next line. Thank you for humoring the madman.
Pacing note: Dictionary allows "fielder's choice" of either three or four syllables for "miniature". Three, please.

[7] Sneaky homage to Buddy Holly for his 1960 hit, "True Love Ways". (but not nearly so sneaky as that shameless plug. ;)

[8] "hymeneal" -- a wedding hymn; of or related to a wedding.
Etymology is exactly as expected: from the quaint old days when brides were expected to be virgins.

[9] Practically a coin toss between that line and
"Superior: a guy who who looks inside instead"
Curious: Readers, opinion on which is better?

In case it's not udderly clear, the author finds nothingdesirable about a bag of silicone or saline. Quality, not "quantitty". ;)   NOTE: Federal Fairness Doctrine requires presenting opposing "points" of "view", so to speak. ;-D

"Victoria's Secret" ® Victoria's Secret. All else © 2012 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 7

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   7

User Comments

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Patrick - October 05, 2012 - Report this comment
A most appropriate, if somewhat lengthy theme for Breast Awareness Month. I think that's what I've been hearing about on TV with the pink ribbons and all. Of course, for most men, every month is breast awareness month. Security code UT2 "Yew tee two", Elmer Fudd.
Andy Primus - October 05, 2012 - Report this comment
LOL during this brief run-through. I'll check it out in more detail over the weekend.
TJC - October 05, 2012 - Report this comment
BRAvo!! — As a fervent fan of farsical funbag festivities, I can attest—TT definitely 'got off' on the right 'foot with this beaut. Your cup(s) runneth over with clever verbiage—Ewe slyly secreted your hilarious n' heaving Hefnerisms o' burgeoning busomology and deftly bound them within each supple stanza. TMGLTM, but especially loved 'Cleve-land' and your hymeneal wordplay. Again, BRAvo bro!!
Meriadoc - October 05, 2012 - Report this comment
For some reason that I just couldn't put my finger on, I couldn't get "My Favorite Things" out of my head... So I went to UTube and got the OS (greater love hath no hobbitess, but she gives up her sanity to rate a friend), and followed along. Like TJC, agree that Cleave-land was my fave. And did you know that was the original spelling of the city anyway? :)

re: #4 - E.F., unlike it's smaller cousin, didn't 'set ground', but it's just as Well (a)s the coming of Dawn may have seen an even worse TV series.

Re: #9 - liked the one you chose the best.
Peregrin - October 06, 2012 - Report this comment
ThITs one was just busting apart with great lines! Agreed with Merry on #9.
AFW - October 06, 2012 - Report this comment
I'm racking up three 5's for this topnotch parody...and thanks for the "The Rack Of Miss Fannie Fitzgerald" credit from 07..and coincidentally, you may not have noticed, but I also used the term, "Cleave-land" in it.
Tommy Turtle - October 06, 2012 - Report this comment
Patrick: Yep, it's every month -- good one! Perhaps they should make this the official theme song?

Andy Primus: It *is* quite a mouthful ........ to digest, isn't it? ;) Take your time, fondle it.... ;-D

TJC: If I'd known that bosomology was a recognized specialty, I might have gone into medicine after all, like Mom always wanted me to do..... Thanks for your BRAve BRAce of BRAiny, BRAssy BRAggidocio, which is your private BRAnd!

Meriadoc: Well, the two OSs are practically identical, so it's no wonder you got them confounded (and mayhaps "one flu over the two OS"?). I can't stand TOS either, which makes one wonder why this fifth parody of it. (Four -- one was a smoosh with APie.)
    Answer: When a title switch idea hits, it's just irresistible. Sorry to put you to the trouble -- I'd have sent you properly-txscribed lyrics beforehand had I known. Greater gratitude hath no turtle to a hobitess.
    No, IDK that was the original spelling. Interesting, uh, dare I say it? -- tit-bit of knowledge!
    Props for being the only one, so far, to find the Easter Bunny's hidden ornament, and extra props for keeping it fairly Well hidden. (Why did TT think Merry very well may be one to do so?) Hmmm... you're right; new TV series: "Gordon Lightfoot Songs Comedy Hour". -- uh, maybe not. xD ... and see below re #9 (not the Beatles' lyric). Thanks for all.

Peregrin: LOL! ... Thanks both for backing up the author on #9, and now that it's settled, here was the deciding factor: Despite having established the theme thoroughly by then, Your Humble Servant was afraid that *some* readers, for *some unknown reason* (??) may have taken "looks inside instead" from the, uh, "gynecological" perspective, especially after Thursday's (10/4) parody -- and a few hundred others. x-D

AFW: Turtle's Honor, I did not notice that. I just skimmed it for general theme, to make sure I wouldn't be duplicating it, or even coming close. Thanks for v/c, and .... (see next)

ALL: Re: Cleave-land: The first draft had "...left to get loaded with Cleavage", and was considered final, test-previewed and all, by last Sunday (9/30). It was one of those last-minute flashes of "Ewe-reek-uh!" that caused the change while entering into the submission form and previewing, fixing typos, etc. Or perhaps AFW beamed it into the turtle's pea-brain at the last second. I'd be kicking myself (hard for a turtle to do) had it not made it into the submitted one, but had I seen it in AFW's, I'd have stayed with Cleavage, capitalized in homage to TOS. Apparently, GMTA -- Gutter-Minds Think Alike.
TT P.S. @ Meriadoc - October 06, 2012 - Report this comment
I'd have loved to have seen the coming of Dawn. ;)

(I have part of a parody, related to a bumper sticker joke on that topic, tucked away somewhere, fearing that it may not be post-able.)
AFW @ TT - October 06, 2012 - Report this comment
On course, Skipper TT.....Such is how the parodist's mind works...and when this great Sea Classic is spoofed in the Breast manner, so to peek, er, speak..".Cleveland" stands out like a shining Punflower..just begging to be picked..Sail on, and watch out for the "Rock of Gi-Bra-Halter"
John Jenkins - October 06, 2012 - Report this comment
I will make it unanimous in applauding the Cleave-land line. The rest of the parody is very good as well, particularly the used silicon couplet.
Tommy Turtle - October 06, 2012 - Report this comment
AFW: LOL @ "Rock of Gi-Bra-Halter", and the rest of the punny funnies!

John Jenkins: Thanks, John, and special thanks for citing the silicon couplet. TOS second line was tough to match, so appreciate that you found it "sub-worthy". (Like "seaworthy", but for those of us who spend much time underwater.)
Andy Primus - October 07, 2012 - Report this comment
Took my time but it just reminded me of what a dreary OS this is. No knockers in the comments so no booby prize for you. Never been a fan of fake ones or Baywatch (usually referred to as Babewatch in the UK) but they certainly did look good in Pam.
Ginger Peachy - October 08, 2012 - Report this comment
LOL @ "Cleave-land" and your outro "quantity, not..." A sweet sentiment on behalf of all Mary Anns in the aisle (or on the isle...) :)
Tommy Turtle - October 08, 2012 - Report this comment
Andy Primus: Thanks for the return voyage, so to speak, and for the second comment. (& agree on "dreary") I never watched Baywatch, but sometimes watched the opening theme where she runs down the beach -- just that part only. ;) Yeah, I'd have done her either before or after they were removed -- you, TT, and every other straight male on the planet. xD

Ginger Peachy: Professor Turtle hales your comment and is pleased at your howells of laughter! Props duly awarded -- clearly, you weren't in Denver when you read this, or the thin air would have prevented full understanding and the thoughtful (and kind) comment. ;-D
Dee Range - October 13, 2012 - Report this comment
One of my favorite parodies of one of my favorite songs. Fantastic wordplay throughout, and one of your best TT.
Shocked, Pleasantly-Surprised Turtle - October 14, 2012 - Report this comment
Dee Range! Is that really you, Dude? AWESOME!
Welcome back, pardner -- you've been missed, and surely by more than just Your Humble Servant.

With the return of Merry & Pippin, we were wondering how many more of The Old Crowd could be enticed back, and mayhaps restore the site and the art of parody to its former glory.

You humble me with your kind comments. Many thanks, and I hope all is well at the Home, Home Of Dee Range.
Glen S - October 31, 2012 - Report this comment
Kudos for yet another take on TWOTEF, TT. Well done and clever, as always. I was initially skeptical of lines that didn't quite rhyme internally, such as: "As they jiggled to-fro, they kept viewers engrossed" until I remembered that that's exactly what the OS does. Great work keeping the internal rhymes and rhyme scheme of the OS.
Glen S - October 31, 2012 - Report this comment
ALSO, WELCOME BACK DEE RANGE. You have been missed by many of us, man. Glad you came home. Hope to see more of you around.
Tommy Turtle - November 01, 2012 - Report this comment
Glen S., thanks much. Yes, the goal was to match the syllables of TOS as much as possible, which indeed does not always rhyme corresponding lines.
  "... than the EF weighed empty"
  " ...when the"Gales of November" came early."

"Empty" and "early" in TOS don't rhyme, so parody (almost all TT spins) tries to match the TOS words, which means it won't rhyme, either. Thanks for picking up on that, and for the comment in general.

Echo the sentiments re: Dee Range.

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