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Song Parodies -> "The Assault on BCS 9000"
Original Song Title:
"Chiquitita"
(MP3)Original Performer:
ABBA
Parody Song Title:
"The Assault on BCS 9000"
Parody Written by:
Edward Genereux
The Lyrics
From the disco opera "TCU." Having successfully completed physical and mental training for the assault on BCS 9000--which by now has been moved to the Kansas City suburbs--Bowman and Poole each take up an M-16 and head to the BCS headquarters, where the computer is obviously located, in July 2010. When these spies arrive at the office buliding whence the BCS wreaks havoc on college football's postseason, they begin wondering about how to destroy the machine. They begin to earnestly discuss the matter in a sound-proof office as soon as they enter the building. After agreeing upon a plan. they leave the office and head for the computer itself, unaware of what awaits them. As I mentioned in the previous parody,
Spoken prelude.
Poole: So, how should we best go about this?
Bowman: We know that we should go after the machine's bias toward power conferences, its tendency to split the national title and exclusion of numerous undefeated teams from the chase.
Poole: Yes, but HOW should we destroy the machine? What if it's a cyber-computer capable of detecting our very motions and voices?
Bowman: Well, I heard somewhere that we need to enter the computer's core and cut each fibre-optic network core one by one. I believe--and this is also what I've heard--that this core includes pennants from all 12 SEC football teams.
Poole: I guess we'd better find the core then.
Bowman: That said, however, there's no map that we have!
Poole: Wait--I see a map over there! (points to a map of the building on the wall) Let's find out where the core is...
(During the last spoken line, guitar solo plays)
Stanza I. Bowman
BCS, just tell me the truth.
Why are all your algorithms
Hidden 'way? You are blocking our great mission.
How I'd hate to see you corrupt
The postseason bowls any further;
I can see you make me scream bloody murder.
Stanza II. Poole
BCS, just tell me what's wrong.
We have come to fix your innards.
If we fail, please don't choke our very gizzards!
Even though you do have some problems,
To defend ourselves, we have weapons.
Heed now what you're saying and where you're steppin'.
Refrain. Both
BCS, you very well know
'Bout the '98 big-time snubs of K-State and Tulane;
Then in 1999, Marshall took a blow.
Football's title chase needs new ways.
In 2000, Miami screamed
When archrival was invited to go face the Sooners.
One year later, Oregon was the ousted one.
Free us from this, O computer,
Or we'll say that it's blasphemy
And great madness, O computer.
Stanza III. Both
Though your system's crumbling apart,
We can sense a new day coming.
All's not lost, though for you a playoff's numbing.
BCS, have humility
'Cos your arrogance is quite troubling.
If you persist, ev'ry day the problem's doubling.
Refrain. Both
BCS, you'll surely admit
When you snubbed ol' Peter Carroll and his SC Trojans,
You thought this was Sparta here; f**ked up is your ear!
You're just going through the motions.
Now that TCU's been left out,
You are madder than the circle of hell for the traitors
'Cos you are just that, machine; your programmes we'll drain.
We will break your circuits later.
You're just a traitor, we'll feed the Gators
All your circuits, O computer.
Bowman (to Poole): Now we'll start taking it apart;
Break the wires on this computer.
(Instrumental ad lib and fade)
Poole: So, how should we best go about this?
Bowman: We know that we should go after the machine's bias toward power conferences, its tendency to split the national title and exclusion of numerous undefeated teams from the chase.
Poole: Yes, but HOW should we destroy the machine? What if it's a cyber-computer capable of detecting our very motions and voices?
Bowman: Well, I heard somewhere that we need to enter the computer's core and cut each fibre-optic network core one by one. I believe--and this is also what I've heard--that this core includes pennants from all 12 SEC football teams.
Poole: I guess we'd better find the core then.
Bowman: That said, however, there's no map that we have!
Poole: Wait--I see a map over there! (points to a map of the building on the wall) Let's find out where the core is...
(During the last spoken line, guitar solo plays)
Stanza I. Bowman
BCS, just tell me the truth.
Why are all your algorithms
Hidden 'way? You are blocking our great mission.
How I'd hate to see you corrupt
The postseason bowls any further;
I can see you make me scream bloody murder.
Stanza II. Poole
BCS, just tell me what's wrong.
We have come to fix your innards.
If we fail, please don't choke our very gizzards!
Even though you do have some problems,
To defend ourselves, we have weapons.
Heed now what you're saying and where you're steppin'.
Refrain. Both
BCS, you very well know
'Bout the '98 big-time snubs of K-State and Tulane;
Then in 1999, Marshall took a blow.
Football's title chase needs new ways.
In 2000, Miami screamed
When archrival was invited to go face the Sooners.
One year later, Oregon was the ousted one.
Free us from this, O computer,
Or we'll say that it's blasphemy
And great madness, O computer.
Stanza III. Both
Though your system's crumbling apart,
We can sense a new day coming.
All's not lost, though for you a playoff's numbing.
BCS, have humility
'Cos your arrogance is quite troubling.
If you persist, ev'ry day the problem's doubling.
Refrain. Both
BCS, you'll surely admit
When you snubbed ol' Peter Carroll and his SC Trojans,
You thought this was Sparta here; f**ked up is your ear!
You're just going through the motions.
Now that TCU's been left out,
You are madder than the circle of hell for the traitors
'Cos you are just that, machine; your programmes we'll drain.
We will break your circuits later.
You're just a traitor, we'll feed the Gators
All your circuits, O computer.
Bowman (to Poole): Now we'll start taking it apart;
Break the wires on this computer.
(Instrumental ad lib and fade)
For the next parody, I won't use a song on or affiliated with the Voulez-Vous album, but rather "Under Attack." This is affiliated with ABBA's final album, The Visitors and the parody describes the fate of Bowman and Poole en route to the BCS 9000 core--and no, it ain't pretty.
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Where at in Kansas City is this monster computer located?
The letter footer for BCS executive director Bill Hancock's letter to the senators interested in forcing a playoff on major college football (before the NCAA can do so, of course--they should do so without congressional intervention!) says Mission Village, KS. Though the article in the Onion lists Tempe, AZ, I mentioned in "Rise of BCS 9000" (OS: "Summer Night City") that I chose not to follow the article slavishly, but rather to add my own special touch.
There is a Mission, Kansas (older suburbs) and a Prairie Village, Kansas (somewhat newer suburbs). There is also a Mission Hills (very upscale, no commercial or office space). Possible Mission Woods (very tiny, adjacent to Mission Hills, population around 200. No Mission Village.
Oops, I meant to say Prairie Village!
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