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Song Parodies -> "The Collection of Patrick Fitzgerald"

Original Song Title:

"The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"

Original Performer:

Gordon Lightfoot

Parody Song Title:

"The Collection of Patrick Fitzgerald"

Parody Written by:

John Jenkins

The Lyrics

Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has finally been convicted on one out of 24 charges. There will be appeals and retrials, but we can now add one more name to the list of those, including Scooter Libby and many others, who have been successfully prosecuted by Patrick Fitzgerald.
Crime has been around from Cain and Abel on down,
And sometimes it has grave consequences.
Some felons get served with punishments they deserve;
Some get off with OJ-type defenses.

But felons galore, twenty-six thousand or more
Are who Patrick Fitzgerald’s pursuing.
If your case he’s assigned, evidence he will find
That will surely lead to your undoing.

Back when Wyatt Earp apprehended a perp
People could not perform Google queries.
Anonymity would have been his destiny
Like most of his brave contemporaries.

But his dentist pal joined him at OK Corral
To perform outlaw exterminations.
Their names are in books because they kept catching crooks
And biographers’ imaginations.

In the Wyatt Earp west, a lawman showed a conquest
By putting a notch on his six-shooter.
But in modern days, there are more civilized ways
To show you are one tough prosecutor.

The way to gain fame’s to indict lots of big names
And make sure that the whole USA knows.
No shots need to be fired, but you will be admired
For each bullet point your resumé shows.

To indict a thief, you need strong stuff in your brief,
And one man’s briefs are always the strongest.
Judges always trust briefs with the meatiest thrust;
That’s why his bragging rights are the longest.

Don’t get caught breaking laws in Chicago because
Your liberty will soon be imperiled.
If you lie or purloin, you are destined to join
The collection of Patrick Fitzgerald.

In this collection, you’ll find a wide cross section
Of the worst that this nation produces.
And speaking of which, you have one son of a ‘vich,
Who is still making feeble excuses.

They say he’s no fun making his staff get things done
To accomplish their office’s mission:
To keep the state clear of those who make crime a career,
Like Mafia types and politicians.

Fitzgerald’s the king of making informants sing
And of using phone-tapping devices.
Requests for mercy get ignored because he
Doesn’t know what the meaning of “nice” is.

When he puts them away, prison is where they stay,
Except Scooter did not have it too hard.
Despite untruthful talk, he’s now on the Boardwalk
Since he played his “Get Out of Jail Free” card.

The others get sent to where rules cannot be bent,
So they don’t even get Christmas caroled.
Their favorite pastime is to curse 29 times
At the mention of Patrick Fitzgerald.

The theme is well known, as Dostoevsky has shown
About crime and its ramifications.
If you don’t have time, then you shouldn’t do the crime,
So beware this man’s investigations.

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.8
How Funny: 4.6
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 8

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   2
 5   6

User Comments

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AFW - August 18, 2010 - Report this comment
Good title hook up....I'm not a lot into backfield politics, or politics, in general...Ol' Rod seemed like quite a character on "Celeb Apprentice"...He's probably, no more guilty of wrongdoing than 90% of politicians..PF seems like a real crusader..I like your comparing him to Wyatt Earp and the old west..Great job of rhyming, phrasing, and pacing to one of the tough soul-bending "Seven's"
Barry J. Mitchel - August 18, 2010 - Report this comment
This shows an eclectic knowledge of history, literature and recent criminal cases! It's also a fitting tribute to a much-maligned and feared prosecutor. But the pacing is faulted by lots of extra syllables, which I can almost forgive because of the hasty deadline. 455
Michael Pacholek - August 18, 2010 - Report this comment
It wouldn't be an official "Wreck" parody if I didn't at least comment. And Blago sure is a wreck. He gets convicted of one charge, and calls it a victory? So, Rod, if (not that I advocate anyone doing such a thing) you get shot at 24 times, and 23 bullets miss you, are you okay? Anyway, a really good parody, although Wyatt Earp, with his gambling and prostitution rings making him as much organized crime boss as political boss, would have been an ideal target for Patrick Fitzgerald.
Old Man Ribber - August 18, 2010 - Report this comment
I agree with Michael's analysis of the verdict. (ala Jerry Seinfeld) What's with all these prosecutors who declare they have a slam-dunk case and then can't get a conviction? ;D
John Jenkins - August 18, 2010 - Report this comment
Thanks for the votes and comments. It is definitely refreshing to see OMR agree with MP on something.

Barry J. Mitchell, I appreciate the criticism, but the syllable count on this parody is a lot more consistent than that of TOS. And I really didn't have a hasty deadline - the parody was written 2 weeks ago and I was waiting impatiently for the jury to reach the somewhat disappointing verdicts. The 23 charges for which Blago was not found guilty had jury votes of 11-1, and I don't know if that reflects on the weakness of the prosecution's case or the irrational stubborness of one juror.
Christie Marie M - August 18, 2010 - Report this comment
I echo all comments, especially agree with the fact that Rod is a total 'wreck'. Nothing 'criminal' about your satire. Any perpetrators caught by Ol Pat Fitz are likely to be sentenced to 555 years to life.
John Barry - August 19, 2010 - Report this comment
I judge this to be 5s. Especially liked "son of a 'vich."

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