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Song Parodies -> "American Indians"

Original Song Title:

"American Pie"

Original Performer:

Don McLean

Parody Song Title:

"American Indians"

Parody Written by:

Andy Primus

The Lyrics

A few UK terms that you may not know:
Ruck = brawl
Nabbed = stolen
Bevvy = alcoholic drink

(Verse 1)

A long, long time ago…
Cheyenne would dismember…
All the whiteys who were actin’ vile
Annoyed Sioux had a righteous stance
An’ war would make those people dance
Then whiteys would be dead an’ in a pile

When Custer went to make ‘em suffer…
He quickly found out they were tougher
On his horse, he clopped up…
But got his men all chopped up

Arapaho were full of pride
Many laws o’ paleface were defied
An’ Custer’s forked tongue meant he lied
So they made sure he died

Why cry for a terrible guy?
High an’ mighty was the whitey, but the whitey would cry…
When them good ol’ braves were stabbin’ testis an’ eye…
Sayin’, “This’ll be the way that you die”
“This’ll be the day that you die”

(Verse 2)

No white men were showin’ love…
To the Sioux, who hated God an’ gov,…
Coz the tribal chiefs were foe
Oh, the whites achieved their shockin’ goal
That sacred land they went an’ stole
An’ all the Sioux said, “Kill the whites…real slow”

So the Sioux were sore an’ full of vim
They were sick of whitey actin’ dim
The bluecoats dealt the blues…
Coz them Sioux had different views

When they were way out west, those Sioux would ruck…
With a tough Crow Nation who were full of pluck
An’ them white men would run amuck…
On land with gold inside

An’ Sioux were sayin’
“My, my, how a whitey will try…
To make dead ‘uns out o’ red ‘uns if the red ‘uns defy”
Them hoodlum whites can make an Indian cry…
By sayin’, “Give us all the land, or you die”
“We own all the land, so bye-bye”

(Verse 3)

Now to Ten Bears, who would always moan…
“Comanches ought to be left alone”…
But whites said, “We won’t leave you be”
Headin’ west, for land, was the war machine…
With a greed that made all them whites keen…
For a chance to steal all they could see

Oh, and at the camps, they tore ‘em down
The whites had come to build a town
The wigwams were all burned
No land would be returned

The whites circled like a load of sharks
Their bite was far worse than their bark
With Injun skin so rather dark…
No tears, for them, were cried

They were sayin’
“Why cry for an Indian guy?”
“Our summation for the Nation: reservation, or die”
“To get their land, we spin them any ol’ lie…
An’ we loot ‘em as we wave ‘em bye-bye”
“Shoot ‘em if they dare to defy”

(Verse 4)

“Beat us; cheat us: what a way to greet us!”
“The whites are rough in the way they treat us”
“Them whites say we’re lower classed”
“They’re actin’ foul, an’ they’re crass”
“They’re makin’ sure life is not a gas”
“It was nicer for the Blackfoot in the past”

“When the bluecoat guns all go kaboom…
Many Blackfoot, on the ground, are strewn”
“Whitey should get some meds”
“Oh, they’ve a sickness in their heads”

“Now the land is theirs, our fate is sealed”
“Some bogus laws are what they wield”
“We wish they could all be repealed”
“Their way, we can’t abide”

“We started sayin’…
My, my, this American lie”
“Why so willin’ to be killin’? Jus’ give chillin’ a try”
“You goddam whites jus’ make an Indian cry”
“Coz you all kill us if we dare to defy”
“Rifle ev’rything you espy”

(Verse 5)

“Oh, so here we are on land that’s waste”
“All generations now displaced”
“With no chance left to hunt again”
“They’re killin’ all the bison off too quick”
“White man’s actions are rather sick”
“But killin’ to extinction is their trend”

“Oh, an’ new laws starve us, so we rage”
“More lands are nabbed in wars they wage”
“My anger, they won’t quell”
“My life now sure ain’t swell”

“And as the pols make laws we cannot fight”
“Ones that are injudicial shite”
“We see whitey laughin’ with delight…
As they act cruel an’ snide”

“So I’m sayin’…
Why, why are you bleedin’ us dry?”
“It’s so awful that you’re war-full, ‘But it’s lawful’, you cry”
“Your goddam laws jus’ make an Indian sigh”
“Allowin’ you to pull a con with a lie”
“Get your fingers out o’ my pie”

(Verse 6)

An’ nowadays some have the blues
So they tisk, an’ down some crappy booze
But does it blow their woes away?
They go down to the liquor store
Where they purchase wine an’ beers galore
An’ they down those liquid lunches ev’ry day

Then, in the streets: a drunken scream…
Of, “Judges lied for the whitey scheme”
“I’m gonna be outspoken:
Your land grabs left us broken”

“In the old days you would fire first”
“I feel as though I have been accursed”
“These whitey blues give me the thirst”
“So now, on booze, I’m fried”

“But some are sayin’…
Why buy from a store owner guy?”
“Cheapo whiskey is so risky, but their whiskey we buy”
“If we ain’t got their fire water, we cry”
“Maybe we should give distillin’ a try”
“Cheaper way o’ swillin’ the rye”

“Coz we’re sayin’…
My, my, price o’ booze is so high”
“Much too heavy is the levy on the bevvy we buy”
“Them goddam whites are glad we natives ain’t dry”
“Hopin’ this’ll be the way that we die”

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 4.9
Overall Rating: 4.9

Total Votes: 14

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
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 5   14

User Comments

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Patrick - August 17, 2012 - Report this comment
Brilliant lesson in history, doesn't gloss over the violence on both sides. "Bogus laws they wield". More Natives were destroyed by government welfare that by cavalry bullets. A lesson to be learned as the government is hell bent on putting us all on the dole.
Peregrin - August 17, 2012 - Report this comment
Great work, Andy. I particularly liked "On his horse, he clopped up…But got his men all chopped up", amongst many other fabulous lines :)
Iowa Debt, So The Lawyers' Fave Tribe: "Sioux" - August 17, 2012 - Report this comment
Overall kudos for:
Internal rhymes and frequent matching
Recognizing that Europeans didn't invent or bring war to the New World; some tribes lived in peace w/ neighbors; others battled just as the rest of the world did.

Giving the barren badlands of South Dakota to the Indians, then discovering there was gold in them thar' hills (US miners' expression at the time). Oops! Sorry about that, Chief! (Maxwell Smart chimes in.) Gave them the wrong land -- "No, we really meant to herd you onto *this* land, over *here*." Thus, Whites became "Indian Givers". (Etymology is written by the winners.)
    That land over there (without S. Dakota's gold) = Oklahoma, the last "Indian Territory" in the continental US. Good thing that petroleum was of little or no value back then. (OK has a fair amount of it; Phillips Petroleum HQ in Tulsa, OK.)

Acknowledging the resulting alcoholism to deal with the grief; same was true of African-Americans, though receding as the latter group gains. Former: They get to run casinos.

One other fact to add to Patrick's trenchant observation: 20x as many natives died of European diseases against which they had evolved no immunity, such as smallpox, as died from battle with whites. Sometimes, whites would offer gifts or trade of blankets of their own smallpox victims, intending to infect the immune-less natives.

Fave lines:
The "pink carnation" is always tough to sub really well. "tough Crow Nation" did that, excellently.
bite was far worse than their bark
Ten years/Bears = good on you!
Props just for using "espy"
"the sacrificial rite"-"injudicial sh*te"
  (the filter thought "sh*te was profane and ban-worthy?????)

Joins the confederation of top-echelon APies. 555 treaties. Enjoy them quickly -- they'll soon be broken.
AFW - August 18, 2012 - Report this comment
Educational, and entertaining...all around fine job of emphasizing the native American struggle...I took a jab at it, myself, a few months back
Andy Primus - August 18, 2012 - Report this comment
Thanks to Patrick, Peregrin, TT & AFW for the V/C's.

TT - LOL @ the broken treaties. I did a lot of reading for this one (& then used hardly any of it LOL). I read about the diseases but didn't know about the deliberate blanket giving.
"bite was far worse than their bark " - I wasn't sure if its opposite was a known saying in the US so glad that you got it.
Dave W. - August 19, 2012 - Report this comment
Excellent read..Quite disheartening ..Never ending saga of man's inhumanity
TT - August 19, 2012 - Report this comment
Bark worse than bite = well-worn cliché in US.
Meriadoc - August 20, 2012 - Report this comment
I too liked the 'clopped up/chopped up' line the best! :)
lifeliver - August 24, 2012 - Report this comment
Very clever rhyming of an ambitious project, perhaps a little forced here and there but that's inevitable. I like the way you go for a different chorus each time, but there's a good reason choruses are repeated in songs - restating the theme pulls the whole thing together. You got the broad sweep of history right but a few more authentic touches with places and protagonists would have added authority. Crazy Horse, Sitting Bull, Wounded Knee, the Trail of Tears, whatever. You did mention many tribes though. I was impressed ...
Andy Primus - August 25, 2012 - Report this comment
Thanks Dave W, TT, Meriadoc & lifesaver for v/c’s

Lifesaver – most of us prefer to vary choruses. It’s not compulsory but it usually makes for a more interesting read.

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