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Song Parodies -> "Clamshell Package"

Original Song Title:

"Crosstown Traffic"

Original Performer:

The Jimi Hendrix Experience

Parody Song Title:

"Clamshell Package"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

You know what's bullshit?
I wanna open this damn package
But I cannot find a
Line of plastic here that perforates
Blows my mind
No indicatin' line, nope
There's no tiny bits of tape
Two near-fused plastic halves, I
Wanna get inside

I hate this plastic package (just let me get into you)
Stupid package (think it's sealed up like a vacuum)
Bloody package (in two ways I mean that now)
Cause attempts to cut it open sliced my thumb, ow

I'm not the only soul who
Detests this plastic stuff
Holdin' back my important crap, hate it
Cause the clamshell design sucks, but, uh
I can tell you have a question
"Aren't there scissors meant
To help one get inside this package, man?"
That's what this is

It's in a clamshell package (should've made that clear to you)
Stupid package (think I'm gonna blow a brain fuse)
Bloody package (my scream's heard all over town)
The worst Catch-22 ever, you can't beat that now

Yeah, now, clamshell package
Die now, die now
Die now, let me into you
Hate this package, yeah-eah-eah, die now
Stupid package, yeah-eah, die now
Die now, die now, bastard
Bloody package, yeah-eah, die now, open sesame, come on
Stupid package, yeah-eah, die now
Oh, yeah
Clamshell package, yeah-eah, die now

I get that it's meant to be a theft deterrent, but there has to be a way to both stop thieves and not make the general populace not wanna slice the nearest person's head open on the same plastic shards they did before they bleed out.

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.6
How Funny: 4.5
Overall Rating: 4.3

Total Votes: 11

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   1
 4   2
 5   8

User Comments

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Agrimorfee - July 01, 2016 - Report this comment
So that's what they call that **** that I can only open with a good sturdy knife? Sounds like a euphemism for something...which totally colored my reading of this parody. Got mighty violent toward the end there...anyway, 555 just for the unusual title examining a first world problem (your bread n butter in parody writing!).
Matthias - July 06, 2016 - Report this comment
I've seen those before! They really are a pain in the butt to open! I'm glad that there is a parody written about this struggle now. It has such an odd name though I was thinking of something spherical...
Abbott Skelding - July 09, 2016 - Report this comment
I've seen on one of those "Life Hack" videos that you can open these types of packages using a standard hand-held can opener. I've tried it once and it seemed to work fine for me. Nice parody covering one of life's biggest annoyances.
Max Power - July 12, 2016 - Report this comment
You watched AVGN's videos too didn't you? :)
Blaydeman - July 12, 2016 - Report this comment
(Artistry) this was a lot of fun! I didn't know there was a specific name for those types of packages, but what a bizarrely violent and fun way to introduce the term to me. Really liked the "bloody in two ways" line!

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