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Song Parodies -> "A Merry Girl's Pie"

Original Song Title:

"American Pie"

Original Performer:

Don McLean

Parody Song Title:

"A Merry Girl's Pie"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

A dong, strong: times, ago
I had, still, stiff member
How I'd use it to partake in style!
When I'd woo with my bad-boy lance:
Phat! *My* wood snake grows; she'd pull pants
And Baby! Lady-nappy-fur, beguile
Old: ebbing, very; maid: can't give her
A sav'ry taper, ride, or quiver [1]
Bad news for my poor pet
I couldn't make her drawers wet
I can't remember if I cried
When I knew I'd had my final ride
A bum thing; crushed me; deep, wound pride
The day the cue stick died

That's why .. I .. kiss a merry girl's pie
My poor phallus needs Cialis™, while dear Alice: left dry
Am no more: young boy, or gettin' frisky, am I
Thinkin', this'll be the way that I try
No need for unzipping the fly

Are you ripe for nookin' love?
And do you have space: fit rod, like glove?
To nearby motel, two go
Do you give beave? Let's rock 'n roll!
Enthused, I rave; your portal: goal
Ahh, Ma'am, you tease me: down go pants, real slow
Well, you know I once was "Jungle Jim"
'Cause I's always prancing with the quim
We both kicked off on booze
And my big hose, with 'em: her cooz
I was at bony teen stage; wankin' sucked
Till her pink temptation: my man-hood, induct
And we'd do till we'd self-destruct
Sad day: the broomstick died

Half-hearted swingin':
My, my, see my poor gf cry
"Here, I'll treat ya to Levitra™; get a three-month supply"
My wood: mold; Oy! No link of sausage to fry
And missing (whistle: she!) the days I stood high
Wistful: My best days have gone by

Now, for ten years, I've seen not a bone
Where "moss" grows, bad: I can't hold my own
But that's not how it used to be
When the testes sprang; did their thing: thirteen --
-- Years: a goat, so sorrowf'lly unclean
With a load that came repeated-ly
Oh, but why's the thing now looking down?
Her chest; her whole; no horny hound?
The bedroom, we demurred
No furdict till it's cured!
Sour lemon! Dead; a spooky pox
No more, get; lacked this in her box
A weak wang urge within my jocks
The day vein, blue, subside

Bells were ringin',
Chime, chime: I'm no more in my prime
Watching Debbie doing Dallas for the fortieth time [2]
Got a- -dult toys; still, stinkin' dang thing won't climb
I'm flinging p*ss instead of laying, sublime
Hair is growing gray; it's a crime

Felt her, smelt her; Hand? A bummer, dealt her
Poor "bird": Get off? No, a Willy-wilter
Left high and dry, and galling fast
A stranded gal, on her a*s
To lay her, tried; but unscored, alas!
As she festered; felt denied; pines ... for the past
Ow! No staff-climb there; complete, her gloom
As she, ardent, prayed for starch, and soon!
He: small; not up; no stance
No rut; forever, rot, the shvantz [3]
Though we prayers plied, limp stake: unhealed [P]
The parched thing - da*n! Unused; concealed
I knew, appall: not lust'ly wield;
No vein of blue in sight

Restart its springin'?
Nigh: thigh; missing cherry-good pie
Would sildenafil be beneful if plentiful, buy? [4]
If could, sold! Poise, re-synchin': Miss, she and I:
Thinkin', "This'll be the lay!" But belie:
Bris fell; Went away: bat, but why?

Oh, and there we were, fallen; disgrace
With E. Dysfunction: losing face
The Energizer™: start, again [5]
So, come on! Snack! It's simple! Rack the chick!
Jackass! Go down and manly, lick
'Cause ire: higher level, your girl-friend
Oh, and as her crotch quim, I assuaged -
- With hands and Frenched, her bliss, I gauged
My angel, warm and swell
No fake, her matin' yell
And as this dame climaxed all through the night
Delight, this artifice-ful rite [6]
Conjugatin'? Staff limp, still my plight
Dismay: the glue stick, dried

No buzz, ding'ling:
(Sigh!) Why, piece of Mary, can't I?
Horns were heavy near the bevy once; now, gravy boat: dry
Them lewd, bold joys are shrinkin' quickly: good-bye
No zing in thistle; Me? I lay down and cry [7]
Missile: see decay; gone awry

I bet my girlfriend had the blues
'Cause she blasted through my sappy ruse
Bud, she was riled; I'd turned astray?
I'd been down with some naked wh*re?
Would I (nerd!) make *you* sick? Chancre sore?
No demand there; sad; the cute chick wouldn't play
And 'neath the sheets, she chilled and screamed
Our love was fried, and so low, esteemed
'Twas not a time for jokin'
The hurt belle was heartbroken:
"You're a wee man with a tired 'post' "
Can't father son; I am wholly toast
Distraught, the vast pain; sorely, roast:
"The way that you, sick, lied"

She was flingin',
"Why, guy, thus, aberrantly lie? [8]
"You've been sleepin' with the sheep, 'n now I know; don't deny
"If the truth told: Bois- -e's where you shoot your supply [9]
"You've been slippin' them your sperm on the sly
"Jissin' as you squirm on their thigh"

Throat, was wringin'
"Die, die, you shepherdian guy"
"You're defrockin' with the flock 'n you can kiss my a*s, 'Bye'
"No 'wood'? What noise! You stink! So, briskly, off, hie"
Stinging: "Screw *them*? What, chopped liver, am I?"

[P] Pacing note: Oddly enough, "prayers", meaning "appeals to the Almighty", is one syllable, while "prayers", meaning "those who pray", is two. I need two syllables to match OS "players"; hence, "we prayers" = she and he, the two who prayed. ... "ply" in the sense of "to address (someone) persistently, as with solicitations". They persistently solicited divine assistance in this worldly matter.
(Skip this part) If one who prays is a pray-er, is He who hears them the prayee? You'd think, as there are in fact the pair of words, "payer" and "payee" (say, of stock dividends), but, eh, no. Words are weird -- and interesting. (To the weird, at least ;)

[1] "taper" - in the sense of "candlestick"

[2] "Debbie Does Dallas", 1978 "adult" film, considered a classic of the genre. (No, never seen it.)

[3] Intended meaning of "rut" here is "be in a state of sexual arousal", not the cruder one having something to do with a furrow or groove. (Guess each reader can choose as they wish.)

[4] "sildenafil" (citrate) - generic name for Viagra™; "beneful" - poetic mangling of "beneficial", "of benefit", etc.

[5] Some vague reference to some sort of battery-powered device, I guess.

]6] The natural sub, "artificial", would work here (as he is doing a substitute for the "real thing"), but one definition of "artifice" is "cunning". TT rather likes that definition, and is not going one inch farther with it. ;)

[7] "thistle" -- any of various "prickly" plants ... ;)

[8] In both senses of the word, i. e., "tell falsehoods", and "lie (with)" as a euphemism for "to have sex (with)"

[9] "Boise" - capital of the US State of Idaho; as explained in this TT parody, once a state of much sheep ranching, though since gone more high-tech.

Dang! I *knew* I should have saved some for the little lady back home!
... This is just as fictional as the sheep -- *so far*, anyway. ;) Keep your fingers crossed, and your legs .... n/m, strike that last part.

Cialis ® Lilly USA, LLC. Levitra ® Bayer Pharmaceuticals Corporation. Viagra ® Pfizer, Inc. Energizer ® Energizer. All else © 2010 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.4
How Funny: 4.5
Overall Rating: 4.5

Total Votes: 13

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   2
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   11

User Comments

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Old Man Ribber - July 21, 2010 - Report this comment
WOW! You surely do not pick the easy ones!! We are all but hatchlings (and lambs)! ;D
AFW - July 21, 2010 - Report this comment
Highly hilarious, and amazing tribute ode to the naughty art of bedroom gardening...clever cultivating with mounds, hoes, and handles...I'm sure Don McLayin' would love this pie-rody..I know I do
Mark Scotti - July 21, 2010 - Report this comment
An epic of the mighty 'hair pie" proportions!!!
Fiddlegirl - July 21, 2010 - Report this comment
... But your performance on AIR still gets rave reviews! LOL @ "cue stick", and straight on through. Matching to OS was masterful throughout. :)
TJC - July 21, 2010 - Report this comment
Wowie-wow-wowser! I find myself completely astounded! This has got to be the most finely crafted AmPie’ody ever—a veritable master class in shaft’er laughs! *Each n’ every* line’s not only a finely polished gem--sparkling with multifaceted subs and reflecting loving n’ respectful homage upon the OS—but also dazzles with unexpected inflections, miss’directions and, well, headilections! This most highbrow of crass’odies could, naturally, only be ‘pulled off’ by TT, the Master Of The Genre and Pastoral Humorist Lextrordinaire! There are literally too many fantastic lines to mention (I’d have to cut n’ past the ‘hole frickin’’ thing!), but my faves include: Your opening two lines, “A dong, strong: times, ago, I had, still, stiff member” (now *that’s* a ‘couplet’ in every sense of the word!) which provided funassail-a-bull linkage to the OS and set your thesis; “No buzz, ding'ling: (Sigh!) Why, piece of Mary, can't I?, Horns were heavy near the bevy once; now, gravy boat: dry” (yer playin’ the Partful Dodger here!); And the grande finale, heavy laden with ewephony, ewephijism and ewelog’y, “"Die, die, you shepherdian guy" "You're defrockin' with the flock 'n you can kiss my a*s, 'Bye' "No 'wood'? What noise! You stink! So, briskly, off, hie" Stinging: "Screw *them*? What, chopped liver, am I?"”… So Bravo, sir! ‘Twas a Major Melding n’ McLean of the C(l)ock of SeussSpaffian,--nay—*Chelonian™*—proportions!
Genius Spotter - July 21, 2010 - Report this comment
Found another!
Tommy Turtle - July 21, 2010 - Report this comment
Old Man Ribber: Easy ones? "Hard" is my middle name! .. well, it was until ten or so years ago... :D ... Thanks for the flattering comparisons, and stop calling me Shirley!
          (seriously, I dang near got "stiff" at seeing "surely", as adverbs are, a lass, "sure" (sic, sick) disappearing from the language. Thanks for hanging on to them!)

AFW: LOL comment! Thanks!

Mark Scotti: And exactly what might her "proportions" be?? (heh heh) Thanks, Mark!

Fiddlegirl: Thank goodness there's *something* the Tired Turtle can still do.. at least the *shell* is hard, LOL. (S:) Many thanks for the ewephoriant technical revewe! :-)

TJC: But did you *like* it?

          LOL at contraction of "whole" -- note TT did that in reverse, in a "certain" part of the parody, for reasons no doubt evident. ;) ... ROFL @ play on "clean (one's) clock)! Che'll-only have eyes for ewe!

Genius Spotter: Where? Where? Always looking, myself ....
          (seriously, much thanks -- whoever you are. :)
John Barry - July 21, 2010 - Report this comment
Fantastic! I'm speechless with awe and laughter.
Tommy Turtle - July 21, 2010 - Report this comment
John Barry: Aw(e), laughter beats speech any day! Thanks, John.
NKIT - July 22, 2010 - Report this comment
This would have been over-the-top great had it not been for the onslaught of footnotes, which threw off the comedic timing. The footnotes imply that you don't think your audience is smart enough to get your jokes, which is kind of an insult.
Tommy Turtle - July 22, 2010 - Report this comment
NKIT: The question is whether *100%* of the audience gets *100%* of the references. Do you really think that people born in, say, 1990 are aware of a video that came out in VCR format?
Are you aware that this site has readers across the UK, Australia, etc., and that they might not have any idea of what or where Boise is, or why it's fitting here?
If you knew what sildenafil was, I'm duly impressed, but surely you don't think everyone does, do you?

And so on for the rest of the footnotes. I like to write with as wide a range as possible of references, knowledge, vocabulary, double-meaning, etc., yet be accessible to as wide an audience as possible. The footnotes were not addressed to you, or to anyone else in particular, so if you don't need them, don't read them (although I often slip a little pun or other joke into them, too). I suppose I should start putting that disclaimer in the intro; perhaps I will. And as for timing, who says you can't read the song straight through, then look, or not look, at the footnotes later, as you choose?

What's interesting is that none of the other commenters seemed to be the least bit bothered by them. After four-plus years here, I can tell you that John Barry is probably the most intelligent regular here, and the other commenters are no slouches, either. Even "Genius Spotter" (I have no idea who that is) wasn't bothered by the footnotes.

So the question becomes why you alone were so terribly insulted by them as to Unabomb the parody (not that the vote means anything to moi, given your kind opening remarks), and also why the pacing deserves a 1, given, again, that you don't have to read the f/n as you read the song, but can read them afterward, or not at all.

Also, if you write or comment regularly here, please be so bold as to sign your known name or nick, as anonymous negative votes, especially anonymous 111s, are pretty much ignored by *most* writers here, not just myself.

For future reference, I do intend to continue to write as complexly as I choose, and to offer explanations for those who might not get the full impact otherwise, so please feel free not to read, vote, or comment on my parodies, if that offends you. Or keep reading and dissing, if you like -- I believe in free speech, even for the silly and foolish. Thanks for stopping by.

p. s. Please be sure *not* to read
as the subject was the entire economic history of the United States, from founding to the present day. The footnotes amount to a condensed textbook, as my partner and I assumed that not everyone else here had an MBA in Economics, as I do. No one complained; on the contrary, it sparked an interesting discussion. Yes, I write simple songs too, but they don't have that impact or inspire such discussion of serious issues. Have a great day.
Patrick - July 22, 2010 - Report this comment
Got to this one a day late. Outstanding. One of the ten best parodies ever on this site. I stand in awe of anyone who can master American Pie, just as I do Don McLean. You have a genius for taking a rather risqué subject and treating it with respect rather than lewdness. Though I think you have a certain perhaps unhealthy fascination for the ovine. But as the Prussians once said "Suum quique". By the way, my vote for all time best parody on this site "The Quest for the Man from Nantucket" by Leo Keough.
Belle - July 22, 2010 - Report this comment
That was sad. : ( We serve who also stand and wait..and wait....and wait! lol j/k Excellent use of near sounding words and pacing. Yes, you do add a lot to AIR. 5's
Tommy Turtle - July 23, 2010 - Report this comment
Patrick: "One of the ten best..." Are you *sure*? Even with those terrible footnotes? :-)
.. Seriously, that's humbling praise, and thanks very much.... I don't care for the overtly-obscene myself, even if it would get through the review process, which it wouldn't. Much more dexterity required, IMHO, to dance around the double-entendre and, as you say, show some respect for the readers and the topic.
          The sheep thing is just a niche, sort of like alvin rhodes with "Psycho", "Frankenstein", and fairy tales. ... I do remember that masterpiece by Leo, and agree it was incredibly clever -- and also that it was about a famously-lewd limerick, but also handled very delicately. Thanks for the v/c.

Belle (caps now, eh? ;-D): LOL @ your twist on the old adage! (TT said "adage", heh heh!) .... and thank you very much for the support -- coming from someone (non-anonymous, lol) whom I respect, it means a lot..
NKIT - July 23, 2010 - Report this comment
I wasn't the person who voted 1-1-1.
Tommy Turtle - July 23, 2010 - Report this comment
NKIT: Thanks for clarifying. I hope you understand that it was a natural assumption, being the only negative comment and only one negative vote. Sorry I jumped to what seemed like the obvious conclusion. No hard feelings, I hope.

FWIW, I have a few ideas kicking around -- probably won't be done for another week or two -- and so far, they're all pretty simple, probably needing no supplementary exposition. And I am *seriously* considering putting a disclaimer at the top of future complex ones about "don't bother with the footnotes if you know the words, get the far-stretched pun", etc. Thanks for returning to clear that up, and for your input.

And that makes it even more pathetic that the 1-voter didn't have the guts to sign his/her nick. Cheers.
belle @ TT - July 24, 2010 - Report this comment
Pickin' on a little ole 'b'. huh? That means nothing, I use them both.....all is good. I was just concerned about your sad tail er tale. lol
TT @ belle and Belle and... - July 25, 2010 - Report this comment
Aw, c'mon, it was just a little joke -- I think your previous nick was in lower case, too. You should be flattered that I remembered and noticed! :-D .. and LOL @ the "end" comment, heh heh!
belle - July 26, 2010 - Report this comment
Suitably flattered.....hehehehe . THE END...
Christie Marie M - August 22, 2010 - Report this comment
Great satire, TT! Another Kama Sutra themed parody from you. Also, TT tackles the Big 7! This is one of my fave AmPie parodies in this site! You ought to parody other Big 7 songs like 'Be Our Guest', 'Blinded By The Light', and 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. You sure picked the hardest songs to spoof. Well, you're a genius anyways. Enjoyed this one lots!
Tommy Turtle - August 22, 2010 - Report this comment
Christie Marie M: Thanks! ... and I did Am Pie some years ago,
and also several with Fiddlegirl:

"Blinded By The Light:"
"Bohemian Rhapsody":
"The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald":


(Tribute to Fiddlegirl, when she was very new here):
... and there should be a few more Major-Generals within the next few weeks. :)

I DK "Be Our Guest", but I suppose I should try it some time, just to finish out the B7. Thanks for v/c!
Patrick - July 08, 2011 - Report this comment
I think Beneful is a brand name for a special blend of food for elderly dogs to help them live longer. Better than throwing them a "bone".
Tommy Turtle - July 09, 2011 - Report this comment
Patrick: I do seem to recall that product, and LOL @ the punny end-line!
Peregrin - August 04, 2012 - Report this comment
Good read TT, following your referral from recent comments. I think I might need to have a word with you about Verse 2, Line 1, my good man! "The day the cue stick died": heh heh...
Merry - August 04, 2012 - Report this comment
All this HARD work for me? I am sooo flattered - heh heh. ;)
Tommy Turtle - August 04, 2012 - Report this comment
Peregrin: Not trying to "horn in" on your territory, of course! There are lots of merry girls in the world (but never one around when I need one, sigh ;), but as for your Merry, may I not at least worship from afar? Thanks for v/c, and for the inspiration from your most inspiring partner.

Merry: But you are sooo worth it! ("hard" = heh heh. ;)

Both of ewe: Hate to continue to make requests for your time, but back at the parody that started this journey, there was reply to Merry re:
1) TT - Aussie, or other identification? A definitive clue was offered for the asking.
2) Though not an Aussie, listed several TT parody titles tributing, lamb-pooning, and 2-entendre-ing that beautiful land.
3) Summarized the "fake identity" chaos from late 2009 that was hinted at
4)) Pointed to the grandiose tribute to the two of you posted by the two of us (Fiddlegirl/TT), which, sadly, was apparently missed.

Sorry for gushing, but I've missed you both, and was overjoyed to see both show up, when so many of the old crowd -- Johnny D, Stu, Kris, Luke Brattoni, and many others -- are here rarely or never (including the passing of Royce Miller and Malcolm Higgins - sniff... ). There have been some good newcomers, but Your Humble Servant's motivation has dropped some along with the overall qualiity of the colleagues and readers capable of fully appreciating the art. [/soapbox] Cheers both!
Meriadoc - August 04, 2012 - Report this comment
We missed being here TT, and seeing you was a great reminder of the good old days... I have sporadic contact with Stu and Brattoni on FB, but looks like both are pursuing other courses in their lives right now. I see promise in a number of those I dub 'newcomers' (would WE be back-comers?). However it it wonderful to see the old crowd. We are here to stay this time (made a few attempts to come back, but were thwarted by my 'other directedness' at the time) and hope to see you submitting frequently! Please check out some of the stuff we have done over the last few weeks (most of it was written MUCH earlier - our recent writings are done, but on hold) if you are so inclined. Your comments are always appreciated. I will go and check out the tribute now... :)
Peregrin - August 04, 2012 - Report this comment
Worship from afar? I can assure you that my 'afar' is waaaaayyyy more 'afar' than is your 'afar'!!!
Tommy Turtle - September 24, 2012 - Report this comment
Meriadoc: Sorry to see others move on, and thanks for the update -- as well as the kind words.

Peregrin: Yes, I can *drive* there! xD
buy vigora 100 mg online - November 16, 2021 - Report this comment
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