[On the CB]
“Ah, breaker one-nine, this here's the Rubber Duck. You gotta copy on me, Big Ben, c'mon? Ah, yeah, 10-4, Big Ben, for sure, for sure. By golly, I'm listenin' to that Republican candidates' debate on WGOP on the ol' A-M dial there, sounds like that Michelle what's-her-name's sayin' somethin' or other 'bout lord knows what, mercy sakes alive!”

Was a night to remember in ol' December
In a Kenworth haulin' logs
When the A-M dial started soundin' vile,
like a pack of howlin' dogs
I was hopin' to hear some hopeful cheer
In the G-O-P's big debate
I says, “Big Ben, this here's Rubber Duck,
Checkin' Bachmann's mental state!”

'Cause we got a scary ol' Bachmann
Talkin' for the Right
Yeah, we got a scary ol' Bachmann,
Ain't she a beautiful fright?
Come on and vote for Bachmann
Ain't nothin' gonna stand in her way
We're gonna vote for scary Bachmann
'Cross the U-S-A
BACHMANN!!!

[On the CB]
“Ah, breaker, Big Ben, this here's the Duck. I'm a-gonna back off that Bachmann, yeah, 10-4, just the thought of them bug-eyes is creepin' me out up here.”
“Breaker-breaker, one-nine!”
“Hold on there Big Ben, we got us a breaker – go, breaker!”
“Yeah, thanks for the break, Rubber Duck, this here's Ron Paul.”
“Ron Paul? You mean like the actual CANDIDATE Ron Paul?”
“That's a big 10-4 Rubber Duck, it's me, Ron Paul!”
“Ron, good buddy, word of advice, now – on CB, you don't want to use your real name, you gotta pick yourself a good soundin' nickname, y'know – what us CB-ers call a 'handle', 10-4?”
“You want me to use a nickname?”
“Ah, that's a 10-4, good buddy!”
“Well if you expect me to obey YOUR rules – what's in it for ME?”
“Oh Ron just forget about it – and get off this channel!”

By the time we got into Tulsa Town,
The debate had become a brawl
Mitt Romney's up on the podium
Stayin' way above it all
Yeah, my ears were hummin' from all the thumbin'
As the journalists all sent text
I says, “Callin' all trucks, this here's the Duck,
Listen up, Rick Perry's next!”

Cause we got a dumbass Perry
Talkin' for the Right
Yeah, we got a dumbass Perry,
Don't know his left from his right
Come on and vote for Perry
Ain't nothin' gonna stand in his way
We're gonna vote for dumbass Perry
'Cross the U-S-A
PERRY!!!

[On the CB]
“Ah, breaker, Big Ben, this here's the Duck. Yeah, for sure, for sure, I had high hopes for Governor Perry 'til he forgot he was on WGOP AM RADIO and thanked “everybody here at FOX TV”.
“Breaker-breaker, one-nine!”
“Hold on there Big Ben, we got us a breaker – go, breaker!”
“Yeah, thanks for the break, Rubber Duck – the 'Handle-Bar' here is 'The Huntsman'.”
“Umm, 'The Huntsman' ? You mean as in Jon Huntsman, the GOP Presidential candidate?”
“No sir, good buddy, 'The Huntsman' is just my CB 'Handle-Bar' – 'cause as you know, all of us CB'ers never use our real names on the CB, 10-4!”
“Umm, you're not foolin' anyone, everybody knows it's you, Ron Paul.”
“What?? How did you know it was ME???”
“Number one, we all recognize your nasal whiney little voice. Number two, any veteran CB'er knows it's 'Handle', not 'Handle-Bar'. And you wanna know what Number three is?”
“Yes, YES!! Tell me what Number three is, PLEASE!!!”
“Number three is this: Get off this channel!”

Bachmann and Perry were goin' down
Herman Cain had quit long ago
The one they call Huntsman, and Santorum, too,
Were awash with no place to go
It was startin' to seem like the pearly gleam
Of the smile of Mitt Romney would win
He'd been keepin' real quiet and feedin' us a diet
Made of mousse with a male model grin
The Gingrich called Newt, well he started to shoot
Way up in the polls so they say
But the pundits weren't sure if his gray-haired allure
Would ensure that he'd carry the day
Then all of a sudden Mitt stepped to the mike
Cleared his throat, smiled, and started to talk
I says, “Callin' all trucks, this here's the Duck,
Crank it up, Mitt's startin' to squawk!”

'Cause we got a Stepford Romney
Talkin' for the Right
Yeah, we got a Stepford Romney
Teeth clean and totally white
Come on and vote for Romney
Ain't nothin' gonna stand in his way
We're gonna vote for Stepford Romney
'Cross the U-S-A
ROMNEY!!!

[On the CB]
“Ah, breaker, Big Ben, this here's the Duck. Yeah, I couldn't tell what was louder there, Romney's flip-floppin' words of whateverness or the sound of them light-beam-photon-particles reflectin' off his teeth and impactin' on his microphone.”
“Ah, Rubber Duck, this here's Big Ben. 10-4 on your Romney observation there, good buddy. Hey there good buddy, you see that sign we just passed, saying 'Toll Ahead – Exact Change Only' ?”
“10-4 Big Ben, roger roger on that Toll sign – checkin' 'round here but I ain't findin' any change.”
“That's a roger on the change situation, Rubber Duck, same deal here, thought I had plenty but turns out no change to be found.”
“Just confirmed it, negatory on the change here, Big Ben, what're we gonna do?”
“Don't know, Rubber Duck, but we most DEFINITELY need change!”
“Breaker-breaker, one-nine!”
“Hold on there Big Ben, we got us a breaker – go, breaker!”
“Yeah, thanks for the break, Rubber Duck – been listenin' here on the side, and I heard y'all are lookin' for change?”
“That's a big 10-4 there, breaker, we are most DEFINITELY in need of change!”
“Roger that, Rubber Duck, seems like I came along at just the right time.”
“Mercy sakes alive, can't tell you how glad we are that you did, breaker!”
“Ah breaker, this here's Big Ben, thanks a lot good buddy – but what's your handle?”
“Handle's The Obamanator – an' I GOT YOUR 'CHANGE' RIGHT HERE!”
(Big Ben & Rubber Duck together:) “GET OFF THIS CHANNEL!!!”

Well, we laid a strip for the Jersey shore
Where The Snooki struts her stuff
The debate had just become a bore
And we both had had enough
“Big Ben, this here's the Rubber Duck,
feelin' cynical, how 'bout you?”
“This here's Big Ben, I'll say A-men,
it's enough to turn a Redneck Blue!”

'Cause we got a “Convoy Party”
Talkin' for the Right
Yeah, we got a Convoy Party
Anti-electable blight
Doubtful the Convoy Party
Can win it all and carry the day
We're gonna Occupy and Party,
'Cross the U-S-A!
PARTY!!!

[On the CB]
“Ah, breaker, Big Ben, this here's the Duck. Well, mercy sakes, good buddy, we gonna back on outta here, so keep the Bachmanns off your glass and the Santorums off your tail! We'll catch you on the Romney flip-flop! Or was it the Gingrich flip-flop … or the Obama flip-flop? Ah, mercy sakes alive, good buddy, flip-floppin's what this great country's all about! This here's the Rubber Duck on the side. We gone. 'Bye, 'bye.