Hehehe...that's one way for us to pick them! Especially with our accident-prone ways...they really DO have to be tested first! 5's

Always turnin' lemons into lemonade, that's our Empress Arwen! ;-)

I had a date that was kind of like that once, but I fractured my elbow...you, however, get a big 'ol nostalgic bunch of fives!

Oh my hell, this is freakin' hilarious! So many LOL lines! Plus, you'd be better off dating an EMT anyway...

ADAGIO--thanks! I have often thought I should run guys through a rigorous training course before they venture out on the town with me! JOHNNY--thanks, buddy! I try and try...and sometimes it works out, I guess...but I've still got too many unfinished lemons on my hard-drive to call myself a pro quite yet! RAVYN--youch! In reality, the worst thing I've done on an actually date was fall out of the car...but no broken bones. Thanks, though...from one tough broad to another! And ASHKICKSASS--no kidding on the EMT comment. I can remember once at a volleyball game when a guy we were with had something go wrong with his heart. When the EMTs got there, all of us ladies were trying desperately to pass out, so that the one EXTRA HOTTIE would have to do mouth to mouth! Heehee...Thanks, everyone!

UGH! What I meant to say was "actual" date, RAVYN...(and Ashkicksass, who's more likely to give me grief)...not "actually" date.

Damn, that was brilliant. Great concept, expertly executed. All of the 'alone now' rhymes were outstanding!

Compound 5--just great.

Not only all 5's, but it also inspired a great mix of Google ads: "Broken Femur Lawsuits," "Tommy James & Shondells," "Parody at Laugh.com," and "www.BrokenBeauties.com."

LEO...thanks so much...I was particularly proud of the way I was able to change each chorus...thanks for noticing! JOHN...I really appreciate it...=) ALAN...not sure I've ever seen you around my stuff before...I'm so glad you liked it! Thanks for taking time to read it...and LOL on the Google ads!!

I do hope this wasn't autobiographical. That's a lot of bones and gunk and stuff, you could spin this into an ER episode. Nice one.

Not a true story, 2nz. In spite of many falls, the only thing I've ever broken is my back...=) Sprains, dislocations, luxations, all that...I've got in spades, though! =) Thanks!!!

i broke my funny bone laughing at this one...nice job, arwen...5s

Like the way it gelled into an entire mini soap opera...

I am still rolling around on the floor laughing! I am SO glad it wasn't autobiographical though. ;) EXCELLENT!

Oh, ALVIN--don't hurt yourself on my account! Thanks...and my favorite little MERRY--it wasn't my original intention...but it did turn out that way...and I was pleased, too! Thanks! COOKIE--get up off the damn floor, mister...you might break something! =) Thanks!

Guess

Who

Learned

A

New

Trick!!!

Arwen, great job you cute, short, clumsy, spunky, resourceful little elf, you...the only 'accident' you had here was your typo in the 'comments' section, and that only hurt the little English Major in you (they're SO picky). Glad this one wasn't based on ACTUAL "real-life" experience. You know, what we really need on this site is a way to proof-read our comments, like over in the "MessageBoard" section. You were probably the only one to notice yours (until you threw the spotlight on it with the next comment - I'd do the same thing, at least the folks who read it will know that YOU know better). I often cringe when I go to read what I thought was an "Oh-So-Clever" remark I just made and find that I mispelled a word, had a typo, or used "it" instead of "in" or "if", especially if I was punning - it really ruins the effect. ChuckyG, is there any chance of a future "Proof-Read" enhancement like that? I know you're a bit busy at the moment but...

And
then
she
taught
me!

Wahoo!

Thanks a lot, Paul...I've often wanted to edit my comments...but if I really could, it would probably be the only thing I ever did!! =)

And Ashkicksass...you know I wouldn't do anything cool without you! Heehee! =)

Hey, Arwen, did you see the ad for the outfit that makes "Fashion Orthopedic Products". I can just see it: "Get the Fracture Sling that's perfect for that Summer Fling!"

I was going to bring you my scores personally,but I slipped and fell andd broken them up. Okay! lesse,this "2" and "3" were originally the "5" for "Funny" and this "1" and "4" were originally the "5" for "pacing" and this --oh goody! the "5" for "overall" is still in one piece--but the anti-crash resistant finish on it is cracked,so if this thing crashes again---you will lose your "overalls"! ; )

Very well done Arwen, 5's across

That was great! 5's!

The show business term "Break a leg"is supposed to be figurative. Very funny, Ar.

Who's the ding-a-ling who only gave this a 4 for funny? I think they've broken something! I was at a wedding once, and at the beginning of the ceremony, just as the father of the bride handed her off, he slipped on her train and fell, breaking his wrist. Poor guy. Except it was about 100 degrees in the church, no air-conditioning, and all through the ceremony, all I can think is I need to get some air. Then -- fortunately, at the end of the ceremony -- I feel dizzy, and the next thing I know, I'm on the floor with people all around me. Apparently I fainted in the heat. The groom was a doctor I've known all my life, and his wife and all her bridesmaids were nurse. So here are all these bridesmaids/nurses in low-cut gowns standing over me, to see if I'm all right -- and I can't see a damn thing because my glasses fell off! But at least I took the heat -- pardon the pun -- off the father! And as they said after the fourth wedding in you-know-what-movie, at least it's one we'll never forget! (I don't seem to have jinxed them: Eight years and two kids later, the couple are still together.)

That's a funny story, Michael.

Picking up on Rick's comment about the traditional show-biz-good-luck-wish "Break a leg!", here's an absolutely true story.....and I know it's true because I worked for months with the gentlemen the following events happened to. One of the guys playing a Congressman in the cast of "1776" (the musical I was in earlier this year with The Concord Players) was about to go play soccer with some of his buddies...As he headed out of his house to go to the soccer game, his wife, knowing that he was also in rehearsal for "1776", said "Break a leg", thinking she was being humorous and helpful by using the show-biz-good-luck-wish on her actor-husband before his soccer game. Yes, you all know what's going to happen, but just bear with me. He told his wife that she shouldn't say that for a soccer game, that you're only supposed to say it to a performer before they go on stage. Anyway, at the soccer game, he's running along, plants one foot to steady himself for a kick with the other, and another player comes along and kicks his planted-leg right in the shin, breaking it quite efficiently. In the ambulance, on the way to the hospital, he phones his wife and says that she's never going to believe what happened. She didn't. At first. It took him a while to convince her that what he said had happened really happened. The guy was such a trooper! The doctors put a titanium rod down inside the length of his shinbone to reinforce it and hold it together for healing, and then this guy went ahead with rehearsing and performing in "1776", broken leg and all .... he worked a set of 18th-century-style crutch-canes into his character's performance!

JD - That's a pretty fair story, too. One of the fortunate things for me is that in all my odd travels and the strange situations I've sometimes found myself in I've never really been seriously injured (or had someone around me seriously injured, hmmm...well, maybe a few of them got hurt kinda bad, but never from something I initiated). One time I DID accidentally power spray a diluted toxic chemical (CHLORDANE) all over myself, and although I was wearing protective clothing and a respirator you can bet I headed straight home and took a long, thorough shower. That was about 27 years ago and I'm still around. Say, did you know that if you are crawling under a building with a power sprayer like that you should NEVER keep your hand on the trigger? You might, oh, say, hit your ELBOW on a rock or something and trigger an involuntary response in your hand, then spray that toxic crap all over your face, then, again, involuntarily raise up and BASH your head on the underside of a FLOOR JOIST. Then sit there like an idiot for about a minute or two and think "Hmmm...maybe this isn't the right job for me..." Yeah, I did that, during a brief stint in the Pest Control Field. I had been working in the office of this company and the boss thought I would make a good Termite Inspector, but there was a "Field Experience" requirement...hmmm....ok, now that I'm thinking back I got hurt a few times in that gig...but not as bad as I could have...

Paul: Where the hell were the fashion orthopedic products when I was in Junior High? Back when I had both my knees fixed, I had to wear an ugly blue and white brace that didn't go with ANYTHING!!!

TTP: You're so cute! I wish I were more creative with my comments sometimes...thanks for always making me smile!!

Dee: Thanks! It's good to get props from a Newer Kid on the Block. I have most everyone else brainwashed already...and I like to be recognized as "ultra cool" as soon into your AmiRight tenure as is possible...; )

Joelle: Thanks a bunch, sweetie!

Rick: Thanks...due to my reputation for *ahem* a bit of clumsiness, I'm more likely to hear, "Please don't break your leg. Seriously. Don't." And that's just when I'm walking down the hall to go to bed at night...; )

Michael: I don't know who threw down the 4 on funny...but let me just say that I think it's the nature of me getting hurt in the parody. Nobody wants to even IMAGINE their Elf Queen in pain, do they? Once I had someone even admit that they gave me a 5-1-5 because the song was about me falling down all the time...and that just isn't funny. But actually...it is. Just so everyone knows. It's funny when I fall down. FYI...

Michael AGAIN: While nobody wants to imagine me getting hurt, I'll admit that I'd like to imagine your wedding fiasco every night before I go to bed from now on...just so I can fall asleep giggling...; )

Johnny: No Way! I don't believe you!!! Oh wait...just read about how you actually worked with the guy. Fine...hehehe...; )

Paul...I really like your story...and you know I always appreciate your comments...but I have no idea what a FLOOR JOIST is...so...I can't really avoid the Joist/Head collision...I'd never see the Joist coming...=)

Hi Arwen --- when I say I worked with him, I meant in the context of months of rehearsals and then a run of 11 performances, working together as fellow cast-members --- he really did break that leg!

I know!

Arwen - You know, I really didn't have a firm idea of what a FLOOR JOIST was until the top of my head came into firm contact with the bottom side of said FLOOR JOIST. I can say I took the "WOIST" of it (Ohhh...I know that's a REALLY bad pun...but it's late...sometimes I just cannot help myself...). Anyway, the Floor joist is just the building terminology for the large, thick wooden beams that form the support for a structure that has a substructure area (usually a dirt area underneath the house or structure) as opposed to those built upon a concrete slab. The joists are fastened atop concrete posts or pillars to stabilize them so that the floor does not sag or collapse and is kept from making contact with the dirt, which is a Termite attracting condition ("Subterranean Termites" live in the ground and enter wood when it in contact with dirt, they travel through mud tubes they construct that can go all the way from the ground up to the highest point of the building - I've seen it.). By the way, speaking of Joists, they have them in ceilings, too, in many buildings that have attic areas. They are called...you guessed it, CEILING JOISTS. An important thing to know about "Attic Safety" is that you should NEVER stand up in an attic and try to walk on the CEILING JOISTS like you were in the "Circ d'Soleil" or something, because you might lose your BALANCE and fall off the Joist, which will cause you to fall through the Ceiling and down into somebody's living area, like, oh, say, maybe their kitchen, where I can guarantee you they will be quite startled and surprised. That's not EVEN close to the worst thing that can happen if you fall off a Ceiling Joist. If you happen to fall off in a manner that leaves your legs STRADDLING the Joist instead of falling to one side or the other you can do immeasurable and permanent damage to the "Family Jewels" (you probably don't need me to define that term for you). Fortunately, that was not the case in the instance I am referring to. However, the very next morning our company had a "Special Safety Meeting" that all Field employees with under 5 years experience were required to attend on "Attic Safety (the Nuts you Save might be your own)" I just made up the additional part in parentheses, but that was, ah, the gist of it. Hope you have found my little seminar interesting & informative...

I think I broke my "I'm following what Paul's saying" bone...; )

My dad fell through our attic floor when I was younger. And as coincidence would have it, he fell through the hall that's right outside the kitchen while my mom was making dinner. No joke. So now they have two attic doors. LOL

Now THAT I can follow. Heehee!!

Arwen - That's actually a very common injury in many places, not just on this site. But see, all we needed was an interpreter. Ashkicksass - sounds like Pops fortunately wasn't hurt. I managed to grab the joist firmly with one hand on the way down. The protective glove kept the hand from being injured but I almost tore my shoulder out of it's joint. Still, I'm glad I did that, it was a high ceiling in the kitchen and seemed about 10 or more feet down to the floor, could have injured my back or almost anything really. Was able to pull myself up so both arms were hanging evenly and then dropped myself down to the floor, all the while with present housewife gaping in amazement. "Ummm...M'am, we'll be sending someone out 1st thing in the morning to fix this."

o/~ Oh....if you want it to be possessive
It's just I-T-S
But if it's supposed to be a contraction
It's I-T-apostrophe-S!
Scalawag

Okay, I totally plagiarized that little ditty from Strong Bad..but it's one of my all time favorite songs regarding that oh so common grammar mistake...

Check out the "real" version...i.e...Strong Bad singing it...@ this link:

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail89.html

I get it!! Your penchant for self-destuction is just a new way of flirting!!! 555

Well...given the choice, I try NOT to be bleeding profusely at any point during the flirting stage...but...when life hands you lemons, hand the sexy EMT your phone number...eh??

Thanks a bunch!!

SOTM - I must have missed this when it played the first time. Thanks for putting it up for the contest otherwise I would have probably missed a good read.

Well, you're welcome, Guy.

I mean...THANKS, Guy!! =)

Saw this on the SOTM contest. Verrrry sweet. I love it :) It's nice to see something original and amusing, I get bored of parodies about sex and toilet humour.

(SOTM AUG) Arwen, in the best show-biz sense, ya broke a leg on this one!

(SOTM) I just realised a terrible irony. In order for you to display your 'new trick', you need to do the '' thingy, which stands for 'break'. Thus it's a 'break and enter'. Anyhoo, I broke into hysterical snorting at this gem. A green-stick fracture...how romantic.

(SOTM) already voted...good

Sweetest Indigo: You really are living up to your name, you know. I appreciate it! Thanks!!

Johnny: Coming from the greatest of all AmiRight theaterites (yes, I made that word up) I am TOTALLY flattered...thanks!

Luke: It may be the late hour...or it may be the Applebees Mi Queso Su Queso that I just ate with my girls at 12 minutes before this late hour...either way...I don't get your comment at all. Except for the part where you implied that the parody was good. And for THAT part...I thank you...=)

Adagio: Thanks again, ma'am!

Sorry, Arwen. I attempted to put in the 'break' symbol, but in inverted commas so it wouldn't disappear, and it disappeared anyway. So all I was really saying in that whole 'break and enter' pun was that instead of just hitting enter for your... ahem, the parody was good.

(Aug 04 sotm) Your usual comic brilliance from a feminine POV. :)Very important to change that repititive chorus, and I liked the story, too. Hope it wasn't true to life (you might have mentioned it above, but I don't have time to read the comments right now).555

Luke: See...now, at this early hour...with far too little sleep behind me...I finally realize what you're talking about. I'd forgotten that I displayed my "new trick" in this comment thread...and was so lost. My bad...not yours...=)

Agri: Well...if it's not flattering to find out that I have a "usual comic brilliance," then I don't know what it is. Thanks thanks thanks!

SOTM-DKTOS sry but it looks like it's worked out

(SOTM) Very funny one, very enjoyable. I only know the Tiffany version of this, but very good parody.

Well, thanks, Phil!

OK, I really need to stop by the site more often - I've managed to miss this for a month and a half, not to mention a bazillion comments. Excellent job, Sister Evenstar - many many fun rhymes. But you gotta ask yourself if maybe, just maybe, your date was willing to stand there and do nothing because you had just made repeated attempts to GLUE HIS PLASMA-SCREEN TV TO A TREE. Huh? Think so?!

At the advice of my attorney, I respectfully decline to comment on the latter part of your comment.

(Thanks, though, for the lovely remarks before your outlandish allegation)

Funny, Arwen :-) Like t'other Phil, I only know the Tiffany version (and it brings a smile to my face thinking of her doing this one... especially the video)

(SOTM) Seems this is the winner in the abundance-of-comments category.

Phil: Thanks! As a child of the 80s, I DO know the Tiffany version...but as a listener of Oldies Radio, the Tommy James version was on my mind when I wrote this.

Know 1: I'd be lying if i said that I don't ALWAYS generate a lot of discussion...generally, however, it's about how stunningly beautiful I am...; )

Arwen --- is it true that when you, Arwen, look in a mirror at home, all the other mirrors in your home temporarily turn green with envy? ;-) ;-) ;-D

LOL, Johnny! How did you guess?

woow such superb commenst ... great lyric!! as a scot I was charmed to see the reference to "wee" .. do you have Scottish forbears by any chance Arwen??

That would be a negative, martha. I am, however, a fan of underused words that make me giggle...and "wee" is one of them...=)

martha...oh martha! (Arwen, please pardon me borrowing your comments-section for a moment, thanks) So you're a Scot, martha? Did you see my two recent parodies of the Scottish traditionals "The Bonny Broom" and "Loch Lomond" ? I'd love to hear what a real Scot thinks of 'em!

Loved it, and great OS too!

Well thanks, Pippin!!

(SOTM) As above.

(AUG SOTM) Great job, Arwen. 5's and a contender for my SOTM vote.

Holy CRAP a lotta comments here-- very fun read, fave lines where I literally L'edOL were "my fracture is compound" and "better than last week when I almost drowned". F unny stuff.

Still very funny, especially the two end punchlines. A good man isn't hard to find, you just need to look into the right industry ;c). Props are also in order for that excellent rhyme scheme.

I'm so late...this is hilarious!

Thanks again Merry, and Paul, and 2nz!!!

And thanks for the first time, Claude and Jeff!!!

JR: I guess I'm even later than you are...you made your comment six and a half months ago. I'm just now checking out this one and am about to give it a 5-4-5.

I took a trip so I could fall back for more. I can't make much sense outta my last comment anyway. I was kinda surprised to not see any Sci-Fi stuff at all on your current top five list. Then again, living in the real and the now has it's benefits (which include but are not limited to having a much wider audience base). I digress, great job and I hope it healed up in the same direction it was initally.

Thanks ellipsis...

...and thanks for coming back, 2nz! Choosing my top five was hard...because I think ALL my parodies rule! ; ) Not sure why I didn't choose any LoTR ones...you know they are close to my heart...

(ABC3) Skimming past all of these prior plaudits to say...(phew!) i read it again! [Don't you just love the Paul Robinson essays? :) ]

(ABC3I) Wow, I hope what I'm about to write hasn't been said already (twice or more), but I only know the Tiffany version of the song, to which this was perfect as well. Kudos on varying the choruses and keeping them funny and relavent, too. I think I'll go vote now... =)

Well I hope you're doing better, and that your phone at least isn't broken

abc nothing left for me to say dam fine job you really are the pearl in the parodeers crown 555

(ABC3) This is awesome! 555!

But are the pretty (and probably homosexual) EMT's really worth the pain of a broken hand? I think not. Still witty, though. --MM

(ABC) See above many times over!

(ABC06-I) Wow, it never ceases to amaze me, the lengths you've had to go to in order to find that perfect guy! 555 :-)

(ABC) Another great narrative from the mistress of narratives. And of course there was the old Arwen twist. =D

An old favorite...see above, glad to see this again!

hmm, never seen this one before - it took me a minute to pagedown thru the comments - and I can well understand why you would "condone" that lifeguard's behaviour - he sounds much better than the bleeding pansy - 555