Ever since he was a young boy...he's missed or dropped a ball
From polo down to marbles...he must have tried 'em all
So we don't want nothin' like him...his playin', it don't enthrall
He's worth only five quid...can't kick a damn football

He's pants as a striker...becomes like an ol' has-been
Reelin' like a drunkard...worse than auntie Jean
Plays in front position...the dickhead starts a brawl
The ref said "You're fined, kid"...can't fight in this sports hall

He's a pinhead wazzock who's yet to have a tryst
This pinhead wazzock's got such a supple wrist

Why do you think he fluffs it (he's no pro) what makes him no good

Ain't got no distinctions..."Can't win no trophies" he yells
Can't get no nights of pashin'...plays with blow up belle
Always fails at relay...pace is just a crawl
Plays sport like a blind kid...can't hit a damn baseball

We thought he was...doolally with his swing
But he's cack handed so baseball's not for him

Even on the billiards table...he has not been blessed
When he cycles we all grin...to cars he's just a pest
When a hazy ripper lingers...never take the fall
Just say "It was that kid"...don't want him here at all