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Song Parodies -> "Spin-All Wizard (Press Secretaries, Etc.)"

Original Song Title:

"Pinball Wizard"

Original Performer:

The Who

Parody Song Title:

"Spin-All Wizard (Press Secretaries, Etc.)"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

Could be about *any* Press Secretary, for *any* POTUS - or for that matter, any "Public Relations" flack at all. So fill in the one you dislike the most -- gender-neutral "he" is used here, of course.

From the 1969 rock opera, "Tommy" -- how apropos! ... *And* TT was quite the pinball wizard himself, back in the day - and still is, on Windows™ Pinball. Hey, it's a game that involves FLIPPERS! ;-) ... OS video here.

Ever since he was a young boy
He'd glibly fib or stall
"Can fool some people, sometime..."?
He must try: fool them all
Make a Saint out of Third Reich crim' **
Lies, plenty: confuse, appall
That shrewd, cunning, line did --
-- Sure make a mean spin-ball

He flings bulls**t at you
Got a smart PR machine
Outdoes Bible-thumpers ***
Never playing clean
Has no inhibition
The truth don't count at all
Bereft: empty-minded
Sure truth: demean; enthrall

Story, thin! Crawl, lizard! ****
There's nothing he can't twist
A spin-all wizard
Snot's *such* a solipsist

Take any fact: he'll fuzz it
(Hot air, blow)
Remakes "bad" to "good"

"Changes", not "retractions"
Cant: Steers the "buzz", and it sells [1]
Spot, be in, tight? Refashion!
Pay him; sense, dispel
Pur-veys clichés each day
Clever; tilts it all
So deft: trumpet lies, squid!
Sure makes TT's skin crawl

I thought I was
Ver-bal-ly able thing [2]
But I just handed
My word-play crown to him

[interlude - sounds of dung hitting the ventilator, then being scattered everywhere]

Leadin' on with favorite fable
He can "Beat The Press" *****
Over eyes, pull wool: begin
And we must redigest
He's got hazy, slipp'ry zingers
Never takes the fall
Kiss cleft: bum! (behind, mid)
Vir'tu'lly obscene slimeball!

[1] Despite occasional complaints about footnotes, I "can't" (oh, TT!...) omit this one.
"Cant", aside from the match to OS, works on *at least* three different levels here (maybe five), and if you "got" three or more without the footnote, please tell the turtle:

1) "insincere expressions of enthusiasm for high ideals, goodness, or piety"
2) "a salient angle"
3) "a slanting or tilted position"
4) "the phraseology peculiar to a particular class, party, profession, etc."
5) "the private language of the underworld" (i. e., mobsters, not the spiritual Underworld -- TT)

TT loves finding this kind of multi-faceted stuff to stuff in his stuff.

[2] Humble apologies for the horrible mangling of "verbally" to match OS "the Bally™ table king"

** (war) "criminal", including the Führer (Leader) Of The Wack.

*** No disrespect intended to the Bible nor to any religion, but only to those few evangelists who use the Good Book to enrich themselves, often at the expense of the poorest segment of the population -- and often get caught up in scandal. (Ted Haggard? .. or fill in your own list.)

**** A thousand apologies to the slur on TT's fine reptilian cousins, whose ethics are far greater than that of the jerk described.

***** (For non-US readers only) "Meet the Press" is a weekly US television news/interview program. the longest-running television show in American broadcasting history, having made its television debut on November 6, 1947. Unrelated to the Australian program of the same name.

© 2010 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 10

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   10

User Comments

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Michael Pacholek - August 05, 2010 - Report this comment
Clearly, this is the opposition's slick attempt to convince us of their wit while simultaneously pick our pockets. Real Americans will never go for this, and as for real Australians... Oh, who am I kidding? This is fabulous. You even threw in a reference to the movie "Airplane!" (The "sight gag" of the excrement hitting the fan.) Johnny, what do you make of this? "Oh, this? Oh, I can make a five!"
TJC - August 05, 2010 - Report this comment
A masterful n' quarky take on non-neutralino quanTTom spin states... so well crafted, it truly conveyed the feeling ewe may have actually held the (or similar) position somewhere in your Czech herd past! One minor niggle--at one point in the third stanza your pacing got a bit solipsy...
Old Man Ribber - August 05, 2010 - Report this comment
Err...this parody was taken completely out of context. It was merely a flat-fallen joke. What TT REALLY meant to say is that press secretaries present and past are decent upstanding politically-correct human beings who selflessly serve the citizens of our nation with unquestioned integrity and scrupulous fairness. What's that question? Is he apologizing? I'm sure he regrets writing this, but our administration, not having read the parody, stands firmly behind TT. (Recognizing the correspondent from The Daily Kos) Yes, I'd be delighted to tell a few dirty jokes about The Tea Party! Sooo - how was my audition? Do I get the job? Anyway, hilarious and well done.) ;D
AFW - August 05, 2010 - Report this comment
I agree, about press secy's...etc. good idea, well perpetrated
John Barry - August 05, 2010 - Report this comment
Speaking of press secretaries, I just über moron Dana Perino on the tube last night. I guess she's not gracefully fading away. They're all professional liars, some more artful than others. Beautiful skewer. And no need to apologize about pronunciational mangling. Hell, if weren't for same, I'd never do a parody.
Tommy Turtle - August 05, 2010 - Report this comment
Michael Pacholek: Clearly, your comment was clever, perceptive (*great* catch on "Airplane! :-), witty, and a wonderful parody parallel. Now, hurry up and run with that, before I change my story! (Actually, "that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it!") Thanks!

TJC: Saving for last, so others don't have to wade through lengTThy discussion.

Old Man Ribber: Rats, you saw right through me! Funniest: "..not having read it, stands firmly behind it.." Was that a ref to that Agriculture person who was fired before they saw the *entire* story?. And yeah, you nailed the job -- any POTUS would hire you on the spot! ... In fact, TT has an opening for a PR flack -- I mean, expert -- and the pay is much gratitude!

AFW: Sickening, aren't they? Thanks for v/c.

John Barry: "Graceful" is not in their vocab... Thanks for the pass on mangling, but although you're one of the Masters of Mangle (from whom the n00b turtlet received great inspiration), some newer readers and writers might not yet have received their Poetic Licenses; hence, the footnote. Thanks for v/c, and for v/c @ "Depantsed All Night", to which I've alerted FG to also express her gratitude.
Tommy Schrödinger @ TJC - August 05, 2010 - Report this comment
First, I'm simultaneously flattered and insulted (cf. Schrödinger's Cat) that ewe think TT *could* have held such a position (flattered), and *would* have (insulted; as JAB said, "professional liars"). And LOL @ "Czech herd"! Sheeposlovakia has always been a fave place -- Czech, mate! :-D

OK, pacing.... Before submitting, sung the finished product *several* times to the OS video *linked_in_the_intro*, as I always do these days when doing an OS for the first time, and sometimes, even if I've done it before. .. Because sung versions and Web lyrics vary on almost any song, ya gotta pick one and go with it (and cite it, IMHO). Just listened/sung again, and it sounded spot-on.

By "third stanza", I asseweme you mean the main stanza, not the bridge that is the third verse among all. But the ref to "solipsy" cast some doubt (here comes Schrödinger again, LOL), so here is the transcription of both. Please point out where I went wrong - *really* - so that I don't make the same mistake if I do TOS again.

He's a pinball wizard 6
Story: thin, crawl wizard 6

There has to be a twist 6
There's nothing he can't twist 6

The pinball wizard's
A spin-all wizard (obviously right)

Got such a supple wrist 6
Snot's such a solipsist 6

I incorrectly remembered the verse as "A pinball wizard; he's got such a supple wrist", and had a sub for "he's" in the first draft. Then listened to above video, and corrected it as above. Was this the issue?

If you meant the third main stanza, which gets sung so rapidly that some syls are *almost* (but not) elided:

Even on my favorite table
Leadin' on with favorite fable .... works regardless of whether "favorite" is pronounced as two syl or three. Just use the same pronunciation in parody as in OS. ("Even" is hard to catch, but it's there. Two words: "Headphones" ;)

He can beat my best
He can Beat The Press .... easy match.

His disciples lead him in = 7
Over eyes, pull wool: begin = 7, and moi thought "-ciples" and "eyes pull" was a bit clever of a match, actually...

And he just does the rest 6
And we must redigest 6 and a match

He's got crazy flipper fingers (possibly "flippin' " - doesn't change scansion)
He's got hazy, slipp'ry zingers - if it's a pefect syl match, it's ipso facto well-paced.

Never seen him fall
Never takes the fall ... d'oh

That deaf, dumb, and blind kid 6
Kiss cleft: bum! (behind, mid) 6, and another match of which moi was rawther proud....

Sure plays a mean pinball 6
Vir'tu'lly obscene slimeball .. thought it would be clear to those who KTOS well enough to judge pacing, that "virtually" was being elided into two syls here. Perhaps should have left out the "u" : "Virt'lly", but then the word becomes almost unrecognizable, and thought that omitting the "a" was enough of a "nudge, wink", as Stu McArthur calls it. Guess "Dirty, obscene" would require less mangling, but "virtually" was a bit more, well, er -- sophisticated, to TT.

Yes, that was a lot of time spent on exegesis, but you know that I respect your opinions very highly, so looking forward to seeing where the discrepancy was. Thanks for taking the time to reply.
TT @ TJC - August 05, 2010 - Report this comment
Oops -- just realized that above was the *fourth* stanza. Result of low blood glucose due to spending an hour on reply instead of eating dinner. Will rectify that immediately; still, please point out what is wrong, wherever. Thanks.
The Sheepish TJC 2 TT - August 05, 2010 - Report this comment
OMG! Sorry to put you through the angst of a possible pacing problemo... there was nothing awry with your pacing--just my leetle pun, senor--'sloppy' v. 'solipsy' (ewe employed 'solipcist' in the 3rd stanza, a fantastic, highbrow (turtles have brows?) word rarely--if ever--AIR'd round these parts.) I was impressed and impulsively inserted said weak pun--along with foot-in-mouth... Many apologies!
TT @ Sheepish TJC - August 06, 2010 - Report this comment
Shee(p)sh... pun was great, even at the time, and glad someone commented on "solipsist", but apparently, the pea-brain needed some further hint that it was facetious, after the serious-sounding, "One minor niggle". (Isn't "niggle" politically incorrect? Shouldn't it be "One minor A-frickin'-Mis-Paced-ican"?)

Turtles have no brows; else this turtle's many low-brow parodies (sheep included) would have his brows on the ocean floor, right next to a leaking oil well. I like using full vocab, but some readers DK the words, and others b*tch about footnotes. As John Barry would say, "Dammed if you do, and dammed if you don't!" ;)

Thanks for taking the time to come back and clarify. Sorry if my reply was a solecism (which is difficult to avoid confusing with "solipsism").
Mark Scotti - August 06, 2010 - Report this comment
They're no "Pinball wizards", but they are "Filibusters"!!!!!!!!
Ann Hammond - August 06, 2010 - Report this comment
he he
Tommy Turtle - August 06, 2010 - Report this comment
Mark Scotti: LOL! Thanks, Mark!

Ann Hammond: Thanks, but what did you *really* mean by that? (wink, lol!)

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