It looked like a blade
On board's underside.
I thought I surely wouldn't live
If I should take a dive.
Those big breakers are a fright;
Once they start, they last so long.
If I'm wrong,
I could be crabs' carrion.

I'll take a crack
At a slow pace.
Although I am writhing in fear,
I do not show it on my face
To a limpid lagoon I walk
With a board for a tyro: me.
Babes on the beach at the bay beckon;
I can't look like a pussy.

It take it slow upon the shore,
Won't get sunburned now--
Got SPF of 94.
Before I used sunblock, would have had a good fry.
I trip and stumble,
I fall down, sand in my eye.
But still I'll try.
I will surfride
And hope I keep my ass above
Water and not take a dive,
And hope that I don't get shivved
By the fin, I might not live.
Still I'll surfride,
I will surfride!

It takes all the strength I have
Just to get a start.
As luck has it, I bend
And my Speedo is torn apart.
My rear end's now shining white
With no SPF on to help
My heinie fries,
Meanwhile, my head goes soaring high.
And the UVs
Get me there too.
This chain of events could not worsen--
Then I feel some poo.
Above, a seagull's dropping shits
That land on me cranially
My head I then start a-rubbin'
While a crab's tuggin' on me.

Holds, won't let go,
My c*ck is sore.
I get crab off now
With a blast from my .44.
I think I might have to kiss my sex life goodbye;
Perhaps a pump'll
Permit me to raise it high.
I now surmise,
I won't surfride--
It seems that someone up above
Just doesn't want me alive.
So I strike a match to flint,
Torch the board and start to sprint.
Screw the surfride--
I will survive!