Eleven years: none; barely, nipples can be found
And by teen-age, this gal's gittin' gloomy
"My fate, I'm afraid: never will I get laid
"All the guys want bazongers; won't do me"   [1]

Stuff a load of cotton balls, wantin' sex-'ppealin' to soar
But Victoria's Secret™: still empty
That good chick, though cute, was alone and not scr*wed
Wth the males deprived Freudishly or'lly   [2]

"Equipment": full, wide, is what Americans eyed
"Baywatch": watching well-filled Pam An-der-son
As they jiggled to-fro, they kept viewers engrossed
Men are fools! With mere silicone, teasin'!

Protruding, no squirm: plastic bubbles: unreal, firm   [3]
Still, she left to get loaded in "Cleave"-land
Inflated till tight; bag of saline, hang
Proud is she: brought forth grins; maid, appealing

Well-twinned; fanned the fires; blades would battle to pound
As each knave stroked; love: her, be nailing
But Mary Ann knew that their passion was due
To the twitch at the thought of her, feeling

It Dawned: ingrate; they had breast-lust, not soul-mate   [4]
Wantin' tail, the stiff members came thrashing
But after poon, dame felt a sleazy pain
Dig their face: polyurethane: chest, trimmed

To shtup her: fine game, but just nook; no respect
All the fellows brought not: love she needed
They'd do her again, but no "match made, heav-en"
She said, "Shallow t*t men, could you go now?"

Though rack admired, sin: naught but rotters strumming in
Proudly stood nips, but now feeling nasty
Belabored insight: They were blight, and so, contrite,
Came reduct'- 'stead of augment'-mam'plasty   [5]

Does anyone know where used silicon goes?
To the nerds who make miniature towers?   [6]
The search starts this day for this maid: true love's way   [7]
Feeling pristine, more smiles, she'd find her

Decided: flirt, not; feeling newly baptized
One day, have bloke sweep her to altar
Who, faithful, remains, and her, graces with his name
Make her "wife", and have sons and granddaughters

Love pure, unfolds; she cheerier, sings
From the wooing of her nice, warm companion
He's smitten, it seems; her true self, esteems
A diamond: display of his courtship

Her father aglow: great scenario
Loves "son"; partake: dowry of splendor
With the bridesmaids in tow, off to marry her, they go
Joined by vows that none render asunder

In a lovely church hall, hymn adroitly played
For our Mary Ann: Hail, hymeneal   [8]
The church bell chimed for these young lovers, sublime
Woman, man, on a new-found path, herald

The lesson is plain: Want to slip on bridal gown?
Know that big fakes draw men, shifty, to thee
Superior: a guy who likes what's in your head   [9]
So, all gals, please remember this story



[1] Unlike many males, I would.

[2] "orally", and that's all yer gettin' out of this footnote. For Freud's theories of infant oral deprivation caused by lack of nursing, esp. true as women entered the workplace en masse in the past half-century, and the resultant craving by said males for "overcompensation", go look it up yerself. No more help here.

[3] Personal taste of this writer: The artificial ones jut, but don't move; as noted in one of the songs linked in the outro, they feel like "a box of rocks ... filled with epox' ". (The research one must do in the name of science! ;)

[4] "Easter egg" hunt: Props to who can figure out why "Dawned" was capitalized. (hint: preceding verse)
Extra props if you can prove the knowledge without giving it away. ;)

[5] Proper medical term for boob job: "augmentation mammoplasty". Reduction in size, sometimes done to the naturally-huge to reduce discomfort, back strain from luggin' 'em around, etc., is "reduction mammoplasty".

[6] I. e., desktop computers, or "towers" (+ monitor and keyboard).
"Silicone", with an "e", was the choice for breast implants until health concerns caused it to be replaced by saline (salt water), whereas "silicon", without the "e", is a key ingredient in computer chips. (Hence California's high-tech "Silicon Valley".) But "silicon" matched better on the final syllable to "God" in TOS, and it sets up the next line. Thank you for humoring the madman.
Pacing note: Dictionary allows "fielder's choice" of either three or four syllables for "miniature". Three, please.

[7] Sneaky homage to Buddy Holly for his 1960 hit, "True Love Ways". (but not nearly so sneaky as that shameless plug. ;)

[8] "hymeneal" -- a wedding hymn; of or related to a wedding.
Etymology is exactly as expected: from the quaint old days when brides were expected to be virgins.

[9] Practically a coin toss between that line and
"Superior: a guy who who looks inside instead"
Curious: Readers, opinion on which is better?