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Song Parodies -> "WAR (Wins Above Replacement)"

Original Song Title:

"War"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Edwin Starr

Parody Song Title:

"WAR (Wins Above Replacement)"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

"WAR" is "Wins Above Replacement," a way to measure a baseball player's value to his team, regardless of whether he's a pitcher or a "position player." It is used by some fans to justify whether one player is better than another, or whether a player is worthy of election to the Baseball Hall of Fame. There's a problem: It's subjective, not based wholly on facts. Some fans value Wins Above Replacement more than they value actual winning. This needs to stop.
(drumroll opening)

(WAR!)
Huh!
Yeah!
(What is good for?)
Absolutely...
(Nothin'!)
Uh-huh!

(WAR!)
Huh!
Yeah!
(What is good for?)
Absolutely...
(Nothin'!)
Say it again, y'all!

(WAR!)
Huh!
Good God!
(What is good for?)
Absolutely...
(Nothin'!)
Listen to me!

Ah, WAR!
I despise!
'Cause it means the confusion
of baseball fans' lives!
WAR means fans
are rubbing their eyes
'cause it means mistakes
when you analyze!

I said...
(WAR!)
Huh!
Good God, y'all!
(What is good for?)
Absolutely...
(Nothin'!)
Say it again!

(WAR!)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lord!
(What is good for?)
Absolutely...
(Nothin'!)
Listen to me!

(WAR!)
It ain't nothin'
but a made-up statistic!
(WAR!)
Friend only to the analytic!

WAR
is an enemy
to all fan-kind!
The thought of WAR
melts your mind!
WAR has caused unrest
among every generation!
Ignores batting average
and RBI!

Ahhhh...
(WAR!)
Good God, y'all!
(What is good for?)
Absolutely...
(Nothin'!)
Say it, say it, say it!

(WAR!)
Uh-huh, yeah, unh!
(What is good for?)
Absolutely...
(Nothin'!)
Listen to me!

(WAR!)
It ain't nothin'
but a made-up statistic!
(WAR!)
It's got one friend:
That's the analytic!

Ahhhh...
WAR
has shattered
many a young man's game!
Made him unable
to reach the Hall of Fame!
Life is much too short and precious
to be thinking about WAR each day!
WAR doesn't makes sense!
It only throws sense away!

(WAR!)
Huh!
Good God, y'all!
(What is good for?)
Absolutely...
(Nothin'!)
Say it again!

(WAR!)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lord!
(What is good for?)
Absolutely...
(Nothin'!)
Listen to me!

(WAR!)
It ain't nothin'
but a made-up statistic!
(WAR!)
Friend only to the analytic!

Ooh!
Wins instead of "Wins Above Replacement":
Is there no place for them today?
They say we must use WAR
to define players' value
but Lord knows there's got to be a better way!

Awwww...
(WAR!)
Huh!
Good God, y'all!
(What is good for?)
You tell 'em!
(Nothin'!)
Say it, say it, say it, say it!

(WAR!)
Good God, yeah! Huh!
(What is good for?)
Stand up and shout it!
(Nothin'!)

(WAR!)
It ain't nothin'
but a made-up statistic!
Ahhhh...
(WAR!)
Friend only to the analytic!

(instrumental fadeout)
WAR is the tool of "analytics nerds." Break it down: Analytics. "Tics" meaning nervous movements you can't control. And "Anal" meaning where they pull this stat out of.

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 1.0
How Funny: 1.0
Overall Rating: 1.0

Total Votes: 250

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   247
 247
 247
 
 2   0
 0
 0
 
 3   0
 0
 0
 
 4   0
 0
 0
 
 5   3
 3
 3
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

CML - March 06, 2024 - Report this comment
One thing I know about WAR was that Shohei Ohtani, when he was both pitching and leading the league in homers was on his way to amassing one of the ten highest WARs of the past 100 years. But then he gets injured, natch, because what he was doing was beyond the capacity of any athlete. You do need a few days of complete rest and rehab after pitching over 7 innings or thereabouts
Max Power - March 06, 2024 - Report this comment
WAR has a way to overrating one player and underrating the other. Remember there have been quite a few retards who thinks a player with weaker stats should win awards based on WAR when it generally depends on the team they play for (Clemens vs. Higuera in 1986 for example). I seriously doubt it's a coincidence that players for weaker teams have their value overinflated. It's the kind of thing that can lead to some terrible free agent signings.
The Parody Author - March 07, 2024 - Report this comment
CML (and to a lesser extent Max Power) are the only people who seem to leave meaningful comments on this site.

The author of the parody has authorized comments, and wants YOUR feedback.

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