Caparray A musical playlet in 5 Acts
Dramatis Personae (in order of appearance)
TYRO ROBERTS: a young, recently elected representative from Nirvanska
SULLEN BILES: a Congressional staffer
M.C. PILLDOSE: Spieler of the House
LIMPY HAND: Hairdresser for and and lapdog of Damn Pol Turd
PIQUE CHORUS: Ivana, Marla, Steelea
ROBERT MULL/ROLL OVER: Disgraced investigation leader
BURNING RANTER: presidential candidate
JOE BIDIN’ [His Time]: presidential candidate
STEEPED-IN MITLER: White House architect of White Grouse
ROOSKIE GHOULIEHARMY: Fixer, bagman, and spy for Damn Pol Turd
DAMN POL TURD: Capo’s main agent in the US
CAPO: Vladimir Putain, dictator of Russia
CHOIR: Republican Caucus, Jerkoff Krookner, Pol Turd’s spawn, all acting Cabinet secretaries and agency heads, all “advisors,” Boof Kavanaugh, Clarence (“Uncle”) Thomas, Neil Gosuck, all current and pardoned criminal associates, Alan Turdowitz, Rankkin Graham, Jerkoff Falwell, Rooskie, Christ Pretense, Faux News, Creep Cannon, Daily Stormer, Danger Puke, Jeff Stretchem[bytheneck], Rightarm Spencer….
ACT I, Scene 1
(The play opens in Washington, DC. Walking along The Mall and surveying the sights is TYRO ROBERTS, a newly elected Congressional representative from the state of Nirivanska. Dressed in “preppie” attire, he is clearly struck by the surroundings.”
TYRO: What a marvelous city—the monuments, the memorial, the cherry trees, the Old Post Office Building. JFK may have said that Washington has all the charm of the North combined with all the efficiency of the South, but I think that DC is a tremendous place. I’m so glad to be here, representing my district in Nirvanska. I may be new to the game, but I really plan to make a difference for as long as my constituents continue to send me back here to represent them.
Now, howcver, I need to walk over the the Capitol, find my office, and get settled in. I have a lot to learn about the workings of our government. Ever since I took my first Civics class in high school, I’ve been intrigued with the prospect of working in government service.
Well, here I am, about to do just that. I’m ready to make my mark—not merely mark my territory, as I’ve heard is the case with so many legislators.
(As he ascends the Capitol steps, glancing around distractedly, he bumps into a young woman who demonstrates an aloofly intense attitude.)
SULLEN BILES (annoyed): Hey, man, watch where you’re going!
TYRO (apologetic): Oh, I’m sorry, I guess I was distracted by all the awesome sights around me.
SULLEN: Did you say “awesome”?! What are you, twelve years old?
TYRO: I happen to be 25!
SULLEN (sarcastically): Oh, I’m so sorry! Hey, you look like a newbie in town. What’s your name?
TYRO: Tyro Roberts. I’ve just been elected to Congress and was about to find my office.
SULLEN: Oh, you poor bastard. My condolences.
TYRO: What do you mean?!
SULLEN: Did I hear correctly. Didn’t you say you’re in Congress?
TYRO: Yes, I did.
SULLEN: Well, say no more!
TYRO: I don’t understand.
SULLEN: Believe me, pal, you will, in a very short time.
TYRO: And just what makes you so knowledgable about Congress?
SULLEN: I’m a staffer for Senator John Cornhole, and you wouldn’t believe the shit that goes on in this place.
TYRO: What kind of shit?
SULLEN: The worst kind. Although the House is where the real slime, morons, and rabid dogs are housed—no offense.
TYRO: Actually, I am offended.
SULLEN (aside): Oh, the babies they send us. It won’t take this schmuck long to grow up. (To TYRO) I’m sorry. Let me welcome you to the swamp. (Sings)
(Partial parody of “Wilkommen”)
Welcome in to DC, “swell” town.
Friendly you seem to me, stranger.
Good will elude you,
you’ll see every day.
Nasty are the crews,
sleazebags, creeps outré.
Welcome in to DC, hell town.
You grabbed your race, at last you face this cankered place.
TYRO (sarcastically): Gee, thanks!
SULLEN: I’ll tell you what, come with me, and I’ll give you an idea of what I mean. By the way, put your hydar an full alert.
TYRO: What’s “hydar?”
SULLEN: Hype radar. You’re going to hear a hypeload of it, particularly from Damn Pol Turd
TYRO: Such as?
SULLEN: Beautiful, tremendous, wonderful, incredible best, most, blah-blah-blah….
TYRO: I’ll try.
SULLEN: And while you’re at it, try these. Budar—well, that’s obvious. Platdar (she looks to TYRO.)
TYRO (thinks for a moment): Platitude radar?
SULLEN: Bingo! How about Brodar.
TYRO (with a faster response). Bromide radar.
SULLEN: You got it! And the one you need for just about anything you hear in this town: Mendar.
TYRO: Hmmm? Mentally ill…. no, I think I have it: Mendacity radar.
SULLEN: Nice one. OK, ready to go?
TYRO (cheerily): OK!