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Song Parodies -> "I Can't Stand Smoky Places"

Original Song Title:

"Smoky Places"

Original Performer:

The Corsairs

Parody Song Title:

"I Can't Stand Smoky Places"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

This writer would never tell anyone else what to do with their life, lungs, liver, lover, lever, whatever; this is just a personal aversion.

Another in the "lesser-known hits" series, this one making it to #12 on the Billboard Top 100, and to #10 on the R & B chart, in 1962. ... and it doesn't appear to have been done here before! TT nails yet *another* AmIRight "virgin"!     ;-)

More trivia: TOS was used in the 1994 movie, "There Goes My Baby", and in the 2006 Sopranos episode, "Mayham". ... OS video, some words and lines stepped on by the backups, here.

(coughing intro)

I can't -- stand smoky places
Headaches, and nausea forming
Cancer from second-hand smoke, faces
Kindly snuff out, or go outside
As heartbeat races

Oh, teary-eyed:
Smoke blows my way
Better: fart, you break
Than cigarette
Ugh! - But, anyway,
Own life, paying
Each, their own vice, take
(Each, their own choice, make)

Yuk: eating in smoky places
Me: fighting allergic reaction
Moi: no romancing
Of those with wrinkled faces   [1]
Smelly clothes; sticks to hair real tight
In breath, escapes, Miss   [2]

My Honey, pray:
She will be smoke-free
'Cause I can't abide
That runaway: beat, heart
And dizzy, me
So we'll be side-by-side

Fleeing from smoky places
Whoo, hide, please, the smoking-break corners   [3]
Your right: health, chancing   [4]
But not when mine, displaces
Only love that TT, delight:
Smoke-free embraces

Only love, TT's lust, incite:   [5]
Gals, smoke-free, chases

Gland of love, swollen? Shrink from blight
Of smoky traces

Cigarette smoking causes earlier skin wrinkling in women (says the prestigious Mayo Clinic), and can cause E.D. in men far too young to have it. The State of California's anti-smoking campaign found that those two facts, which hit each gender where they live, were far more effective than the scare stories (true that they be) of cancers that might happen twenty or thirty years from now.

During TT's stint as a ski instructor, that fact came up in a class of children and young teens. A fourteen-year-old girl, who was a competitive gymnast, made a disgusted face, clearly losing permanently any temptation to start smoking (e. g., for energy and weight control for gymnastics). One never knows when or where one can make a difference...

"The Dating Game" -- learned not even to think about those who said they smoked "occasionally" or "socially". Sad self-delusion: "I'll go outside to smoke." Sorry, Honey, you stink when you come back in (and cause the above-described reactions).

Even sadder self-delusion, or maybe just don't realize: "I won't smoke during our dates" (but sneak one on the way over, usually). .... It's in your bloodstream and lungs for weeks (or more) after the last smoke, so your breath and pores still smell of it; kissing your mouth is still like licking an ashtray; and your hair still stinks.
(Women secrete pheromones -- sexually-attracting chemicals -- through their hair, as well as other places, which, according to Phoebe on "Friends", is why men, on the average, are taller than women -- "So they can smell their hair and fall in love with them." ;)

None of this is eliminated by shampoo, even fruity-scented ones (artificial-scent allergies here also -- what's wrong with the way the Maker made you?), nor by bathing, since it continues to ooze out of lungs and pores. One clothes-washing won't do it, either. Go date another smoker; then neither of you notices, or cares. Don't try to convince a non-smoker (or *yourself*) that s/he'll "never know". The nose knows....

[3] In this State, restaurants that are not primarily saloons or bars are required to be smoke-free, as are grocery stores. Some other businesses voluntarily ban smoking inside. Cool. But make the employee- or customer-smoke-break area somewhere out back, 'k? Having it out front, right beside the door where customers enter and leave, kinda' defeats the purpose.... (coughs through cloud of smoke permeating entire front of building)

[4] "Each to their own poison". Noxious though it personally be, this writer does *not* advocate the prohibition of tobacco, for the same reasons that prohibition of alcohol failed, enriched organized crime, and corrupted officials -- which is why he also opposes the currentprohibition of other recreational substances (of which alcohol and tobacco kill several hundred *times* as many people annually as do the "illicit" ones).
No Government nanny to tell you what choices to make; just please don't make my choices for me, against my will, in enclosed places. Fair enough?

[5] *Seriously*. As strong as that primal urge can be, the offensiveness (to moi) kills it.
(NOTE: Sheep do *not* smoke. *Now* is that whole "I love ewe" thing more understandable? heh, heh, heh! ;)

Ironic story: During TT's acting days, once auditioned for a commercial for a brand of chewing tobacco. Had to chew it for the camera -- didn't figure *one* dose would matter. Was sick to my stomach, dizzy, and racing heartbeat, for the rest of the day.

          Okay, here's the ironic part: Got *hired* -- but not for the on-camera snuff-chewer; but rather, as the announcer ("voice-over"), apparently for TT's rendition of a Southern accent. Meaning that the snuff-chewing wasn't pertinent to the ultimate gig -- but OTOH, without it, they'd never have heard the voice; hence, not hired.... That's show biz, folks! ;)

© 2010 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 7

Voting Breakdown

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    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
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 3   0
 4   0
 5   7

User Comments

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TJC - October 14, 2010 - Report this comment
TTaking a deep pull on your dope parody was--literally--a puff of fresh AIR--never a drag!

And yes, Chairman Chucky, I *did* inhale!
AFW - October 14, 2010 - Report this comment
My friend, your The end!
Andria - October 14, 2010 - Report this comment
Great job here, and the OS is great too... you wouldn't like being in my car or my apartment for an extended period, since they were heavily smoked in by previous owners/tenants, and I smoked for a while. (haven't touched a cigarette in 5 months!). Toke for toke, this work reads good like a TT parody should. 5s.
Old Man Ribber - October 14, 2010 - Report this comment
"I'm doing second hand gasps, second hand choke...And it is caused by - their second hand smoke!" I'm a two pack a day man at present (down considerably from my peak consumption - wow, that's an appropriate word!). I know there is only one thing worse than a smoker...a discourteous smoker. Interesting story from your acting must tell me more sometime (Really! I'm not being sarcastic.). Oh, I almost forgot...good paraody too! ;D
Patrick - October 14, 2010 - Report this comment
More educational than entertaining, but I like to learn new stuff. (Today I learned the word "simultaneum"). I didn't know that the effects of just one cigarette on a non-smoker could linger that long. A lot of bar owners in KCK have complained about the new smoking ordinance here. One fellow wants to know if he can smoke inside his own building when the business is closed. The other day a lady showed me an electronic cigarette, even glows at the tip, but no nicotine. I guess they just need something to do with their hands. Me, I carry a notebook and a pen.
Tommy Turtle - October 14, 2010 - Report this comment
TJC: LOL, esp. at the shot at B. Clinton's hypocrisy! (There's a joke about that, but I don't think I can tell it here.)

AFW: In more ways than one. Gotta catch up on all that w**K that piled up while smooshing instead of ****ing. Thanks for v/c.

Andria: Thanks for resurrecting that old Winston™ commercial, which sent grammarians into a tizzy, only to have Winston's ad agency make an equally ungrammatical follow-up ad, attempting to satirize those who wanted proper grammar. They were clueless....

Old Man Ribber: If they were all so courteous, the rest of us wouldn't complain, so thank you, Sir. (There actually *are* worse things, but I got the metaphor. ;)
        As for the rest, it's been leaked out in little puffs and drags, so I guess you'll just have to read all of my songs to catch the acting references. ... You might get a kick out of the comment dialog in which TT mentions having had lunch with Angelina Jolie's father, Jon Voight. No link - start reading! heh, heh! :-D

It was some years back, but the residual checks still flow in quarterly from an Oscar-winning (not for moi :-(   ) movie shot decades ago and still playing. No link -- start reading! :-D
Phil Tertip-Butts - October 14, 2010 - Report this comment
LSMFT.... Lovely Syllable Matching- Fine Tune! 555
Tommy Turtle - October 14, 2010 - Report this comment
Phil Tertip-Butts (you got a million of em, eh? ;): That's not how we used to interpret it in jr. high school: Loose Strap Means Floppy ... n/m. Thanks for the v/c, and I do believe it's time for the turtle to crawl through the muck, back into his marl-burrow for a while. ;)
Mark Scotti - October 15, 2010 - Report this comment
No smokescreen here.... only fives...
Tommy Turtle - October 15, 2010 - Report this comment
Mark Scotti, thanks for the "screening" and review. :)

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