Making fun of music, one song at a time. Since the year 2000.
Check out the two amIright misheard lyrics books including one book devoted to misheard lyrics of the 1980s.
(Toggle Right Side Navigation)

Song Parodies -> "A Kinky Ol' Guy"

Original Song Title:

"American Pie"

Original Performer:

Don McLean

Parody Song Title:

"A Kinky Ol' Guy"

Parody Written by:

Andy Primus

The Lyrics

Done a Bond = been in a James Bond film
Punters = customers
Norks = breasts (Australian slang)

(Verse 1)

A long, long time ago
I was young an’ slender
An’ my body used to make me smile
But I, now, don’t fit in my pants
My butt is like an elephant’s
An’, lately, ladies gag an’ run a mile

My doctor said I should be thinner
A smaller portion now for dinner
Bad food has a poor rep
But salads take too much prep

I can’t ingest ‘em, though I’ve tried
So I’ll go without that Waldorf side
A hamster’s lunch I can’t abide
No way – unless it’s fried

Why, why, must I give up the pie?
I’m not wealthy; I’m not healthy; so, unhealthy I’ll buy
While them good ol’ cows are givin’ brisket to fry
Prob’ly, this’ll be the way that I die
This’ll be the way that I die

(Verse 2)

That red meat is what I love
But I might try breast of turtle dove
It’s a low fat treat, you know
Oh, I’d like to eat some hock of foal
In minted juice of water vole
But, think I’ll bake some veggie quiche real slow

Coz my doc said, “Man, you need to slim”
“An’ you should be pumpin’ in the gym”
At least six stone to lose
So I best lay off o’ the booze

I want a lovely loin, or flank, of buck
With a mink, Dalmatian, an’ a Pekin duck
For I know that the quiche’ll suck
Coz, hey, it ain’t been fried

My doc is sayin’
“My, my, you’re a boozy ol’ guy”
“Too much whiskey can be risky – an’ it’s risky to fry”
“You should be wise an’ givin’ salad a try”
“Or, surely, this’ll be the way that you die”
“This’ll be the way that you die”

(Verse 3)

Took me ten years to be skin an’ bone
I’ve lost that fat, an’ I’m ten-ish stone
At least dates now ain’t chargin’ me
I’m a single man on the single scene
An’, tonight, I’m makin’ them dames keen
I’ve a chance to take home two or three

Oh, there’s one in pink an’ one in brown
A three-way tryst is goin’ down
The pink one’s done a Bond
So perfect – and a blonde!

On my waitin’ head, the pink one parks
The brown one’s skills are on the mark
A three-way merge is such a lark
Today, my grin is wide

So I’m singin’
My, my, I’m a lucky ol’ guy
I got merry on the sherry: if no sherry, I’m shy
Them good ol’ broads were feelin’ frisky an’ high
I’m thinkin’, “Next’ll be a Jap an’ a Thai”
“Next’ll be a Jap an’ a Thai”

(Verse 4)

Limbo bimbo is a dummy dimbo
The bar’s set low, so it’s legs akimbo
All smiles here: her turn at last
She’s fallin’ down on her ass
The punters laugh at the drunken lass
But her father, on the sidelines, is aghast

Coz the long dark hair an’ sweet perfume
Make the bar gents hope to have her soon
We all like her to dance
Oh, in her camel toe hot-pants

When her brain is fried, her clothes are peeled
Her norks an’ buns are soon revealed
She jus’ came on to me, an’ squealed
“Today, I’m yours to ride”

I hear you singin’
“My, my, you’re a lucky ol’ guy”
“To be boozy with a floozy, when the floozy is Thai”
“Them good ol’ pants are showin’ plenty of thigh”
“I’m hopin’ this’ll be the way that I die”
“Bet I’d have to pay her to try”

(Verse 5)

Oh, so here we are all in this place
The geriatrics in disgrace
We’re so glad she likes older men
Oh, come on, don’t be simple; don’t be thick
Old chaps wantin’ a younger chick…
Is highest of the Chris’mas wishes penned

Oh, and as I touch her, on the stage…
Her pants are ventin’ whiffs of sage
No roses grown to sell…
Could beat that fragrant smell

Oh, now my brain’s burned out; I’m up all night…
To write this superficial shite
I hope you’ll be readin’ this despite…
The way my muse has died

Now I’m thinkin’
My, my, this is makin’ me sigh
Need an endin’ to be penned in, ‘fore I send in this Pie
Like kinky tales? Then, shall I wee on the Thai?
Or, maybe, give a bit of bondage a try?
Give a bit of bondage a try?

(Verse 6)

I met a girl who sank the booze
An’ I asked her, “Why the movie crews?”
But she just snarled, and said, “Obey”
It turned out she’s a bondage whore
Now I’m gagged an’ tied up on the floor
She’s about to make the movie here today

An’ all her films are bondage themed
In prior flicks, all the punters screamed
But not a word was spoken…
By gimp guys who were broken

Should be my vid you admire most
If timid, betcha’ll be really grossed
Check out her website for the post
Some play with poo was tried

An’ she was sayin’
“My, my, you’re a kinky ol’ guy”
“Though you’re shakin’ an’ you’re quakin’, I’m not makin’ you cry”
“An’ them poo-hole toys can bring a tear to an eye”
“Maybe, larger ones are what I will try”
“Larger ones are what I will try”

Bet you’re thinkin’
My, my, what a pervy ol’ guy
With the leather an’ the tether, don’t know whether I’d try
Them poo-hole toys can bring a tear to an eye
So I’m glad I’m at the end of your Pie

Your Vote & Comment Counts

The parody authors spend a lot of time writing parodies for the website and they appreciate feedback in the form of votes and comments. Please take some time to leave a comment below about this parody.

Place Your Vote

Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
Overall Score: 

In order for your vote to count, you need to hit the 'Place Your Vote' button.

Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 11

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   11

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Porfle Popnecker - September 06, 2011 - Report this comment
I'd give tens for this if I could.
AFW - September 06, 2011 - Report this comment
Wish it hadn't got quite so graphic at the end, (no pun intended), but all in all, some very creative work, here.
No Need To Number The Verses, Really... ;) - September 07, 2011 - Report this comment
Amazing what you do with the "pink carnation" line, incl. what my crystal balls (lol) see in the future. Other faves: "hamster's lunch" was a nice metaphor (unlike the girl you metaphor), and sneaking in "camel toe", which some might not know, but that's not a Pond diff, just not known to all. Great matching throughout.

Pathetic v/c and page views at this gem. To see why old-timers view the site as declining, check the v/c and views of another kinky APie:

Another almost 100% syl-matched, also on the racy side, and only a little more than a year ago, but waay more v/c:

Sorry for the plugs, but just illustrating what a shame it is that you took so much care and effort to do a superb job on a very tough OS, for so little reward compared to what good parodies of this song used to bring. Well, at least it makes your brilliance stand out all the more! ... What PP said, but 555 is all we can do.
Speaking of kinky.... - September 07, 2011 - Report this comment
(ok, enough)
Fiddlegirl - September 07, 2011 - Report this comment
Andy: Great job on a demanding OS. Like TT, I particularly enjoyed the "pink carnation" stanza. Several clever switches throughout, as per your usual. :)
TT @ FG - September 07, 2011 - Report this comment
Who said I commented here? I don't see my name anywhere!
AndyP - September 07, 2011 - Report this comment
Thanks to:
PP - I'd accept them if I could.

AFW - sorry about that but I just couldn't help it (as usual) ;)
AndyP - September 07, 2011 - Report this comment
Cut off...

TT - "so much care and effort" - you wouldn't believe how long this one took (on second thoughts, you probably would - you've done about as many of these as I've done MG's) ;)
Glad you know what a camel toe is - I thought it was hilarious when I first heard it via a stand-up comedian.
I'll check out those others when I've got a bit more time.

FG - Thanks & nice to hear from you!
WCJ - September 09, 2011 - Report this comment
A great effort, with ever greater results!! :-) Very, Very well done Rob!!! ;-) 5's!
WCJ, Did You Read The Author Name? - September 09, 2011 - Report this comment
It's up there in the title box, in blue, next to "Parody Written By". ... Sycophancy is one thing, but are you attributing *every* song on this site to Rob now? Just askin'.... and quite a disservice to an author who put a lot of work into this.

If we're thinking of the same "Rob", I don't see any APies among his 592 songs. Most writers try it long before that. But you can crank out 30-40 or more "Spells" in the time it takes to do a good first try on this one. To each their own: quality or quantity, it's their choice. But I think you owe Andy an apology.
WCJ - September 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Oh My!!! I am sorry Andy!! :-( I thought I clicked a link to a song from Rob, but I guess I clicked yours, but still your parody is very, very good!! and I apologize humbly for the mix up!
WCJ - September 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Just to show you how sorry I am, I will give you three more 5's in addition to the one's I accidently gave you under Rob's name. :-)
Andy Primus - September 10, 2011 - Report this comment
DYRTAN - Thanks for letting me know about it - it gave me a good laugh!

WCJ - No problem - people can call me any name they want to, if that's what it takes for them to read one of my parodies! I've got to say that I was a bit surprised this one would be mistaken for one of Rob's (I'm extremely fussy with the pacing, whereas he admits that he doesn't really care how his pace). Rob posted 50+ parodies in the time that it took me to do this one (I'm not kidding!)
DYRTAN - September 11, 2011 - Report this comment
"Rob posted 50+ parodies in the time that it took me to do this one (I'm not kidding!)"

My point exactly. Being one of the few remaining writers who still values quality over quantity, I'd rather read this one of yours than 50 Spells. Or eve one Spell -- isn't *anyone* sick of that by now? -- but I digress. Nice statistic about taking time and care to do tough OS vs. cranking out easy ones without any attention to paicing or other technical quality.
Peregrin - October 11, 2022 - Report this comment
Now I am over 11 years late, but good things come to those who wait, and this effort is a perfect example :) There are so many things I could say, most of them have been said, so I will focus on two minutia things: (1) Props for working 'akimbo' into the parody. (2) Extra props for rhyming 'pants' with 'elephant's', made me laugh out loud. It immediately brought to mind an episode of 'Some mothers do 'ave 'em' - Frank was reading a nursery rhyme that he had made up - part of it went something like "Then he let out a great big PANT, he thought he saw an el-e-PHANT". You had to be there, but it's nice when things bring back memories. Ah yeah, this AIN'T no Rob parody!
Andy Primus - October 13, 2022 - Report this comment
Cheers Pip. I used to watch that when I was a kid. I vaguely remember that one.

The author of the parody has authorized comments, and wants YOUR feedback.

Link To This Page

The address of this page is: For help, see the examples of how to link to this page.

This is view # 1307