Crime has been around from Cain and Abel on down,
And sometimes it has grave consequences.
Some felons get served with punishments they deserve;
Some get off with OJ-type defenses.

But felons galore, twenty-six thousand or more
Are who Patrick Fitzgerald’s pursuing.
If your case he’s assigned, evidence he will find
That will surely lead to your undoing.

Back when Wyatt Earp apprehended a perp
People could not perform Google queries.
Anonymity would have been his destiny
Like most of his brave contemporaries.

But his dentist pal joined him at OK Corral
To perform outlaw exterminations.
Their names are in books because they kept catching crooks
And biographers’ imaginations.

In the Wyatt Earp west, a lawman showed a conquest
By putting a notch on his six-shooter.
But in modern days, there are more civilized ways
To show you are one tough prosecutor.

The way to gain fame’s to indict lots of big names
And make sure that the whole USA knows.
No shots need to be fired, but you will be admired
For each bullet point your resumé shows.

To indict a thief, you need strong stuff in your brief,
And one man’s briefs are always the strongest.
Judges always trust briefs with the meatiest thrust;
That’s why his bragging rights are the longest.

Don’t get caught breaking laws in Chicago because
Your liberty will soon be imperiled.
If you lie or purloin, you are destined to join
The collection of Patrick Fitzgerald.

In this collection, you’ll find a wide cross section
Of the worst that this nation produces.
And speaking of which, you have one son of a ‘vich,
Who is still making feeble excuses.

They say he’s no fun making his staff get things done
To accomplish their office’s mission:
To keep the state clear of those who make crime a career,
Like Mafia types and politicians.

Fitzgerald’s the king of making informants sing
And of using phone-tapping devices.
Requests for mercy get ignored because he
Doesn’t know what the meaning of “nice” is.

When he puts them away, prison is where they stay,
Except Scooter did not have it too hard.
Despite untruthful talk, he’s now on the Boardwalk
Since he played his “Get Out of Jail Free” card.

The others get sent to where rules cannot be bent,
So they don’t even get Christmas caroled.
Their favorite pastime is to curse 29 times
At the mention of Patrick Fitzgerald.

The theme is well known, as Dostoevsky has shown
About crime and its ramifications.
If you don’t have time, then you shouldn’t do the crime,
So beware this man’s investigations.