(Piano intro -- The vampire ascends the stairs.)

Nosferatu, dude, go back to Transylvan-ya
You been out of Roman-ya for so long now
Oh, you're a vampire
And you suck blood from us humans
Just like Randy Newman if
He were like Drac'la

And you never liked the sunshine, boy
Without my blood, you're thinner
Your skin's too white, a coffin is your bed

And you need to sand your fang things
You don't want no stake for dinner
Although stakes are bad for your heart... you're undead

Nooooos... feratu, oh, you suck blood for your hunger
You're not getting younger, you're just skin and bones
We feed ya, and feed ya well, with blood, but that ain't solid
Vam-pi-res are squalid with their Halloween moans

Don't you ever want Mama's garlic bread?
Your heart is staked in your coffin bed
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
Until I pull the curtain off
Wait a minute -- why'd Count Orlok go... away?

Noooos-feratu, why don't you go to the beach now?
A tan you can reach now, remove your stake
You may be dead now, but then a sequel awaits you
Or remake -- wait a minute, vampire,
Remakes suck, vam-pi-re.....
Better stay away from reeee-makes....
they're worse than theeee.... staaaaake

(Piano outro -- Nosferatu is exposed to sunlight and turns into a bat before he can die)